tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10460847623993175762023-11-17T00:55:21.514+10:00Sheryl LeeSheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.comBlogger197125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-6428315579945423752019-06-09T08:00:00.000+10:002019-06-09T08:00:19.438+10:00PanicI’m prone to panic attacks. As someone with PTSD that’s par for the course, it’s not unusual, not unique. That doesn’t make it easier. Panic attacks are debilitating, not just from the panic, but from the realisation that there is nobody I can talk to about this. Panic attacks make you realise how alone you are in the world.<br />
I sometimes post a little bit about this on Facebook and usually get a response, but it only glosses over the surface. Panic attacks are isolating. You fully understand, even in the middle of one, how alone you are, how there is nobody you can talk to about this, because only someone who also suffers from them can understand.<br />
Can you imagine, your heart is beating triple time, there is a wire inside your solar plexus that is winding ever tighter and tighter, pulling you into the foetal position; you can’t stop the tears, you can’t stop the despair, and there is not one soul who can understand what that’s like.<br />
You’re on your own, every time. Get through it, emerge on the other side, or sink, drown, end everything. That’s the scary part, how tempting it is to end it all, because in this mindset there is no future, not one that seems viable anyway.<br />
You are lost, helpless, useless, pointless. Existence is pointless.<br />
And yet, somehow, I get through every one of these. I’m still here, still trying, still functioning, maybe giving something back by telling my truth.<br />
My cats help me; they know when things are bad and they come and lie with me, purring and sharing body warmth, giving me unconditional love.<br />
There must be a strong spark of self preservation - or maybe it’s cowardice - that keeps me going on, giving it one more day. That’s all you can do, all I can do, give it one more day. Those days add up until they become a year, two years, three, five, six, seven. It doesn’t get easier but it gets doable. And who knows, maybe one day it will be worth it.<br />
All I can say is keep trying. I don’t know if there is contentment or happiness at the end of this road, I haven’t got there yet. All I know and all I try to remember is - if you don’t keep going and give it your best shot you’ll never know what might have happened. My grandmother told me often; whatever you do, do it as well as you can. I’m living, I got through the worst time in my life, and I’m trying, every day, to live as well as I can. We all have to.Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-41440212091528958522016-07-29T03:19:00.002+10:002016-07-29T03:19:22.699+10:00Self Editing for indie authors<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Well, hello my neglected blog! My other job as editor has kept me busy these past few months, which is a reason but not a good excuse. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This is me the editor by the way. Take a look, I offer reasonable rates and specialise in indie authors: </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><a href="http://sherylleee.wixsite.com/editor">Sheryl Lee Editing Services</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">There’s been personal drama and travel too – but this blog is not about that. It’s devoted to editing – more specifically, how to know when your manuscript is ready to send off to the editor.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Editors charge in differing ways. I charge by the 1000 words, but a lot of editors charge by the hour, so if your manuscript is full of simple errors the cost can mount to an eye-watering total. Apart from the potential cost, a manuscript that contains a lot of errors will take longer to correct, and you, the author, will have to wait longer for it to be completed. I don't know about you, but I hate waiting.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I’ve compiled a list of things you can do to clean up your manuscript before the editor sees it, to save time and money.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>1) Continuity</u></b>: Does Susan become Sandy halfway through the story? Do her eyes morph from blue to brown, and back to blue? Did James go to find Sandy and disappear into a black hole of author forgetfulness? Continuity, or the lack of it, is very common and easy to overlook. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>2) Dialogue</u></b>: When writing dialogue remember, a separate paragraph for each character. That applies even if the character reacts and does not speak. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Shut up Simon!” Larissa shouted.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Simon compressed his lips and turned away from her.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Don’t turn your back on me!” She wiped angry tears away, glaring at his back.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“You said to shut up.” There was nothing in his tone to indicate the anger that held his back stiff.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>3) Dialogue tags</u></b>: It can be boring writing dialogue tags – he said, she said. You start wanting to add some variety. A little bit here and there is ok, although some will say you should never do more than he said, she said. Do remember though that people express emotions with words and tone, they don’t say emotions. If you want variety in your dialogue tags, try using actions:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“You’re such an idiot.” Larissa dropped onto the couch in disgust.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Because I won’t agree with you?” Simon turned to face her, his tone was still level but his expression was volcanic. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Remember that if your dialogue is between two people and easy to follow you don’t need dialogue tags:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“I don’t want you to agree with me, I want you to understand me!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“But Larissa, your logic is unfathomable, how can I understand you?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Simple words like he said, she said, are invisible to the reader. It means the reader can focus on what he or she should be focused on – your cracker of a story, so don’t be afraid to use them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>4) Redundancies</u></b>: Check for redundancies, like dialogue tags that are not necessary. Look for other redundancies, like, ‘she nodded her head’ (what else is she going to nod?), ‘the shot killed him and he fell down dead’ (if the shot killed him he is most definitely dead, no need to say it again). Keep your writing as economical as possible. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>5) Adverbs</u></b>: They have their place, but that place is occasional. Most of the time adverbs can be eliminated. Sometimes they can be deleted without having any effect on the sentence because adverbs are often redundant words. At other times the sentence can be rewritten to avoid the adverb, which will give you a stronger sentence. I once read a book where the author was trigger happy with ‘immediately’ and ‘suddenly’. By the end of that book, I swore I would never again write either word. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Instead of, ‘He immediately saw her eyes flash with anger’, try, ‘It was impossible to miss the flash of anger in her eyes’. Compare, ‘She stood up suddenly and glared at him’, with, ‘Surging to her feet, she glared at him’. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>6) Misplaced modifiers</u></b>: Misplaced modifiers are words that are incorrectly separated from the word they are describing. Read your work out loud, either to yourself or to someone else. Nothing highlights misplaced modifiers like reading out loud. ‘I saw an accident walking down the street’, ‘he wore a cap on his head, that was clearly too small’. Say them out loud and you’ll hear it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>7) Storyline</u></b>: Sounds obvious, right? As the writer you know all the backstory, but you haven’t put it all in the book – at least I hope you haven’t. So you know things about your characters the reader doesn’t know. That can lead to inconsistencies in the story. Read your manuscript, paying attention to the storyline to make sure it can be followed, it makes sense, and there are no vital parts of information left out. If your heroes are stranded on a planet and have no oxygen, but you know your main character has evolved to be able to change the atmosphere to oxygen, you have to make sure the reader knows that too. By all means, hold back the information to add tension to the story, but do remember to tell the reader eventually.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>8) Loose ends</u></b>: Sometimes a minor character or story thread can be forgotten and left loose. The reader never finds out why Marshall was so secretive about the bottom left desk drawer – what was in it? Antonia went in search of a cure for Zack’s persistent allergy to her cat and then the cat vanishes from the story and Antonia never does say how her search went. Did she give away the cat? Did Zack overcome his allergy? </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If a story thread is introduced, make sure it is followed to completion, or if it becomes redundant to the story, delete it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>9) Filler words</u></b>: We are all guilty of using them. Filler words are words such as: just, very, that, really, so, well, as, like. I use so and well too much. Learn your filler words and delete as many as are not needed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>10) Pet words</u></b>: Like filler words, we all have pet words that we love to utilise. I use the adverb clearly too much, and there are plenty of others. When you read your manuscript look for words you use frequently and replace them with alternatives.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>11) Repetition</u></b>: Repetition can be as easy to spot as using the same word twice in a single sentence. Repetition is also saying the same thing two different ways in the same paragraph. Read carefully, and delete repetitive sentences. If you said that Sandy was sitting in her cubicle at work, and she hasn’t left it, you don’t need to repeat where she is. If you’ve already explained that she sits near Max the suspect and can hear his phone conversations you don’t need to say it again. The reader already knows.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><u>12) Paragraphs</u></b>: Paragraphs give structure to a story. There should be a separate paragraph for each character in dialogue. Short paragraphs keep the reader’s eye moving faster down the page so are good for action. Longer paragraphs are good for reflective scenes. However, paragraphs should be structured so that topics flow naturally and not too much is crammed into one. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Taking the time to self-edit before sending your work to me, or to another editor, helps both you and me. And self-editing is an excellent way to become a better writer. And becoming a better writer is something we work on our entire career.</span></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-79077399850367633212016-04-22T09:53:00.002+10:002016-04-22T09:53:36.231+10:00Disaster!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Apologies to all of you who are waiting on the next Zora instalment, it's going to be late this week - like two instalments next week late!<br />
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I had a disaster, the hard drive on my laptop crashed and died, beyond recovery. I was lazy, and hadn't backed up for a long time and so I've lost a lot of work, including the next few Zora instalments and over 30 000 words on my current novel. That hurts, a lot. So it's taken me a while to regroup but I'm back now.<br />
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Zora will be back next Monday, with another instalment later in the week to make up for the missed one this week.<br />
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In the meantime, Cassie is now live in Amazon. She's had a bit of a rewrite to make it book format rather than a series of episodes, and there is some extra material in it as well, so go take a look. The link is here:<br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Cassies-Story-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B01EKZJT98">Cassie's Story</a></div>
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I am back in the groove after my mind went numb at the news of my hard drive. It's hard to take, the loss of so much work. But, it was my own fault, I should have been backing up all along. I am now!</div>
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Take a look at Cassie, I'm proud of how the book turned out, and I promise, two episodes of Zora next week!</div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-80718594122407476232016-04-13T10:44:00.002+10:002016-04-13T10:44:53.613+10:00Zora's Light continuation<span style="font-size: large;">It's been a hectic week, and here it is Wednesday already, without a Zora instalment! So sorry those of you who have been looking for it, here it is,and the link for the first book in the series also: </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Zoras-Dawn-Defender-Book-1-ebook/dp/B00Y6MODL0">Zora's Dawn</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora was yawning by the time they got back to their room, only too happy to use the bathroom first to get ready for bed. She was almost asleep when Powers finished his own preparations, but this obvious sign of weariness did not deter him from sitting on the side of her bed. Forcing reluctant eyes open Zora raised an eyebrow but said nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Zora, you know that Ziyad is a shifter, yes?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The other eyebrow arched up. “Of course, he is a guardian. Why do you ask?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers ran a hand through his hair. “Well, shifters tend to be hot blooded, and he comes from a hot climate so he is probably even more so.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“And?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“And he is a guardian and you are a defender.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers was beginning to look uncomfortable. “So even though he is not <i>your</i> guardian it would still not be wise to start anything with him.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora lay in silence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Zora?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Let me see if I have this straight. You are thinking that a mild flirtation from a gorgeous man is enough to turn my head, so that I forget our purpose here and indulge in a holiday romance? You are imagining hot sex in the desert while the rogue werewolf kills again?” Zora sat up and glared at Powers, her temper making her eyes spark as she spoke, or so it looked to an alarmed Powers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Well, he is charming, and he is handsome and charismatic. And he did seem to be interested in you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You believe I am so desperate for male companionship that a few words and a smile are enough to awaken unbridled lust. Thank you for that character assassination Powers, I’ll be sure to pass on your kind words to Ziyad. No doubt he will be thrilled with your assessment of him.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers was beginning to look annoyed. “Calm down Zora, no need to over react. I was just suggesting…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“I know what you were suggesting and it’s insulting! How dare you even THINK I would be that shallow. You, who had a different girl each week, sitting there so high and mighty telling me how I should behave.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“I didn’t have a different girl each week. Well I didn’t sleep with all of them anyway.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora tossed her head, the strands of her red hair glowing like they had been lit by her ire. “Oh I’m sure there was not much sleeping going on at all. And now you sit here and tell me how I should behave. Well you listen to me Powers Barnham. If I want to flirt with Ziyad, if I want to see how it feels to kiss a guardian I damn well will and it’s none of your business!” She had no intention of doing either, but she was furious.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers leaned forward, pushing his face close to hers. Zora was fascinated and a little worried to see his eyes take on a yellow cast and faint feline shape, as though he was close to changing. “You will not flirt with Ziyad, you will not kiss him. I forbid it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">That did it. Who was he to forbid her anything? She had done all they asked of her, she had dropped her entire life to go on this chase for a rogue werewolf, a being that only a few weeks ago she hadn’t even known existed. She knew that no matter the outcome of this mission she would never be able to go back to her old life. She had not asked to be a Defender, she didn’t want to be a Defender. She just wanted to be Zora, free to flirt with whomever she pleased should she wish to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You are my Guardian, you are not my father, you can’t order me around like that. I will do as I please and there is nothing you can do to stop me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Never mind that Zora had not given any thought to kissing the handsome Egyptian, that was not the point. She was furious that Powers was sitting there telling her what to do as though he had a right to do so. She jutted her chin up at him aggressively, refusing to be the one to back down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers placed a hand on either side of her and leaned even closer, until their noses were almost touching. Tendrils of Zora’s hair touched his, fiery red mixing with deep brown. Wherever her hair touched Powers it seemed to glow but neither of them noticed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You will not kiss Ziyad, you will not flirt with him. I will not allow it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You. Can’t. Stop. Me.” Zora practically bit out the words, wishing she could bite him instead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Yes I can.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“How?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You want to kiss a guardian? Here.” Without any further warning Powers closed the distance between them, his lips finding hers as though they had kissed many times before. His arms went around her and pulled her close, his hands coming up to tangle in her hair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora’s brain stopped, she had never been kissed like this. She forgot that she was a defender, and Powers was her guardian. She forgot that they should not be doing this, she forgot about the rogue. Nothing existed for her in that moment except Powers mouth on hers, his arms around her, his hands sliding through her hair. Arrows of sensation were zinging through her entire body, sharp pangs of desire, sweet flows of pleasure. She moaned into his mouth and returned his kiss, wrapping her arms around him and surrendering herself to sensations she had never felt before with any other man. Caught up in the moment neither of them noticed her hair, which was spread across her back and Powers’ shoulders like a cloak. It was glowing as though alive, growing brighter and brighter as the kiss became more passionate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora was consumed by the kiss, by the urgent desire for fulfilment that grew stronger with every second. Powers growled, pulling her tighter in his arms until she felt they were one. Never before had she felt this sensation of surrender, of belonging, of blending and melding. It felt otherworldly, magical but frightening. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">It was the pulsing at her throat that broke the spell. Pushing Powers back Zora looked down at her pendant, shocked to see it glowing, the golden stars that dotted its surface shining against the darker gold and brown tones as though lit by an internal flame. With a shaking hand she lifted it, pushing impatiently at her hair which fell from Powers’ shoulder as he changed position.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Although fading swiftly with the dimming of their passion, the red strands were glowing enough to have both Zora and Powers staring at it in shock. Powers lifted a lock, which began to glow again at his touch. Zora stared from her pendant to her hair to Powers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Powers? Is this a defender/guardian thing?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers ran a shaking hand through his hair. “I don’t know sweetheart. This has never happened to me before. Kissing you is like the most powerful drug in existence. I didn’t want to stop. It was only your enhanced strength that allowed you to push me away.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“And now I’m glowing like I’ve been plugged into a power station. Do you think that’s why defenders and guardians don’t become involved? Does the fairy spell make passion irresistible? What if there’s some sort of reverse effect, like instead of combusting a rogue, I instead combust myself?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Her hair was still glowing where it rested on Powers’ hand. He dropped it and the strands began to fade. Looking down at her pendant Zora saw that it too was returning to its usual self. Powers picked up her hair again, but dropped it when it lit up. He reached instead for her hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“I don’t know what this means Zora, I’ve never heard of anything like this happening. I don’t even know if a defender/guardian relationship is forbidden or if it just hasn’t happened. Or maybe it has, in other families and we just don’t know. I always thought it was a practical thing, since the guardian family is tied to the defender family through the fairy created bond.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora nodded. “That makes sense, if you and I were to have children, who would be the daughter’s guardian, and what of future generations? We would effectively end the line with us.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers agreed, “Yes, although my father was not your mother’s guardian, my uncle was.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora stared at Powers. “Your uncle was my mother’s guardian? You know I’m sure I never met him. I didn’t even think about that until now. Why didn’t I ever meet him?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers studied her for several long seconds, appearing to be deliberating before replying. “Well, I don’t know the full story. I only know that for some reason when I was about two I began talking about Zora and describing you, and that was how my family knew I was to be your guardian.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Did your uncle have children?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Not at the time, although there were several miscarriages.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“So the bond must have just gone to the next family member in line, like the line of succession in a royal family.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Smiling a little Powers agreed. “I guess that’s so, although I didn’t inherit jewelry, just a cranky woman.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ordinarily Zora would have been offended, or at least pretended to be. But at that moment she felt too drained and disappointed to even pretend. “Powers I don’t know what happened just now, I’ve never felt like that, as though I had to have you and nothing else mattered. I don’t understand it, and I don’t understand why my pendant and my hair act as though you are a power point.” She paused, giggled a bit. “Oh, Powers the power point, that’s kind of funny.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“But not in a good way. I don’t understand it either Zora, but I don’t think we should do that again.” His stomach clenched as he said the words, what he wanted was to pull her into his arms again, kiss her senseless and take her to bed. But this was not the time nor the place, and might even be dangerous for her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You’re right.” It was the only thing she could say but it was not how she felt. Her body was crying out for Powers but it was not possible. There were so many things about this new life that were not fair but this one seemed right now to be the worst one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers lifted the hand he still held, kissed the back gently and placed it in her lap before standing. “You will forgive me I hope Zora, I need a shower, a cold one.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora smiled, and watched him until the bathroom door closed behind him. Lying back down in her bed she wondered how she was going to cope with this attraction that had leapt up between them. It was hot like a fire, and she was the flame. Perhaps she was literally the flame, she didn’t know. Axel would know, he was the fairy who had performed the original bespelling of both their families. She resolved to ask him as soon as there was an opportunity. At the very least she needed to know if there was such a thing as a reverse combustion, it was no less plausible than a sentient silver staff with a disconcerting mode of travel after all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-18298166162318810192016-04-06T10:23:00.001+10:002016-04-06T10:23:27.853+10:00The Great Wedding Scam<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">What about the cards and gifts she received? What about her spouse? How is it that she appears to consider her wedding dress more important than her vows and her spouse? Isn’t the whole meaning behind the wedding circus supposed to be starting a new life with a spouse? How did one day, the day when you sign the paperwork that makes you an official couple, become such a money pit? One of the articles I read before I started writing this stated that a lot of couples expect to receive gifts that add up in value to the cost of the wedding. Which makes the entire day a business arrangement. Where is the romance, the love, the emotional value in that?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLsj2Bo_ZigISsXlWwT1Ip03ZGUjEe9aaWWj_nBj_WSYDFKDYB3qSZ_ISV_7xbhfn_j-l03wLnWRlWk9wCwENyRyi8uM-P7-M5BVqY8zqjJe9bis_ezuAk0BKwscpDwGmBKVTiizw6sD_G/s1600/wedding+cake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLsj2Bo_ZigISsXlWwT1Ip03ZGUjEe9aaWWj_nBj_WSYDFKDYB3qSZ_ISV_7xbhfn_j-l03wLnWRlWk9wCwENyRyi8uM-P7-M5BVqY8zqjJe9bis_ezuAk0BKwscpDwGmBKVTiizw6sD_G/s320/wedding+cake.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">I have never had a traditional wedding. I’ve never had a wedding gown and I’m not likely to. So I can’t talk about it from experience. But I cannot understand why there must be so much money spent, why it has become some kind of keeping up with the Jones thing. And what irritated me about this article is that the writer said that having a cheap wedding dress strikes her as tacky. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">Tacky? Tacky is spending more than you can afford on showing off, and having to pay for it for years afterwards. Tacky is an over-priced designer gown that has cost far more than it could possibly be worth just because it is designer. Tacky is buying into (literally) the belief that a wedding day is all about showing off, and tacky is believing that the dress the bride wears is more important than anything else, including the love that is supposed to be between the bride and groom. Tacky is the sense of entitlement that many of the western world carry with them without realizing it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">Weddings, for ordinary people, are about love, about committing to a partner. There is no reason they should be so expensive. None. You can get married in a registry office and have a backyard reception. You can go to McDonalds if you want. The wedding industry wants you to think that all of this frippery is necessary but it’s not. You don’t need special wedding stationery, you don’t need to release fifty doves, or arrive at the venue in a horse drawn coach. You don’t need a $6000 dress. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilkZr2K0GOz9xo7MekN3MThbXxXAEFQLmpsCvYAJXASy_hsE2hEaiTHwkBWxAOFLZHGdlRy1_smYCSODN86_c6mREarDBUIoGXvczepET-0aqWRsx219kgMSgkUw55xmnRaXt6L4a-WGfm/s1600/wedding+ring.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilkZr2K0GOz9xo7MekN3MThbXxXAEFQLmpsCvYAJXASy_hsE2hEaiTHwkBWxAOFLZHGdlRy1_smYCSODN86_c6mREarDBUIoGXvczepET-0aqWRsx219kgMSgkUw55xmnRaXt6L4a-WGfm/s320/wedding+ring.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">Why not forget all the expensive trappings, and focus on the meaning behind it all? You can still have a wonderful, special day. You can have a beautiful dress, made by a local dressmaker for a fraction of the cost of a designer gown. There are many ways to have a cheap wedding without missing out on all of the frills, if your heart is set on them. Get back to the meaning and forget about the hype. In the end, all you’re doing is lining the pockets of the people who make a fortune out of the industry, and who have a vested interest in perpetuating this belief that a wedding must be a day of extravagance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">Marriage should be a day of celebration, a day when family and friends gather together in celebration of the lifetime commitment made by two people. It should not the culmination of months of stress and planning and expense. All that money could be put towards your life together. Or, here’s a thought, some of that money saved could be put towards saving a life. Donate some of the excess to a worthy cause. Spread love instead of dollar signs.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"> </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivMbfABIWebuQGsbUuHyFjvVxnFAo0yTE7fh90iw5lxRU9mU1PFXDYaqu1RN7eWJjZE_hsmDYD6HdqzEv0dEq_VrgB5jJqbxWB3-_4D06Bb_RSmNWwAK3XkbjdPDYNkDAqyum8x6j5wMoN/s1600/wedding+heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivMbfABIWebuQGsbUuHyFjvVxnFAo0yTE7fh90iw5lxRU9mU1PFXDYaqu1RN7eWJjZE_hsmDYD6HdqzEv0dEq_VrgB5jJqbxWB3-_4D06Bb_RSmNWwAK3XkbjdPDYNkDAqyum8x6j5wMoN/s320/wedding+heart.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span>Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-18189685592488435282016-04-05T12:51:00.001+10:002016-04-05T12:51:21.911+10:00Zora's Light continuation<span style="font-size: large;">It's Tuesday isn't it? Somehow I missed a day, sorry about that guys. Here's the next instalment of Zora, hope you enjoy it. As always, if you want to read the first part of her story the link is here, and if you don't you should have no trouble following the story as it unfolds here. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Zoras-Dawn-Defender-Book-1-ebook/dp/B00Y6MODL0">Zora's Dawn</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Talk remained light over dinner, everyone by mutual consent enjoying the delicious meal. Once Zora looked up to see Ziyad watching her again, he raised his glass to her before turning his head to reply to something Axel said. Powers growled, Zora frowned at him and the moment passed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Dinner over, their party moved to the more informal bar area, where there were comfortable lounging chairs and small round tables. The helpful staff rearranged the seating so that their large group could sit together. The fairy guard, as was their habit, chose seats at intervals around the group so they could keep watch. Even in this setting they remained on duty. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers sat next to Zora, putting himself between her and Ziyad. She compressed her lips at his possessive behaviour, making no attempt to hide her irritation from her mind. That he caught her thoughts showed in the heavy frown darkening his face, but he stayed seated. Axel grinned in amusement and winked at Zora, a reaction that lightened her feelings of irritation. She smiled back at him and half shrugged, rolling her eyes in Powers direction, which made Axel laugh out loud.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You have a delightful laugh Lord Axel.” Basma smiled her gentle smile before continuing, “I would wish that these difficult times will soon be ended so that we can all laugh more often.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Her words seemed to be the cue to take the conversation to the reason they were all there - the rogue werewolf. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“As you now know Basma and Ziyad, we believe the rogue may be part of the entourage for Daciana, who will be giving a concert at the pyramids in a couple of nights. Do you know where they will be staying, and when they will arrive?” Axel’s expression had turned serious.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ziyad leaned forward, all casual indolence gone. “They arrive tomorrow morning, and will be staying at the Le Meridien which is not far from here. It is a pity they do not stay here, it would be much easier for you to mingle with the crew.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Basma nodded. “However they will almost certainly do some sightseeing at the pyramids and in Cairo – everyone does. There are still two days to the concert, they will want to relax beforehand. We have friends who work at the hotel, they will get more information for us.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Are your friends shifters or something else?” Powers voice showed none of his earlier irritation, all focus now on the mission.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ziyad inclined his head. “They are shifters. We have a large shifter population in Cairo.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“There are many witches also, and they are currently combing the city in search of anything that looks wrong. Of course they are working with Axel and the fairies.” Shax was sitting next to Marcus, with Sunny on her other side.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“The vampires and werewolves are also searching. It is possible that there are more rogues, and it is also possible that the one we seek is not among Daciana’s people so we must look in all places.” Axel accepted a small cup of Turkish coffee from a waiter, which made Zora wonder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Axel, should we be discussing such a sensitive topic here?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> The fairy prince raised an eyebrow at her. “You believe I am affected by jetlag perhaps little Zora?” </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">At her chagrined expression he smiled gently. “Do not worry, I merely tease you. I have altered the perception of the staff here and the other guests. To them, we are speaking Fairy, and as such they have no inkling of that which we speak. Not that they know it is Fairy of course. It is simply a foreign language to them.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora could feel herself blushing and cursed again the pale complexion that came as a package deal with her red hair. Ziyad took a Turkish coffee from the waiter, and with the tongs provided, added something to the saucer from the tray on the table in front of him. He passed it to Zora.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Here Zora, try this Turkish coffee, it is superb. Try also the kunafa, it is an Egyptian sweet that I believe you will love.” As she took the cup and saucer from him he added softly, “Do not be embarrassed because you blush, the pink under your skin merely highlights your beauty.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora almost dropped her coffee at the compliment coupled with the wicked gleam in his soft dark eyes. “Th-thank you Ziyad, it is most kind of you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">She sat back in her seat, wishing she could fan her face which had turned an even brighter hue at his words. She could feel Powers anger, and Axel’s amusement. Looking up she saw Shax grinning and Sunny openly ogling Ziyad. Without missing a beat Ziyad signaled a waiter and said something in Arabic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The waiter hurried off and came back with a tray holding several cups of the delicious Turkish coffee. Ziyad added a piece of kunafa to each saucer and handed the cups to Shax, Sunny, Sara, Clare, Samantha and lastly Basma. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“We are honoured to have such beauty in our group to take our minds off the gravity of our task.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Each of the women, except Basma who gave a wry smile, blushed at being on the receiving end of Ziyad’s charm. The men, apart from Axel, were frowning heavily. The waiter came back again with coffee for the rest of their group, which Ziyad offered with the same courtesy but without the mild flirtatious charm. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora tried the kunafa, curious to know what it tasted like, and almost moaned at the delicious flavour bursting in her mouth. It was like a vanilla slice, only much nicer than any vanilla slice she had ever had. She looked up to see Ziyad smiling at her, his dark eyes warm with approval at her obvious enjoyment of the sweet treat. Disapproval was rolling off Powers, which sparked an imp of mischief in her. Leaning forward she eyed his piece of kunafa.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Are you going to eat that?” she asked innocently.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers glared at her and popped the treat into his mouth, chewing angrily. She grinned, and her eyes locked with Ziyad’s in a moment of shared amusement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Putting his coffee cup onto the table in front of him Axel said, “Daciana and her entourage will need to sleep when they arrive. They are human – apart from the rogue – and they will be exhausted. I do not believe they will do anything until the afternoon at the earliest, so I propose that tomorrow morning we go into Cairo, and meet up with some representatives. Where do you suggest we meet Basma?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Basma leaned back in her seat and steepled her fingers under her chin in a gesture reminiscent of Marcus. “I think we should meet at Kahn El-Khalili souk. It is full of tourists and with a group of our size it will be a good way for us to pass unnoticed.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Shax grinned. “I love that place! You will love it too guys, I know this is a serious quest, but still wait until you see it!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Basma smiled at her enthusiasm, while Ziyad added, “Miss Shax, it will be an honour to accompany you, I too love this place.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Shax batted her eyes at him. “You must show me your favourite shops Ziyad.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Inclining his head, he said, “It will be my pleasure.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora glanced at Jake, surprised to see him looking furious. Hmmm, maybe there was another reason why he and Shax clashed. Looking at Shax she saw nothing to show she had noticed Jake’s reaction, but Shax seemed pretty good at hiding her thoughts when she wanted to. Shrugging mentally Zora decided she had more than enough to think about already without adding something else to the mix.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-83717247105106528852016-03-29T16:32:00.001+10:002016-03-29T16:32:20.046+10:00Grief and the dildo<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">This is a dildo called 21 grams, and it’s made of glass, with a brass insert into which can be placed the ashes of a loved one. Yes, you read that right, the ashes of a loved one. Now the world of sex toys is a lucrative business, that’s well known. The range of dildos and vibrators is stunning in the variety of shapes, styles and colours – although admittedly with a big leaning towards pastel hues. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">This particular one is made of clear glass with a pale grey end, and comes in a pale grey case. It is not, to my eyes, attractive or elegant. The design of the dildo is the same as that of a cheap vibrator, and that was what I thought it was until I read the article. The storage box is chunky, with a kind of retro feel, a bit like a 1970’s lunch box. The name, 21 grams, refers to the weight loss a person is supposed to experience at the time of death, something which I believe has been discredited. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">People use vibrators and dildos for pleasure, obviously. Singles and couples use them for fun or to increase intimacy. They don’t use them to replicate or to simulate intimacy. I just cannot get my head around the thought that a person could use this particular dido as a way of recreating intimacy with a lost loved one. The inventor says that the storage box can be used to store personal items of meaning, such as a wedding ring and a handkerchief. The items can be taken out while remembering sweet times with the deceased.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">As well as the dildo, the storage box has speakers and an iPod/iPhone dock, and even a perfume atomizer. It has a key that can be worn as a pendant. It is supposed to be tasteful and a way of reconnecting to the deceased. The designer even said that he got the idea from his friendship with an elderly lady who kept her husband’s ashes in an urn and talked to him regularly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Quite how he made the leap from conversation to sex is beyond me. But there it is. It’s all a bit icky, and kind of dark. Do people really want to have sex with their deceased loved ones? What bothers me about this is not so much the necrophilia association that I can’t help making, but the apparent lack of understanding of intimacy, at least my understanding of intimacy. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Intimacy isn’t soft music, perfume, and sex with a glass dildo. Intimacy cannot be recreated in that way. Intimacy with a lost loved one can’t be recreated at all and certainly not by using a dildo filled with the ashes of your spouse.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">Yes, intimacy is sex, but it’s a special kind of sex that is shared only by lovers and it cannot be recreated. Intimacy is conversation, shared laughter, memories and thoughts. Intimacy is a soft touch, a kiss on the forehead, watching movies together or talking about the day just gone. Intimacy is a cup of tea in bed, a favourite meal prepared, an ear to listen. Intimacy is sitting in silence because words are not needed, a glance exchanged with perfect understanding. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">This seems to me seems to be such a lonely concept, it almost makes me cry even to think about it. I can’t see how it could in any way help the one left behind. If they need an outlet, I don’t think this is the way to get it. I don’t think a bereaved person would think so either. Is this an example of the difference between how the mind works in a man and a woman? I don’t think so. Maybe it is, instead, an example of the thinking process of someone who has never been in a loving relationship, or has never lost a loved one. I don’t know. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am all for each to his own, and live and let live. Everyone is different and that’s fine. So long as nobody gets hurt I believe that we are all free to be the weird little freaks that we all are in some way. I don’t think that race, colour, religion, age, sex, or culture should be an issue. If the people concerned are happy that’s all that matters, especially in this world full of anger and hate. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">So, I guess, there are many ways to deal with grief. Perhaps the designer was merely trying to help make grief bearable. I can’t see it though, I just can’t.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">If you want to read the article, the link is here: <a href="http://www.dezeen.com/2015/04/26/21-grams-sex-toy-contains-ashes-of-dead-partner-mark-sturkenboom/">21 Grams</a><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: large;">And if you want to check out this about something that I can see would help with grief, take a look at this article on a weighted blanket: <a href="http://www.fastcodesign.com/3041936/this-weighted-blanket-with-hands-comforts-the-grieving">Grieving blanket</a><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-10374354609158292722016-03-28T16:21:00.001+10:002016-03-28T16:21:13.554+10:00Zora's Light, the continuation<span style="font-size: large;">Goodness, I almost forgot it was Monday, sorry guys. I hope you all had a lovely Easter, with plenty of chocolate and family time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It's not Easter in Zora's world, here she is, and remember, while you can easily read this as a stand alone you can always check out the story, including the prequel, in Zora's Dawn:</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Zoras-Dawn-Defender-Book-1-ebook/dp/B00Y6MODL0"><span style="font-size: large;">Zora's Dawn</span></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Showering that evening Zora was thankful for the foresight of Axel. As much as she wanted to see Cairo she still felt too washed out from the jetlag. Her only other international travel had been a trip to Singapore with her father a few years ago. That was a relatively short flight from Australia so no jetlag problems. Staring in the mirror at the dark shadows under her eyes Zora wondered how it must feel for ordinary humans, who lacked the enhanced recovery of the supernaturals. Well, she wasn’t supernatural but she did have enhanced abilities, thanks to the spell cast on her family by Axel all those generations ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Abandoning the mirror and her thoughts she dressed in one of the new outfits purchased by the ever obliging Emma back in Melbourne, tailored black pants and a long sleeved top in a shade of gold that exactly matched the gold in her pendant. She added tiger eye earrings, bought by her father on the first anniversary of her mother’s death in an attempt to lift her grief. They hadn’t achieved that goal, but she had appreciated the gesture. Now she often wore them as a symbolic way of linking her parents. Her pendant, of course, she never took off, not since her mother had gifted it to her so long ago. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A memory of the box in the attic at her father’s house slid before her mind’s eye. It was her responsibility, but she still believed it was safest left there. Nobody else knew about it, not even her father. After her mother’s death she had placed a pendent, the twin to hers, inside the box. The box she had locked in a chest along with a small stack of books. She had never looked at the books, not since that day her mother had shown her the chest and the key. Given their current circumstances she felt even more certain that the chest should remain in her father’s attic, at least for the time being.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Pushing the memories to the back of her mind Zora left the bathroom. Powers was waiting patiently for his turn to shower. He stared at her for a few seconds, before brushing past her. Wondering if she had managed to get lipstick on her teeth – not unusual for her – Zora bared them at herself in the mirror, reassured to see them clean. She shrugged, perhaps Powers didn’t believe that she could dress suitably. Figuring he would be some time she decided to make herself a cup of tea, sit on the balcony with that incomparable view of the great pyramid, and relax. She could always redo her lipstick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers, meanwhile, was staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. No matter how he tried to ignore it, Zora touched something deep inside him. His feelings for her were growing, about which he despaired. He was her guardian, he could not be anything else. She had come out of the bathroom looking like everything he ever wanted, a vision in red and gold. He was sure he had seen sparks coming from her pendant, just for a second as he went past her. It was as though her pendant recognized him, and that could not be either. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">He wondered if he should talk to Axel about it, but hesitated. With all that was going on it seemed a trivial thing to be worried about. He was just going to have to control himself. He was not a hormonal boy, he was a grown man. Of course, he was also a hot blooded shape shifter, which did not help in controlling this attraction. Slapping the side of the bathroom sink in frustration he pushed away his thoughts. It was time for a shower, a cold shower.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers was so long in the shower that Zora began to wonder if he had slipped over. Sara, Sunny and Shax had all sent her messages to let her know they were on their way up to the main building, and Powers was still primping himself in the bathroom. She checked her watch, relieved to see that they were not late, not yet anyway. Coming back from the balcony Zora deposited her cup on the tray next to the kettle. She was peering at herself in the mirror, deciding if she needed to renew her lipstick when Powers emerged from the bathroom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Finally! I was wondering if you had drowned.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Oh ha ha, pot calling the kettle black there.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers stopped behind her and frowned at her reflection. Zora pouted back at him, then pulled her lipstick out of her bag and started to renew it. As she did so she saw a strange expression cross Powers face before he strode off to the balcony doors. Shrugging, who knew what was in his head, she finished and blotted her lips on a tissue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Okay, we had better get going. The others are already up there.” Picking up her bag she twirled in front of Powers. “How do I look?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">He grunted, then said, “You look fine. You always do.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Fine. Powers I have to meet another Defender, I want to look like I belong in this group and that I’m not the outsider we both know I am.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers stared at her for several long seconds, then stepped closer to her and took her hands in his.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You do belong, you are one of us. You are the most special one of us and don’t let your fears, or Jake, tell you otherwise. And you look beautiful, like a dream.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora blinked a little. Really she wished she could understand this man.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Come on.” Tugging her hands a little before dropping them he started to walk towards the door. “You know I’ve just realized that I haven’t been seeing your thoughts so much lately.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Oh, Axel showed me how to close the bond.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers stopped in his tracks. “Close the bond? You’ve closed the bond?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Oops. She knew it would be a bad idea for him to know. What was she thinking, letting it slip. “Yes, but Axel told me to never close it, so that you will know if I need you. I only keep my thoughts private.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers frowned at this news. Clearly he didn’t like being tossed out of her head. Well that was too bad. He didn’t need to know her thoughts, or to see her, when she was right there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“I don’t like it. I have access to your mind for a reason, to protect you. I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s going on.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You don’t need to know what I’m thinking, I’m right here. And the bond is still open so if anything goes wrong you will know.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“If I don’t know what you’re thinking how can I know if someone is threatening or harassing you unless I’m right beside you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora sighed. “Powers I can take care of myself. And you’re almost always beside me these days. Anyone would think you like knowing my thoughts.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Well I liked your mental picture of me in my black boxer shorts, very flattering.” Powers grinned suggestively at her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“And that’s exactly why I’m keeping my private thoughts private!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Why, are you having X-rated thoughts about me?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“No! Of course not! God, you’d be the last man I’d have those sorts of thoughts about. I mean okay there was that one time but I explained that.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Aware that she was digging herself a hole Zora decided to retreat while she still had dignity. “Come on, we will be late.” As Powers opened his mouth she forestalled him. “And I’ll open the bond fully for this evening, but once we are back here my thoughts are my own again.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers grinned, a self satisfied male grin. “That’s fine Zora. I know you like to dream about me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Don’t be ridiculous. Now let’s go.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">They walked up to the main building in silence, Zora stalking along with her back stiff with annoyance. Insufferable man. Remembering that he now had access to her thoughts she focused instead on the local Defender she would soon be meeting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">When they entered the dining room she saw that their group was all there, and that the local Defender and her Guardian had not yet arrived. That was good, she felt it would have been bad manners to arrive after their guests.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Taking her seat she smiled at Sunny, Shax and Sara who were closest to her. Joe was deep in conversation with Marcus who had a glass of red wine in front of him. Zora looked askance at it and seeing her look Sunny leaned close and murmured, “Don’t worry, it’s actual wine, not his ‘special’ wine.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">That was a relief. Sunny’s family was one of the human families who supplied blood to the vampire community – in convenient baggies that could be stored in the fridge. While vampires did drink from humans, it was only from consenting adults, so they supplemented with the bagged blood. Marcus preferred to drink his from a wine glass.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Jake was sitting halfway down the table glowering at Shax. Zora wondered if they had argued again, which led her to worrying whether it was a good idea that Jake was here at all. He didn’t approve of her and seemed to be always fighting with Shax. He appeared to her to be a disruptive influence, but he was a werewolf and as such had a right to be with them. And Axel had allowed him to come and he was bound to be a better judge than her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Putting the problem of Jake out of her mind she accepted the glass of red wine Powers handed her. She couldn’t stop herself from taking a sniff before she took a sip, just to be sure. It had unnerved her to know that Marcus drank blood as casually as she drank wine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers winked at her, then turned to look across the restaurant. Zora followed his gaze and saw two of the most beautiful people she had ever seen in her life coming towards them. The woman was tall and willowy, with long wavy black hair. Even from across the room Zora could see she was stunning, with large dark eyes heavily outlined in kohl. On Zora it would look like clown make-up. On this woman it looked dramatic and mysterious. The man walking beside her was also beautiful, in a masculine way. He was tall, with dark curly hair, a mouth that could only be described as luscious, and the most gorgeous liquid eyes she had ever seen. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">She glanced at the women sitting with her. Shax, Sunny and Sara were staring at the new arrivals with the same stunned expression that she was sure was on her face. Powers was not looking at them, he was frowning at her. Of course, with the bond wide open he could see her reaction to the man coming towards them. Well tough. She smiled sweetly at him and fixed her gaze on the new arrivals. They had to be the local Defender and Guardian. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Axel stood to greet the newcomers, as did all the men in their party. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">After kissing the woman on both cheeks, Axel shook the man’s hand before enveloping him in a hug. “Basma, Ziyad, great to see you both. Come, sit, and meet everyone.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Basma sat but Ziyad remained standing behind his chair. They both appeared to be relaxed, smiling at the rest of the table. Axel had seated them to the left and right of him at the head, and began performing introductions, starting at Samantha on Ziyad’s left.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“And this is Zora, Defender.” Zora half rose from her seat as the introductions reached her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Ah yes, I have heard of you and the power of your visions.” Basma smiled at her. “I look forward to speaking to you about your experiences.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“And you are so beautiful Miss Zora, we did not hear of your beauty.” Ziyad also smiled, with devastating effect. Zora could not take her eyes off him. His soft accent gave her name a foreign lilt that made it sound almost sexy. Feeling herself blushing Zora sank down in her seat, grateful for the soft lighting.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Flustered, she cast around for a reply that would sound sophisticated but found nothing and had to resort to, “Thank you Ziyad, and Basma I look forward to talking to you as well.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Feeling like a clumsy fool she was grateful when the introductions moved past her to James. She picked up her wine glass to take a fortifying sip, noticing as she did Shax leaning towards her across the table.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Egyptian men, they are beautiful aren’t they? And they are so charming, but watch out as they often can’t be trusted. Although as a guardian I am sure Ziyad does not come into that category.” Shax winked at Zora. “Those eyes, it should be a crime for men to have eyes so beautiful and sexy.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora grinned, grateful that she wasn’t the only one to notice. “Do you mean they all have eyes like that? Why have I never been to Egypt before?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers began to growl, a low animal growl deep in his throat. Glancing at him Zora put on her most innocent expression. “What’s the matter Powers? Has something upset you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Sunny and Sara, having been on the receiving end of Ziyad’s smile and lilting voice were both looking star struck. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Wow, if I wasn’t married I’d be giving him some serious consideration. Well if I wasn’t also a Defender and him being a Guardian.” Sara picked up her napkin and fanned herself exaggeratedly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“My goodness, that is the most attractive man I have ever seen, did you see his eyes? And his smile? And his voice, it’s sooo beautiful.” Sunny’s blue eyes sparkled with excitement. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A few seats down from her Marcus was looking as grim as Powers, while Jake was frowning even more heavily. Zora looked up the table, to see that Ziyad had taken his seat once the introductions had been completed, and was staring at her. Catching her eye he smiled and winked. Zora felt herself blushing again. Of course, as a guardian he was also a shifter and that meant exceptional hearing. He had no doubt heard them gushing away like schoolgirls. How embarrassing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Shax broke into her thoughts. “Don’t worry Zora, I’ll bet Ziyad gets this reaction all the time. Did you see, Basma did not even notice.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Basma certainly did not look bothered. She was listening to Axel, smiling and nodding as he talked. Just then the waiter came to take their orders, for which Zora was grateful since she was starving. She didn’t think it was because of the extra supernatural presence of Ziyad, more likely it was just her body clock still confused about the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-71997349857948772972016-03-21T15:21:00.001+10:002016-03-21T15:22:26.578+10:00Cassie's Story Update and Zora's Light continuation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6zS-o0DWnzfvot9MJa9w20UcJWCslesE0n88mzyeqmKQPIGJ6yrheoJj4_s3RTye1ZSAh4-uWYHT1ql9uJqvzKNmuE-DOlVUJQHVUOuGjMG2SsUiuZhRkpbchLzIjw1FP2aitoyLKtpA1/s1600/Cassie+Final+cropped.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6zS-o0DWnzfvot9MJa9w20UcJWCslesE0n88mzyeqmKQPIGJ6yrheoJj4_s3RTye1ZSAh4-uWYHT1ql9uJqvzKNmuE-DOlVUJQHVUOuGjMG2SsUiuZhRkpbchLzIjw1FP2aitoyLKtpA1/s320/Cassie+Final+cropped.jpg" width="219" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Happy Monday guys, hope you all had a good week. I said I'd keep you informed about the Kindle Scout enrolment for Cassie's Story, and then I forgot to!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The book was accepted for the campaign and has been running for a few days. If you want to go take a look and nominate it I'd be grateful. Anyone with an Amazon account can nominate, and if the book is selected for publication you get a free digital copy.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Take a look here: <a href="https://kindlescout.amazon.com/p/3S9G0ZJ8IJYOE">Cassie's Story Kindle Scout campaign</a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Ok, onto Zora's Light, and this week's episode. I'm giving backstory as I go, so you can follow even if you haven't read Zora's Dawn. If you want to read it, the link is here:</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Zoras-Dawn-Defender-Book-1-ebook/dp/B00Y6MODL0"><span style="font-size: large;">Zora's Dawn</span></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">And here is the next episode in the story:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">They met outside the front entrance to the hotel. Staring up at the grand façade Zora realized that she didn’t even know its name.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“It is called Mena House Hotel little Zora, and many famous people have been guests here. It was once a royal lodge and changed hands a few times until it was opened as a hotel in 1886.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora nodded, not even registering any more that Axel had read her mind. As the fairy who had bespelled her ancestors generations before, Axel had a special link with her. Powers as her Guardian also had access to her thoughts, however Axel had taught her how to control the link between them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora was relieved to be able to keep her private thoughts private, from Powers at least.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">She jumped when Axel leaned down and whispered in her ear, “Don’t worry little Zora, I do not intrude on your private thoughts.” Grinning, he straightened again and, clapping his hands, gained the attention of them all. “Shall we go? I think as we are so close that we can walk there, don’t you all?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Everyone made affirmative noises and the group set off through the grounds. Zora followed Axel as he turned left, walking along the roadside. As they ascended the hill men with horses and carriages, and others leading camels approached them, but a simple gesture from Axel was enough to turn them away. They continued up the hill, all of them slowing as they saw the great pyramid looming in front of them. Axel left them together to go and arrange tickets, and they all stood staring at the massive structure. All except Shax and the fairy guard. They were looking around at the people milling in all directions.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora pulled her attention away from the imposing sight long enough to look around them. There were people of all nationalities wandering about, most of them in groups and led by local guides. Shax was standing with her hands on her hips, Frenchie at her feet. The five fairy guard were facing in different directions, studying the tourists. Just as Zora started wondering if she should do something Axel returned with a handful of tickets and gestured for them to move forward.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">They moved off as a group, Axel in the lead and the fairy guard walking on the outside. Shax was walking with Jake, Frenchie snuffling along beside her. Sunny had been silent, staring with wide eyes at the pyramids and the city they could see to one side. Marcus walked close to her, ignoring the baleful glare of Sabrina. Sabrina seemed unimpressed with having Marcus so close, and not for the first time Zora wondered how their fledgling relationship would cope if Sabrina decided she did not like Marcus.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> Watching Marcus, Zora decided that Sunny was likely the main reason he had chosen to come along instead of staying back at the hotel. Even though she knew he could handle the sun – being a very old vampire – she was sure he was not comfortable. Sara and Joe were walking behind Axel, their bond evident in the way their footsteps matched. Zora looked at her own feet and those of Powers next to her. They were matched too, and in a small fit of rebellion she changed her stride to make it different.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The sight of the grand pyramid looming above them made her forget everything else. As they got closer she reached out and touched one of the blocks, feeling a tingle of power right down to her toes. Axel had stopped at the base of the steps and was standing to one side as their group ascended.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">When Zora passed next to him he murmured into her ear, “The power of Gaia runs through these stones little Zora, you can feel it I think.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“I think so Axel, I felt very small.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Gaia has reached out to you little Zora, not many defenders receive that blessing.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora swallowed, she was not sure Gaia noticing her was a good thing. Trying to put it out of her mind she began scrambling up the steps, doing her best to ignore the tingles and focusing instead on the doorway looming in front of them. They waited at the entrance for Axel, who again took the lead, waving away the local guides who jumped forward to assist.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Inside was a series of narrow ramps, necessitating single file walking. Zora stood back, insisting that Powers go ahead of her. With a knowing look he grinned and acceded. This was better in that she didn’t feel his eyes watching her rear as she went up, but it meant that instead she got to watch his. She shook her head in irritation with herself. Here she was, walking inside the great pyramid, walking inside history in fact, and she was fixated on the backside of her guardian.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The climb became steeper and Zora was beginning to feel over warm in her jacket. Cold though it was outside, inside the pyramid it felt stuffy. Zora was pleased she didn’t suffer from claustrophobia, she had not realized how narrow the passage would be. The room that they emerged into was disappointingly empty, only an opened sarcophagus with a broken end sat inside. Even though she knew from photos what to expect, she still felt deflated.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“This is the kings chamber, and we climbed up here via the robbers tunnel. I know it looks disappointing, but think how long this sarcophagus has been here.” Shax’s voice was reverent, her touch gentle as she ran a hand along the side of the sarcophagus.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Their group filled the room, each of them wearing the same look of awe as they studied the room and one by one touched the sarcophagus. Zora went and ran her hand down the broken edge. She felt nothing but a slight tingle in her palm and wondered if Gaia had finished with her today. Once everyone finished studying the room they filed out again and down the ramps. Outside Zora was careful navigating the stone steps, having seen a tourist slip on the smooth edge of one when they were going up.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Once they were all on the ground again Axel suggested that they stay together while they explored the rest of the site. There was still a lot to look at – the Sphinx of course; the boat museum that housed an ancient boat, now restored after it was found broken into a thousand pieces and buried; the Eastern and Western cemetery, and the other two large pyramids.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The afternoon was so fascinating that Zora forgot the real reason they were there. It was only when Shax pointed out the desert behind the pyramids, and how spread out the area was that she was reminded of the rogue werewolf.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You see Jake? It would be very easy for the rogue to grab someone and take them back here. And I’m sure even you can feel how special this area is.” Shax glared belligerently at Jake as she spoke.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Jake glared back, but was forced to agree. “I do see Shax, but still if she is to strike at the concert she will need to get her victim back here without anyone else seeing anything.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Shax tapped her foot in the desert dust. “That would be easy, she would just be a girl walking off with a guy at a concert. It would not even register with the other concert goers.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora heard the truth in those words. Shax was right, nobody would pay any attention to a couple wandering off during a concert.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“What about security? There would surely be heavy security at a concert here, with all this around.” Sara waved her hand in the general direction of the pyramids.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“I do feel that if she wants to kill at the pyramids the concert would be the perfect time to do it.” Axel tapped his chin in thought. “Perhaps we will come here to the sound and light show in the next couple of nights. We can assess the situation better I think at night, with an audience present.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">That seemed reasonable to Zora, and she was curious about the sound and light show. Shax screwed up her face at the suggestion though.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Do I need to come to that Axel? I’ve seen it before and it doesn’t change.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Axel smiled at Shax, an apologetic smile. “I would wish that you do Shax, you will be studying the area in a different way, given that we suspect a crime will be committed here.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Shax sighed. “You’re right Axel. Okay, I’ll come along.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Snorting, Shax shook her head. “You’ll find out.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Right folks, I think we are done here, shall we go back to the hotel and decide our next step?” Axel had one eyebrow raised, waiting for the expected assent from them all. Everyone made the right affirmative noises and they began the walk down the hill. Zora turned to look back at the pyramids, still awed that she was there, and had touched them.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Ready Zora?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">She turned, seeing Powers waiting for her. “Yes, thank you. I just can’t believe I’m really here.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“I know, I feel the same way. Even though our mission is serious, I still feel like a tourist.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Her foot slipped on a rock as she walked, and Powers took her arm to steady her. Tingles of sensation raced up her arm and over her body at his touch. Zora was glad she was wearing her jacket so her physical reaction was hidden. Powers seemed unaffected, dropping her arm to open his water bottle and take a drink. They walked in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Zora was wondering where they would go next, and what the sound and light show was like. She was also thinking about the expanse of desert behind the pyramids and the western cemetery. It was a maze of tombs, an area that seemed to her to be a good spot for a ritual killing if it was not guarded at night.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Back at the hotel, they went to their rooms to freshen up before meeting Axel in the restaurant for a light meal while they decided the next move. Axel told them that he had been in contact with the local defender who was anxious to meet with them all. She and her guardian would join them for dinner later that evening.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“So, we will meet back here in three hours. I think it easier tonight if we eat here, tomorrow we will go to Cairo. I am hoping that the local fairies can find out where Daciana and her entourage are staying, I believe they will be arriving soon if they are not here already. Even though we all have our strengths that make jetlag easier to deal with, still I believe you all could use a rest.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Understanding that they had been dismissed the group began to disperse.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Not the fairy guard just yet, I have messages for you all from my mother the queen.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The five fairy guard obediently sat, their faces revealing nothing. Zora wondered what the messages were and if this was a normal thing or not. She sighed, no doubt this was more of the fairy ‘need to know’ policy that meant she would never find out. </span></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-53511576489435683112016-03-15T13:24:00.001+10:002016-03-15T13:24:46.882+10:00Suicide, I don't have the answers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This is about suicide, so I will say right at the outset that I am not a professional counsellor, I am not a doctor, I have taken no courses on suicide prevention. I have no answers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This is from the perspective of someone who knows first hand how tempting suicide can be. It’s a siren song, promising the end to worries and misery, the end to a pointless existence. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A person who is seriously contemplating suicide, and not using it as a form of emotional blackmail, will not tell anyone about it. It comes as a shock even to, or especially to, close friends and family. Most people know this, that people intending to commit suicide will not talk about it. But how many people wonder why this is?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">So many times I have heard it said that a person who commits suicide is selfish, not thinking about the ones left behind. This strikes me as a selfish way to think. It’s saying that the person who has made a decision to end life – for reasons that may make no sense to the ones left but are nonetheless real and valid to the person – should instead continue on because the ones left behind don’t want that person to leave them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">People aren’t going to change their minds because they are told they are needed, that others can’t manage without them, or to consider how others will feel if they take that step. It’s entirely possible that they are taking that step precisely because they are so overwhelmed by responsibility that they can’t handle it any more. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">People who consider suicide believe life will never improve - responsibilities are too much, or illness is making the quality of life too poor, perhaps life has become a pointless exercise. The reasons are many, and valid, and should not be belittled by others who say only, ‘think about the people you leave behind’. That is saying to the sufferer, ‘you are only worth what you give to others, your suffering and your pain is worth nothing to me’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">While that may not be the intent, that is how the message is received. Trying to talk someone out of suicide is likely to push them over the edge. Putting them in the psych ward, well I guess it stops them, and I guess medication to artificially change the mood will help too. Will it stop the problems that led to the decision in the first place? I don’t know.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Will it stop them from trying again at a later date? For some, yes. Some people find a way through the darkness and into the light. They find meaning and purpose to life once more and continue, wiser and more thoughtful. Others give in. To their family and friends it looks like they have recovered and are grateful to be still on the earth. But, the unpalatable truth is that they are wearing a mask, pretending that all is well when it is not. And there are others who keep on trying, dragging out the misery of all concerned until they finally succeed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Being told how other people fight for life is telling the suicidal person they are not as strong, being told they should be grateful there are people who care just puts a sense of responsibility on already sagging shoulders. Trying to make them feel guilty simply exacerbates the guilt they already feel at being a failure. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">So, why don’t suicidal people tell others how they are feeling? I expect the reasons are varied. Likely, so they are not stopped. Also likely, because they are so used to keeping their pain within that they don’t even think to tell anyone how they really feel. Possibly to avoid a lecture that focuses on how other people think they should be feeling, and to avoid having other people react with anger to their pain. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Each person is an individual, each reacts to pain and trauma differently. Some make a final decision, something that I can relate to, even though I chose not to take that path. And I’ve faced that particular siren many times in recent years. I can’t tell you what stopped me, possibly a tiny spark of hope that refuses to extinguish. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There are people who make an impulsive choice, due to trauma, drugs, or mental illness. There are those who make a reasoned, thoughtful choice when they feel that all other options are closed. To reach those people, to help them to change their minds takes a careful, light touch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If you know someone who is struggling with life, reach out. Talk to them, not necessarily about their problems, just talk to them so they know they are not alone. Show them that they are loved for who they are and not what they can do for you. Take the time to learn the warning signs and learn how best to help someone in their position.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Suicide is the ultimate step from which there is no return. People who reach that point feel they are at the end of the road. Don’t make them feel worse, don’t belittle their pain, don’t make them believe their feelings are not important. It’s not a decision taken lightly, so it can’t be easily and quickly changed. Give them your time, and be kind. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Lastly, don’t judge. You don’t know how anyone else is feeling, or how they got to that point. Don’t judge anyone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. It’s the wisest advice ever given. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-58303923891808924572016-03-14T13:08:00.001+10:002016-03-14T13:08:35.166+10:00continuing the story of Zora's Light<span style="font-size: large;">It's Monday again, and it's been a busy week for me. I'm still working on two stories concurrently, and I'm starting to rough out not one but two non-fiction. I'm almost ready to release Cassie's Story. And I'm getting back into Zora's head. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora only recently found out that she is a Defender, of a family bespelled by the fairies generations ago to aid in protecting humankind from rogue werewolves. In Zora's world the supernatural community goes unknown. Vampires and werewolves live among humans, and do not kill. However there have been, through the centuries, rogue werewolves that prey on humans. Zora is unimpressed to be a Defender, and even less impressed to find out that Powers, a man she thinks little of, is her Guardian. They share a telepathic bond which Zora also resents.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Here's the next part to the story in book 2. The link for book 1 is here. It also contains a prequel that gives more of the backstory to Zora and Powers.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Zoras-Dawn-Defender-Book-1-ebook/dp/B00Y6MODL0">Zora's Dawn</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Turning her head Zora looked to her right and stared in amazement. How had she missed it? There, looking so close she could reach out and touch it, was one of the pyramids. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“It’s the great pyramid, the pyramid of Khufu. We are so close that is the only one you can see, but once we are in the hotel you will be able to see more.” Even though she must have seen the pyramids many times before Shax spoke in a hushed voice. “It’s stunning isn’t it? No matter how many times I see it, it still takes my breath away.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora stared. It was so much bigger than she had imagined. The car swept around the curve of the drive and pulled to a stop in front of the imposing entrance to the hotel. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Axel was already there, while the rest of their cavalcade pulled in behind them. Once everyone was out on the footpath the doorman waved them in, while at the same time waving another man across to collect their luggage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Although I have stayed in the main building before, it suits our purposes better to stay in the newer wing, which is located down the hill from here. Wait while I sign in for us all.” So saying Axel walked over to the imposing reception desk, talking easily in Arabic to the man who was waiting to serve him. Zora realized belatedly that of course Axel as a fairy would know every language there was. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">After a short time he returned to their group and waved his hand expansively to the door. They all filed out, none of them saying much. Zora could see that Sunny and Sara were swaying with exhaustion. No doubt she looked as bad as they did, she certainly felt it. Jetlag she supposed, wondering if she would be allowed to sleep for a few hours.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">They were taken to the other building in golf buggies, Zora for one glad she didn’t have to walk. The man who opened the door to her room bustled in and pulled back the curtains to the balcony doors with a flourish. Zora gasped, not even noticing Powers entering the room after her as she stared at the view of the pyramids that was revealed. The man smiled, opened the balcony door and ushered her over. Not needing a second invitation Zora walked out onto the balcony and drank in the view. The pyramids were so close that it looked like she could walk to them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You can, they are only 700 metres away from the front gate.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">She turned to Powers who had followed her onto the balcony. “They are incredible.” Shivering, she added, “But it’s very cold, let’s go back inside.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers grinned and waved her through the door. He said something to the man who was standing waiting and walked to the door with him. Zora sighed, surely she wasn’t the only one in her group who didn’t speak Arabic. Then she focused on the twin beds and lost interest in what Powers was doing. She would just lie down and test the mattress and pillows. Powers came back just as she settled down with a sigh – it felt so good to lie in a real bed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Come on Zora, up you get and go have a shower. Axel said we should sleep for five hours, and then meet up for breakfast. Go shower, I promise you will feel better if you do.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Groaning, Zora allowed herself to be pulled to her feet. She rummaged in her bag for pyjamas and headed to the bathroom. She did it all on automatic pilot, not noticing anything about her surroundings. Back in the main room she accepted the bottle of water Powers handed her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Remember to always drink bottled water while we are here Zora, you can’t drink the tap water or you’ll get Pharaoh’s Revenge.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Is that the Egyptian version of Bali Belly?” Zora opened the bottle and drank, realizing as she did that she was very thirsty.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Exactly, so always carry a bottle of water with you. Now you can sleep, I’ll wake you in five hours.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora lay back in her bed. “How come you don’t look tired, is that some sort of shifter thing?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers laughed. “No, I’m tired. Maybe not as tired as you but I need to sleep. Five hours is all any of us will need, we will recover from the jetlag much faster than ordinary people. You may have a few days of odd waking times, but you will adjust fast.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora mumbled something, she was already almost asleep. Smiling, Powers leaned down and brushed her hair from her forehead. It was such a fiery red that the strands seemed to glow as they clung to his fingers. He sighed, his feelings for this woman were enhanced by the bond, he knew, but still he felt a tenderness that he was sure would not be approved of by Axel if he knew.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">As promised Powers woke Zora exactly five hours later. “Come on, time to go and meet Axel. You can have a nice big pot of tea. Come on Zora, wake up.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora groaned and hugged her pillow, it was too early to wake up wasn’t it? As awareness began to clear her mind she looked around, momentarily puzzled about her surroundings, but after a few moments of confusion everything clicked into place. Sitting up, she focused on Powers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Did you say tea?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers grinned. “Yes, we are to meet Axel in the main dining room where we will have lunch and discuss our first move.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“I like the first part, the second part not so much.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Grinning again Powers pulled back the bedcovers. “That’s our life, good and bad in the same sentence.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora screwed up her face at him, grabbed the water bottle and took a drink before standing and stretching. “I just need to change and I’m ready to go. I’m starving!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">They headed down to the foyer of the building together, meeting Shax, Sunny, Sara and Joe there. Neither Frenchie nor Sabrina were in evidence, it having been decided that they should stay in the rooms. Zora was sure animals were not normally allowed at all so Axel must have done some fairy hocus pocus. She looked outside, wondering if they should give the familiars some exercise later on. Now that she was more aware of her surroundings she was curious to see the grounds, but of course now was not the right time for that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Would you like to walk to the main building, or get a ride on a buggy?” Powers raised his eyebrows at them as a group.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“I’d like to walk, I need to stretch my legs.” Sara looked at Zora. “If that’s ok with you Zora?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora smiled and agreed while the rest of their small group nodded and smiled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Ok, walk it is. Let’s go guys.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers took the lead and the rest of them followed him out the door and up the path. Zora gazed around her at the well-kept grounds. It looked like any upmarket hotel, except for the pyramids in the background reminding her that they were in Egypt. This close she could even see the doorway into the massive structure, and the people going in and out. She couldn’t help a thrill of excitement – she was in Egypt, walking in the shadow of the pyramids! How quickly a life could change. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Over lunch talk stayed casual, with Shax and Axel fielding the excited questions and comments about the pyramids. Zora tried and failed to damp down a buzz of excitement, it seemed inappropriate when their task here was so serious. Wondering how her companions felt she looked around at them: the five fairy guard as always alert and watching their surroundings, Shax looking nothing like a witch and everything like a harassed tour guide, Axel the fairy prince also looking faintly harassed, Sara who was the other Defender and Joe her Guardian who were both staring at the pyramid in awe and not appearing to listen to a word, Marcus the vampire looking tired and irritable, Sunny her friend and apparently also a witch sitting beside him and trying to persuade him to smile, Jake the werewolf (but a good one), and lastly Powers. Zora sighed as she turned her gaze to him. Powers, her erstwhile work colleague who she had always preferred to ignore, and who now was unveiled as Guardian to her Defender. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Sensing her gaze he turned his head and smiled at her, a smile that sent tingles right through her body. Cross, and wondering how she could control this unwanted and bond stimulated attraction, she turned her head away, staring instead at the great pyramid that dominated the scene through the dining room windows. The people going inside it looked like ants in comparison, which made her wonder about the size of the blocks that made up the structure. Hearing her name Zora tuned back into the conversation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Little Zora? Is that ok with you?” Axel was watching her with one eyebrow raised, as he waited for her response.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Sorry Axel, what did you say?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“I was saying, I think we should rest for today, and begin our search tomorrow. We know the concert is not for a few days, so I think we would all be better able to begin our search refreshed.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora nodded in agreement. “I still feel strange Axel, I guess it’s the effects of the jetlag.” She glanced at Jake as she said that and was unsurprised to see his lips thin in annoyance. He didn’t think she was good enough to be the Defender for this quest. He had been quite upfront with his criticism just before they left, and as a result was almost not allowed to come. Axel wanted them all to be united against this threat, a sentiment with which Zora wholeheartedly concurred. The problem was that she felt Jake had a case, and she may not be enough to defeat this rogue werewolf. Dismissing the werewolf from her mind – she probably would never be good enough for Jake until she defeated the rogue – she focused her attention on Axel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">He was watching Sara who was still staring at the Great Pyramid and who clearly had not heard a word of the conversation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Sara?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Sara swung her gaze to Axel, blushing as she realized she had not been listening to him. “Axel, I’m sorry, I was so distracted.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora fought a brief internal war before flicking her gaze to Jake. He was smiling indulgently at Sara and Zora began to steam. It was ok for Sara to zone out but not her, that seemed so unfair. Pushing down her resentment she resolved, again, to forget about Jake.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Sara, I was just saying that I think we should all use this afternoon to rest and acclimate. We will start our search tomorrow. This will also give the fairies who reside in Cairo time to do some digging for me. So, I was thinking, perhaps we should all go to the pyramids and take a look around before the concert. What say you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Registering the old fashioned way of speaking Zora realized for the first time that Axel spoke contemporary English, even though he as the fairy prince was several hundred years old. She supposed that speech patterns changed easily with the times when you lived that long and wondered if the little slip meant that Axel too was feeling the effects of the long journey.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Sara, meanwhile, had begun to glow, her eyes shining with excitement. “Really? We can go today?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora felt the same excitement, it was impossible not to thrill at the prospect of visiting the structures that were so close. She looked at Sunny and was not surprised to see her jumping up and down in her seat. Friendly, smiling and easy going, Sunny was the closest thing to a human labrador she had ever seen. It astonished Zora that someone as transparent as Sunny had been able to keep secret her identity as a witch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Axel was smiling at Sara. “Yes Sara, I think it would be good for those of you who have not been to walk around the area. It may be vital during the concert that you all know where you are going.” His smile became a grin. “Besides, it’s the pyramids, older even than me. I could not deprive you of the chance to be a tourist when we are so close.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Sara squealed with excitement, the mood of the entire table becoming lighter. They were all relieved to postpone the grim nature of their quest Zora supposed. She wondered if the fairy guard considered them frivolous, but when she looked they were all smiling. Perhaps they too wished to be tourists. Did fairies like being tourists? Were they ever? She sighed at all the gaps in her education about this supernatural community in which she still felt like an imposter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Lunch broke up after that, everyone keen to get to the pyramids. Axel told them to go and get ready, and when asked agreed that the familiars could also come. Zora briefly wondered about how that would be possible, but then remembered that even though he was over six foot tall and impressively muscular, Axel was a fairy and well able to deal with minor logistical issues. She hurried with the others back to their rooms to change into more suitable clothes. Even though it was afternoon it was still chilly, much colder than winter in Mackay, and she was feeling the need for a heavier coat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Back at their room she forgot even her discomfort at sharing with Powers – an edict issued by Axel so that she was protected at all times – as she hurried to get ready. Knowing that Joe and Sara were also sharing did help her to put that into perspective, although they did not seem to have any problem with an unwanted attraction. Perhaps that meant that over time she would be able to control the way her heart sped up whenever he was close, or the disturbing thoughts that she was constantly suppressing these days.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">She grabbed her phone, the only camera she had thought to bring, and slipped it into her bag. Powers was sitting in a chair, waiting patiently. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“I didn’t know you owned any sensible shoes.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora looked down at her feet, clad in pale blue trainers instead of her preferred stilettos. “Of course I do, I’m not a complete idiot.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Standing, Powers frowned slightly. “I never said you were, just that you usually wear stilettos. I like them actually, but they aren’t suitable for tramping around the pyramids.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“You don’t say Captain Obvious.” Stomping to the door Zora wondered at her bad luck in getting Powers as a Guardian. That fact that he irritated her so much (conveniently forgetting here how much she had leaned on him for support in the preceding days) proved to her the attraction she felt was only due to the bond. She made a mental note to ask Axel about that, and then pushed thoughts of Powers away. She was about to see the pyramids, she was going to touch thousands of years old blocks, absorb the history, and forget about the annoying man of the present.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-70897969650193333432016-03-07T11:45:00.001+10:002016-03-07T11:45:15.367+10:00New story - Zora's Light<span style="font-size: large;">Good morning/afternoon/evening. How was your week? I've been busy working on three separate projects, two fiction and one non-fiction. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">As I said last week, Cassie's Story is finished, the book that is. The book on Saffron is next, and Cassie will be in that, so her story continues. I'll keep you updated on Cassie, as the book progresses towards publication. Right now I'm working on the cover. Here is the rough idea for the cover: </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">This week I'm beginning a serialisation of Zora's Light. This is book 2 in the Defender series, which is a fantasy series - complete with vampires, witches, shifters, werewolves, fairies, and Zora - who is none of those. If you want to read the first book in the story the link is here:</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Zoras-Dawn-Defender-Book-1-ebook/dp/B00Y6MODL0">Zora's Dawn</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">However, I think you will be able to follow most of the story by reading the posts here each Monday. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Here is the first part of Zora's Light:</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora was woken from restless sleep, fractured by visions of baleful yellow eyes, to a hand on her shoulder and a voice in her ear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Zora, Zora wake up. The plane has landed and it’s time to get off.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">She stared uncomprehendingly into Powers face, her mind still asleep. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Axel has a hotel ready for us, and we will be taken there as soon as we clear customs.” Powers stared into her sleepy eyes. “Zora? Are you awake now?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora flexed stiff muscles and rotated her head to release the tension in her neck. Looking out the window she saw the tarmac, a multitude of runway lights and the dull beige of the desert. Covering her mouth with her hand she yawned, before looking back at Powers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“What time is it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">He glanced at his watch. “Just gone 5.00 am, remember they are eight hours behind us here. Did you get your coat ready? It may be summer in Australia but here it’s winter, northern hemisphere and all that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Coming more awake by the second she narrowed her eyes at him. “I’m not a total idiot Powers, I do know that and yes I have a coat and even a scarf.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Powers smiled at her, a smile that caused a frisson of warmth in the pit of her belly. She shook it off, it was just the effects of the fairy spell that bonded them, it wasn’t real. And besides, as her Guardian she was sure that Powers was off limits in any other way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">She looked out the window again. “I can’t see the pyramids, will we see them on the way?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Oh, I think you will little Zora.” Axel had come up behind her seat. “Come now, let’s get the red tape out of the way so we can get to the hotel.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Doesn’t your mother maintain a home in Cairo, Axel?” They had stayed at a royal residence at all of their stops in Australia so Zora felt it was a reasonable question.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“She does indeed little Zora, but it is not close to the pyramids and I believe that we need to be in the same area.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora’s curiosity was piqued. Even though this quest they were on was dangerous and – for her at any rate – downright terrifying, the pyramids were something she had always wanted to see. She looked out the window again. Apart from the desert they could be in any airport in the world and she was a little disappointed. Although perhaps if she had been awake she would have seen Cairo from the air, and would now be feeling like she was really in another country. Right now she felt that they could be anywhere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she reached for her coat and bag. Axel and Powers had continued walking down the aisle so she moved up a few seats and joined Sunny and Shax. Shax was looking cool and collected, fair enough since she had been living in Egypt for quite some time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Frenchie the French bulldog, her familiar, snuffled at her feet. Sunny was bending down to peer through the window while her familiar, the pure white cat Sabrina, perched on her back. Sabrina looked a bit irritated, also fair enough Zora thought. Sabrina had been brought to Australia by Shax and had claimed Sunny as her person. Perhaps she didn’t wish to come back to Egypt, or maybe she was just unimpressed with her perch on Sunny’s back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Do Frenchie and Sabrina need to be quarantined or something?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Shax snorted. “Nah, they’ll let them in ok. And if they say not Axel can make it happen.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora supposed that was right, since Axel was a fairy he could probably make almost anything happen. Not for the first time she wondered why the fairies didn’t just take care of the rogue werewolves themselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Customs and immigration finished with, they exited the terminal to a chilly winter morning. Zora sniffed the air, smelling dust, exhaust fumes, smoke and an indefinable something that marked this as a foreign land.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“All countries have their own unique smell little Zora. It’s a scent of history really, as it is the result of centuries of layers of smells.” Axel was smiling at her, his expression serene.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“I don’t think the exhaust fumes I’m smelling are the result of centuries of layers.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“No little Zora, but close your eyes and pay close attention. What else do you smell?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Zora obediently closed her eyes. “Sweat, dust, oil – not cooking oil but some scent I don’t recognize, and spices.” She opened her eyes and looked expectantly at Axel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Yes little Zora, you can smell the fragranced oil and the spices that have been used in this country through the ages. They leave a signature that contributes to the overall scent. Over time you will be able to distinguish even more scents, it is a valuable skill.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Axel clapped his hands to get everyone’s attention. “The cars are just over this way, follow me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">They all followed, Zora thinking that they must surely look like a tour group with Axel as their tour guide. She smiled to herself – in a way that was exactly what they were.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The press of people at the entrance doors thinned as they walked to the cars. Zora had heard a multitude of languages as they walked through the airport – German, English, French, Japanese and some guttural language she wasn’t sure of but thought was maybe Russian. Floating over the top of the tourist voices was the lyrical rise and fall of Arabic. Finally, Zora felt like she was in a foreign country.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">That feeling was compounded on the drive to the hotel. There wasn’t much traffic at this early hour for which she was thankful. She remembered Shax saying that her terrifying brand of driving was simply the result of having to drive like a local in Egypt, so Zora was not looking forward to the experience of driving on busy roads.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">She looked out the window as they drove, seeing tall date palms lining the side of the road while the traffic seemed to be mostly trucks covered in fairy lights, and other trucks painted in bright and complex patterns. There were a few cars even at this early hour - ancient vehicles that would be taken off the road in Australia, driving next to brand new cars. Once she saw a donkey pulling a cart loaded with fruit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Graceful buildings could be glimpsed behind the date palms. As they drove closer to the city these gave way to apartment buildings that looked ready to fall down. Every vehicle on the road seemed to communicate by blowing the horn, little beeps and long honks which she imagined was some sort of code for polite and irritated. Zora could only imagine what it must sound like when the roads were busy. Their driver exhibited a cheerful disregard for line markings, making Zora again thankful for the light traffic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The tarmac gave way to dirt, smaller buildings lined the road, and convenience stores appeared, each one carrying what seemed to Zora’s tired eyes to be hundreds of bottles of water out front. She saw small cafes with tables and chairs on the dusty footpath; even at this hour men sat drinking tea. Zora wondered if they were up early or if they had not yet gone to bed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Finally they turned into the hotel entrance. Their car was stopped by an armed guard, and Shax explained airily that every hotel in Egypt had security guards at the entrance. Once through the gate the driveway opened up to a grand looking hotel. Zora was so focused on this building that looked more like a palace, that she resisted Sunny’s pull on her sleeve.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">“Zora, Zora! Look!”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-5311059967722177762016-02-29T16:50:00.002+10:002016-02-29T16:54:01.735+10:00Cassie's Story - Letters To Myself<span style="font-size: large;">Here's Cassie - it's a bit of a soppy one today. </span><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Barney came barreling around the corner of the house and skidded to a stop beside me. He planted his haunches on the ground and stared up at me, eyes shining happily and tongue lolling. He exuded joy. I looked at his happy face, momentarily wishing I was him. Life is so simple when you’re a dog.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Let me guess, Matt is in the back yard? Let’s go see him.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Barney jumped up as I started walking towards the back of the house, and raced off ahead of me. I came around the corner just in time to see him run to Matt, who was leaning over the garden bed in the back corner. That Matt hadn’t heard my knock on the door was obvious. That he didn’t know Barney was behind him was equally obvious, since he stepped back, straight onto Barney’s foot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Barney yelped, and Matt did an awkward little hop-skip dance as he tried to avoid Barney and keep his footing. He failed, and fell onto his backside. Barney rushed forward to see if he was ok (presumably anyway) and knocked him onto his back. Matt ended up lying in the garden bed, missing the night scented jasmine by centimetres but landing dead centre on another plant. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh dear.” I hurried forward, while Barney took the opportunity to lick Matt thoroughly on the face.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Are you ok?” Reaching him I bent down to offer him a hand up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie! Hi, I didn’t know you were here, sorry.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“No problem, you were a bit busy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt accepted my hand and clambered to his feet, rubbing his backside with his other hand. Barney was distracted by the crushed plant, and after sniffing it with interest, started to dig it up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Barney!” We both reacted, me stepping onto the garden to save the plant – which was probably beyond redemption anyway – and Matt reaching for Barney’s collar. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">After a brief scuffle Barney was successfully distracted by a stick, which Matt threw into the other corner of the garden. We surveyed the damaged plant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“It’s so crushed I don’t know what it is.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“It’s a cuphea, a small one I bought last weekend. I thought it would add a bit of colour in this space.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“It might come back, if you replant it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt turned to look at me. “Yes, it’s damaged now, but with the right care it will grow and bloom.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I met his serious gaze, and felt something shift. “We’re not talking about the plant now are we?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He smiled, a rueful upturn of his mouth. “You know, in my fantasies you swoon into my arms when I say something profound.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well you’re none too steady on your feet you know.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">His smile became fuller. “A good point. Ok, give me a minute while I replant this little bush. What did you come around for anyway?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I watched him carefully stand the little plant upright, scooping earth around it and patting it gently into place. Remembering my rose I looked around, and saw it lying on the ground near the corner of the house. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Just a sec, I forgot something.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt glanced up at me. “Ok, I’ll be here.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I ran over to the rose, my mind replaying our conversation. Matt hadn’t referred to the marriage proposal, hadn’t said anything about the conversation. Was he now regretting it? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Picking up the rose I stopped my thoughts before they could get on the well-worn track of uncertainty I had been travelling for so long. This was the first day of the rest of our lives, and I wasn’t going to allow anything to stop me from getting it right. Not even, or most particularly, myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I ran back to Matt, who was adding some mulch to the soil around the bush. He stood up as I got there, and we both looked at the replanted bush.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“It looks better.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I glanced sideways at Matt, he seemed serious. I looked back at the plant. It was upright now which was an improvement. But it was still crushed, bits of branches hanging like broken bird wings. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Maybe you should trim those branches?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yes, you’re right. Poor little plant, it didn’t have much to begin with.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I watched as he dug around in the disturbed soil close to the night scented jasmine, astonished when he came up with a pair of secateurs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You leave your secateurs lying in the garden in case of Barney damage?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“What? Oh, no, I brought them out here because I was going to cut some of this.” He waved his hand at the jasmine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh I see.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I watched him carefully trim the broken branches, and when he had finished had to admit that it did look better. Damaged for sure, but possibly able to recover.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM8QVEWfv_EMm5fC9fDlXN__17l9jKhyphenhyphenYkP1yZStL9hv9LyU4Oh1osU5HhOGmbaq3baYVSzgUC3OliiL2SJYe4kYOvtm8DJrEQqBYmzFi9uYjVtkw2d6sVg4_SmUl0B9-brDQTt_o_u6Vx/s1600/Cuphea-White.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM8QVEWfv_EMm5fC9fDlXN__17l9jKhyphenhyphenYkP1yZStL9hv9LyU4Oh1osU5HhOGmbaq3baYVSzgUC3OliiL2SJYe4kYOvtm8DJrEQqBYmzFi9uYjVtkw2d6sVg4_SmUl0B9-brDQTt_o_u6Vx/s320/Cuphea-White.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Right, let’s go inside and get a coffee, and you can tell me why you’re here.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I followed him inside, passing Barney who was lying on his dog bed, sound asleep. He must have had a big morning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Inside Matt disappeared to wash his hands, so I put the coffee maker on and dug around in his fridge. I had given him some vanilla slice not long ago and thought there may be some left. Finding it I pulled the container from the fridge. As did so I saw a bottle of champagne, an expensive bottle which was something that Matt didn’t normally buy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“What’s this?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I shut the door and turned to see Matt holding the rose I had placed on the table. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My face burning, I put the container down on the counter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“That’s not quite how I planned it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I know the feeling.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh Matt, why do you put up with me?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He came towards me. “Because you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re brave. You light up the room just by being in it. You make me smile, you make me cry. You make me feel alive. When I’m with you I feel like I have everything I need, you’re everything I need. You’ve been through so much and you didn’t let it defeat you. You’re sassy, you’re caring, and you’re kind. You’re sweet and cute and beautiful. I look into your eyes and I see the universe, because you are my universe. Because I love you Cassie.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I stared at him, speechless. Nobody had ever said such things to me, nobody had ever made me feel…whatever it was I was feeling now. Whatever it was, it was good, it was wonderful. It was love.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I think I’ll swoon in your arms now, if that’s ok with you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He opened his arms wide and I walked into them, into a sweet, loving kiss that promised everything. I kissed him back, my arms wrapped tight around him. I never wanted to let him go. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Eventually we came up for air. Matt touched my cheek with the tip of his finger. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“So, the rose?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Ah, yes, the rose.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I pulled free and went to the table to pick it up. Turning to face Matt I presented it to him with a flourish – ignoring the slight droop to its petals.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“This rose is for you. It is, as you can see, deep red, the colour of love. It’s in full bloom – like my love for you.” These weren’t the words I had planned, but I wanted to show Matt that his feelings were reciprocated, so I was improvising. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Matt, I’m so sorry I reacted the way I did to your marriage proposal. I didn’t understand, I thought you were offering to marry me only to protect me. I got it wrong and I’m sorry.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You did kind of ruin the moment, but perhaps I should have been more careful in my choice of words.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m sorry.” I took a deep breath, wondering how to do this next bit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“So anyway, it’s a leap year this year. So the woman is supposed to do the proposing.” God that sounded wrong, wrong, wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I hesitated, Matt’s expression was a mixture of amusement and bemusement. Ok, he deserved some sort of grand gesture.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I sank to one knee, took his hand, kissed it. Or was that something you did to the pope? Come on Cassie, get on with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Matt Burnett, will you marry me?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I looked up at him. He looked ready to laugh, which was not the effect I was after. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie, oh my girl you always surprise me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Then he did laugh, a soft chuckle. Pulling me up by the hand still holding his, he wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on the top of my head. His shoulders were shaking. He was still laughing!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I was indignant. I had just proposed and he was laughing! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Happy I could entertain you,” I muttered into his shoulder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt leaned back, and tilted my face up to his.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I was laughing at us Cassie. What a pair we are! We trip and stumble our way through this relationship. Nothing works out the way we plan it. I propose, you run away. You plan a proposal and by the time I get it – due to dogs and plants – the rose you present me is wilted and the setting probably not what you had envisioned.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, when you put it like that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“And, Cassie, I was in the garden to cut some of the jasmine so I could bring it inside for tonight. I was going to invite you over, and propose to you properly. I even bought champagne.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You were that sure of me. Humph.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I figured if you said no I could console myself with some excellent bubbly.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You were going to propose tonight?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He nodded. “Properly, the way you deserve. Yes, I want to marry you to protect you. But more than that I want to marry you because I love you, and I can’t imagine my life without you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“So I guess this means you accept my proposal.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“And I guess this means you accept mine.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“So, who proposed to whom? Which one of us did the asking?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt laughed again. “Both of us Cassie. We are equal, just as we are equal in everything. Our relationship - our marriage - is a partnership.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I grinned, that lightness seeping into me. No, not lightness, happiness. Happiness was seeping into me, permeating every corner of my mind. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“So we’re getting married?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Looks like it. Guess I can open the champagne now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He handed me the rose. “Maybe we should put this poor thing in some water.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I took it, and went to find a vase while Matt got the champagne. Putting the vase on the table I watched him open the bottle.<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Should we be drinking this early?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">"Did we or did we not just get engaged?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh my, engaged. “We just got engaged.” Was that breathy little voice mine?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The cork came out of the bottle with a satisfying pop. Matt got two glasses from the bench beside the fridge and poured. I watched the golden, bubbly liquid fill the glasses. We were engaged, it seemed unreal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Are we doing this too fast?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt slanted me a narrow eyed look. “You’re kidding, right? This has to be the longest, most convoluted courtship in history.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Courtship? You were courting me?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He sighed, came over to me and handed me my glass.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I was courting you, wondering when you were ever going to notice.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m so glad you were so patient with me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie, I would have waited for you until the end of time.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Who knew Matt could be poetic? Or that I would like it? He held his glass up, and I clinked mine to his. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cheers Cassie, my fiancé.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Here’s to you Matt, my fiancé.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With those prosaic words we drank to our future. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“This is excellent champagne!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt muttered something about so it should be, but quietly enough that I couldn’t be sure that was what he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh! One more thing. Wait here.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I stood uncertainly, watching as he disappeared from the kitchen. What else could there be? While I waited I drank some more of the champagne, which seemed to be going straight to my head. Or maybe it was the fact that I was now engaged that was making my head swim.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt came back into the room, an expression on his face that I could only interpret as bashful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hold out your hand.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I held out my hand, the left hand since I was holding the glass in my right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Perfect.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I watched in complete bemusement as Matt slid a ring I recognized onto my ring finger. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Is that...”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“The ring you admired in the antique store we looked at six months ago? Yes.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You bought the ring?” Well duh, here it was sparkling on my finger.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I did, I went back the next day and bought it. I’ve been waiting ever since for the right moment to give it to you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I stared at the ring. It was an antique ring, an oval emerald with seed pearls and diamonds set at intervals around the edge of the setting. The ring itself was gold, with intricate carved swirls that curved around the setting. I had fallen in love with it at the time, but never expected that it would ever be mine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie, I didn’t know if I should give it to you as an engagement ring or as a gift. I don’t want you to feel I’m taking control of your life. I mean an engagement ring is a big thing. Maybe we should select it together. If you would rather do that, this ring can be my engagement gift to you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I looked at the ring, then at his anxious face. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Matt, the very fact that you thought about this makes it unnecessary. If we were going to buy an engagement ring, this would be the one I would choose. So why go to buy something I wouldn’t like as much just to make a point?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I admired the ring again, and the thoughtfulness and caring it represented. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“This ring is perfect, and I couldn’t choose anything better. Thank you, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I put down my glass and flung my arms around his neck. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I believe this is the part where you sweep me off my feet.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt obliged, picking me up and carrying me out of the kitchen, putting his glass on the table on the way past. He carried me into the bedroom, sitting on the bed with me on his lap.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“What, am I too heavy for you? Did you hurt yourself?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“No, it’s just my backside. I think I landed on a stone or something. It hurt to sit down. Never mind, it’s fine now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I wriggled around on his lap, intending to kiss him senseless.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Ow!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I tried, and failed, to stifle a laugh.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, my future wife thinks my pain is funny!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m sorry, it’s just look at us! Here we are celebrating our engagement and you can’t even sit without pain!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt chuckled. “We’ve lurched from one semi disaster to another haven’t we? But here we are, together.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I sobered. “Together, and it feels like the best thing in the world.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I kissed him, deeply and thoroughly, until he took control of the kiss, and I believe he felt no more pain after that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyGHqGOiR3p00K4mUIeBtTSbEnZYqeuxciteXzhYCEPMPgYjj3_GE5IntkK1AUPVgAFxRI5dr_u0LRaBDzS_Rl4Aapwyohruz0h4ClVew7wFAZ-KRaAcPc8ow0_NZ0jCN29h0oK33houU9/s1600/antique-emerald-ring.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyGHqGOiR3p00K4mUIeBtTSbEnZYqeuxciteXzhYCEPMPgYjj3_GE5IntkK1AUPVgAFxRI5dr_u0LRaBDzS_Rl4Aapwyohruz0h4ClVew7wFAZ-KRaAcPc8ow0_NZ0jCN29h0oK33houU9/s320/antique-emerald-ring.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
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This is the end of Cassie's story, I hope you all enjoyed it. My next job is to turn it into a novella and publish it. I'll let you know how it's going as I work through the process.</div>
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It's not the end of Cassie though, the next book in this series is Saffron's story, which I will be working on soon.</div>
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Here, next week, I will be posting another serial, so come back next Monday for a new story.</div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-55041424071118699742016-02-24T14:49:00.001+10:002016-02-29T17:08:25.760+10:00Cassie's Story - Letters To Myself<span style="font-size: large;">Not as bad as last week, but still late. And it's getting to the end of the story too! But not this week. When this story is ended I'll be starting another one. So if you are enjoying reading in this way, you will still be able to do so. But more on that when I get to the end of this book - and that's not today. Here's Cassie, still floundering through life...</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRzq8dMF2quqRT5Cyo7-_qIrENSq8U7-6vGYxSNsdGoiL1IU6h884AhTA4OpqAZA-irNRxAnjdQSxspeVshvtVUHIR-qJfHXn8nTbq-6Jv11ASUtVqgKQQTfuT49dWP32_Th56jC__rIBL/s1600/LettersToMyself_eBookCover_FOR-UPLOAD.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRzq8dMF2quqRT5Cyo7-_qIrENSq8U7-6vGYxSNsdGoiL1IU6h884AhTA4OpqAZA-irNRxAnjdQSxspeVshvtVUHIR-qJfHXn8nTbq-6Jv11ASUtVqgKQQTfuT49dWP32_Th56jC__rIBL/s320/LettersToMyself_eBookCover_FOR-UPLOAD.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I sat, feeling numb. Had Matt just proposed? And if he had, was it a marriage proposal or the proposal of a solution to my problem?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Did you just say ‘marry me’?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt put down his knife and lifted his eyes to mine. His expression was intent, serious. I couldn’t read anything else in his face. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie, I know what Nathan did to you, I still have nightmares about what he might have done if I had not come along. It doesn’t matter that you will stand up to him, although it’s great that you can. But Cassie, Nathan is much stronger than you. If he decides to force you to have sex with him, you won’t be able to stop him.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You mean he could rape me if he chose.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt gave me his steady policeman stare. I couldn’t deny it, and I wasn’t going to try. After all, Nathan had done things during our marriage that were technically rape (the source of many of my nightmares). And the only reason he didn’t succeed after the marriage ended was sitting at my table drinking terrible coffee.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> “Ok, you’re right, he could. I’m hoping that standing up to him just now will solve the problem.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You mean because you didn’t give in to him, he will give up?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ve never been so firm with him before, not even the last time on New Year’s Eve. He hasn’t contacted me since. I was surprised to see him here this morning actually.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“He’s got some sort of radar where you’re concerned Cassie. What did he want?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I shrugged. “I don’t know. I told him to call me about it at another time, so he didn’t say.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“And you think he will be different now?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I met his steady gaze. “He left, and he didn’t do anything to me, he didn’t even touch me.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“That’s because he saw me coming Cassie. He may still have gone, you may be right. But what if he didn’t?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I sagged in my seat. I should have realized that of course Nathan would see Matt coming. I should have known that it was not just my defiance - my hard won emotional strength - that had sent him away.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt leaned forward and took my hands. I looked up at his face, at the earnest expression in his eyes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie, Nathan won’t go up against me. He’s a bully at heart. He knows he can physically overwhelm you, but he can’t do the same to me. I can protect you.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“So you want to marry me so you can protect me?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“As my wife, you come under my protection officially. I believe that Nathan will leave you alone then. You will be safe from future hassle from him, safe from any threat he may represent.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I see.” I looked at my watch. “I have to go get Mark now. You know the way out, I’ll see you later.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie?</span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">” Matt sounded confused. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I felt more confused. I jumped up from the table, searching for my bag and a brush. I flicked a glance at Matt, unsure how to react, how to behave.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ll think about what you said Matt. I can see the merit to your suggestion, but I do think it’s a drastic step just to protect me. I don’t think Nathan is such a big threat that you need to upend your life just to ensure he doesn’t do anything to me. I’m not sure it would work anyway. What if it made him angry instead?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt stared at me, a frown creasing his brow and a puzzled tilt to his mouth. A small part of me thought it was adorable, but the rest of me was confused and a little bit hurt. Well, a lot hurt. And a lot confused. I threw a wave at Matt and bolted from the house, forcing my mind to focus on the drive to collect Mark and not on the preceding conversation. Or the whole morning. I didn’t know what to think, about any of it. So I did what I do best, and didn’t think at all.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You did what?! Matt did what?! He PROPOSED???? Oh my dear!” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Saffron jumped up from her seat and rushed around to me, enveloping me in what had to be the tightest death by cleavage hug I had ever received from her. Not the reaction I was looking for when I called her over for an emergency bestie coffee.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I concentrated on breathing until she let go her death grip and reached for my left hand.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“No ring? You’re going to buy it together?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Saffie.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">At my tone she studied my face with narrowed eyes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Don’t tell me you told him ‘no’. Don’t make me slap you.” My eyes popped wide at her words, and she hurried to add, “Of course I wouldn’t really slap you. But I’d want to.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She went and sat back in her seat, fixing me with a penetrating stare equally as effective as Matt’s. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I sighed. “I didn’t say ‘no’.” I held up my hand as I saw her eyes light up. “I didn’t say ‘yes’ either.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Saffron narrowed her eyes even further. She took a swallow of her coffee, tapped her fingers on the table top and studied my face.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Let me get this straight. You had a misunderstanding last night but it was sorted. You finally, finally, finally got together and rompypomp ensued.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I suppressed a smile at her word choice, a word that she had assured me on a number of occasions did exist and did mean what I thought it meant. She stared at me suspiciously for a second before continuing, “You slept over – probably not much sleeping.” I blushed. “You came home to get ready to collect Mark and Matt was coming in a short while with breakfast. Right so far?” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I nodded, so she continued, “When you got home Nathan was waiting for you and you argued and you stood up to him and told him to leave.” She bounced up and down in her chair. “I’m so proud of you for that! So, Nathan left, Matt arrived, possibly both simultaneously or near enough. Matt proposed and you bolted from the house?! What is wrong with you!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“It was the way he said it. Like he thought we should marry so he could protect me from Nathan. He didn’t talk about feelings, or anything like that.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You wanted a romantic proposal?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I wasn’t expecting a proposal at all. We’d only just taken our relationship a step further. And he didn’t talk about, about, you know, about feelings. He just talked about me needing protection from Nathan.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Saffron drank some more coffee, did some more finger tapping. “I am sure that was at the top of his mind. He had come down the path to see Nathan leave and you collapse onto the ground. That’s what he saw isn’t it?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I played the scene back in my mind. “Yes, I guess so.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“So he sees you crumpled to the ground, and of course he wants to protect you. He could have just suggested he move in with you, or that you get a restraining order against Nathan. He suggested marriage. Marriage, Cassie. It has to have been on his mind.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I stared at her, I hadn’t thought along those lines. Saffron tut-tutted. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I swear Cassie, sometimes you can be so dense. Or maybe it’s that self-destructive bent that you haven’t quite overcome. So ok, Matt could have worded it better. But, did you ever think that maybe he’s been waiting to propose to you for months? That he’s been waiting for you to heal enough to reach out to him, to heal so that you can become the couple everyone else could see you already were? That maybe he was only waiting for you to be ready to take the step so he could say the words that have been burning a hole in his brain?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She was so eloquent that it was my turn to narrow my eyes in suspicion.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Has Matt been talking to you?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“No of course not! Cassie, blind Freddie could see the connection you two have, and how Matt feels about you. And how you feel about Matt. It was only you who didn’t know. And Matt, at least about your feelings for him. Believe me, it’s been the longest, most frustrating soap opera any of us has ever watched, the story of Cassie and Matt!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I felt a little miffed. “Well sorry to upset your viewing preferences!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Saffron chuckled. “Don’t be a goose. We all love you, both of you. We’ve just been waiting for you to discover that you loved each other. Well, that you love Matt.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I blinked in surprise. “You all knew I love him? How? I didn’t know until lately.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Saffron came around the table again, this time sitting in the chair next to me and putting one arm around me. “Cassie, all your friends who love you know what you’ve been through. We knew you had a lot of processing to do and a lot of healing. We waited, as Matt waited. We waited because we love you.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She tugged on the ends of my hair, using a bit of force. “But, you have been an idiot this morning. I can understand why, I’m sure Matt can too, or he will once you explain. Cassie, think about how he would be feeling at your reaction to his proposal. You didn’t accept, instead you ran away.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I face palmed myself. “I did, didn’t I? I didn’t think about it from his perspective.” I groaned. “I’m an idiot. He probably won’t want to talk to me now.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Saffron laughed. “Of course he will. But I think you have to make the first move this time.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I need to go see him.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I think so.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I jumped up, then sat back down again. Saffron anticipated my question. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ll watch Mark, not that I’ll have to do much watching mind you, with the girls here. Get yourself going and see Matt.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I panicked. “Now?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Saffron stood up and pulled me to my feet. “No time like the present.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She pulled me into a hug and then pushed me to the door. “Go, talk to him and don’t run away again! No more running away Cassie.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">No more running away. Good words. Wise words from my wise friend. I went out the door, stopped to pick a deep red rose from my garden, and set off along the path to Matt’s house. It was a leap year right? The girl can propose in a leap year. My steps faltered with my thoughts, but I kept on walking. No more running away, not from the past and not from the future. Reaching Matt’s door, I knocked.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCw7l8g2bSrFCs1AQ99dxDPJWnozoU-ndGQlocb5pdRWLPTuYJndh9grnj2uuVEufuX3BAUx9WeStY7z3gn30-sKcXpjT6dJ1069gliqqRzBm-SFeSJG4s-6ekMBA3epM2KM2FdmZqxq1j/s1600/door+knocking.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCw7l8g2bSrFCs1AQ99dxDPJWnozoU-ndGQlocb5pdRWLPTuYJndh9grnj2uuVEufuX3BAUx9WeStY7z3gn30-sKcXpjT6dJ1069gliqqRzBm-SFeSJG4s-6ekMBA3epM2KM2FdmZqxq1j/s320/door+knocking.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-65142418775811842792016-02-18T15:52:00.000+10:002016-02-18T15:52:18.328+10:00Cassie's Story - Letters To Myself<span style="font-size: large;">Did you think I'd abandoned Cassie? No, it's just been a hectic week with a lot going on in the real world. Here she is, about to face down Nathan.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLiId0qW-GWKSU6dgCl4yjTW8Kh3nucNjvx3JIdiYlwi4E0JCp_L08MCoa_EF7z3sp3IxvHDBcPDL12IXNEL2oBHs-kiArlxafRY9GLHqNSM3Fp3zhfQ4xOmYUMfOP2AYbzuu60J25sOhf/s1600/LettersToMyself_eBookCover_FOR-UPLOAD.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLiId0qW-GWKSU6dgCl4yjTW8Kh3nucNjvx3JIdiYlwi4E0JCp_L08MCoa_EF7z3sp3IxvHDBcPDL12IXNEL2oBHs-kiArlxafRY9GLHqNSM3Fp3zhfQ4xOmYUMfOP2AYbzuu60J25sOhf/s320/LettersToMyself_eBookCover_FOR-UPLOAD.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">As I approached Nathan appeared at the gate – inside the gate. I frowned, not happy that he was at my house while I was absent. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Nathan?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">At my words he swung to face me, an expression of relief chased away by a more familiar pinched look. I sighed, my happy bubble collapsing in on me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“What are you doing here so early?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Nathan glanced at his watch pointedly. “It’s after 8, hardly early.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I stopped in front of the gate, reluctant to go through to where Nathan was standing. Aware that my hesitation was giving him power, I firmed my resolve and reached out to open the gate, but my hand froze on the latch as he began his interrogation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you for ages. Why did you go out without the dogs?” His eyes narrowed as he took in my appearance and no doubt bedhead hair. “Are you wearing last night’s clothes?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I hesitated a beat too long, fighting an internal war against learned behaviour (submit, say nothing, accept the punishment) and my resolve to break all control Nathan still had over me. He pounced.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You’ve been at that policeman’s house haven’t you? While our son lies sleeping in this house you’ve been off playing doctor with the copper.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">His words dripped contempt, each syllable burning like acid through my resolve. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I knew you’d be gagging for it, it’s been a long time hasn’t it Cassie? I bet the copper couldn’t satisfy you the way I can, he doesn’t know you the way I do, he doesn’t know what a bad, dirty girl you are.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I sagged, his words driving a blade into my deepest fears, ripping off the scab and allowing them to come bubbling up. My happiness and confidence vanished, destroyed in one short paragraph uttered with the scorn and painful accuracy that only Nathan could wield.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Did you even think of Mark? Or were you too eager for a tumble with the copper?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Mark’s at a friend’s house for a sleepover.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Well of course he is, how convenient for you. I expect you planned it didn’t you? Your true colours are showing Cassie. It took you long enough, but here you are, a dirty little girl who was so desperate for sex that she seduced the local copper.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He words were wrong, but there was enough truth in them to make me question myself. I had planned last night, I had hoped for the result, I did want Matt. Was I just the dirty girl Nathan said I was? It had been my fear all along that I stayed with Nathan for so long because secretly I enjoyed the debasement. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Well if Mark is away how about we go inside and I remind you of what it’s like to have someone who knows how to push your buttons? I bet you’re not satisfied, the policeman wouldn’t know how to satisfy someone like you Cassie, but I do.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I watched my hand begin to lift the latch, but it stopped as I thought about what he had just said – <i>someone who knows how to push my buttons.</i> That was what Nathan was doing right now, pushing my buttons. And I, weak fool that I still was, had almost given in without a fight. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I lifted my head, looked him straight in the eye. “I don’t think so Nathan.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Come on Cassie, those are just words, you don’t have to pretend with me, I know you too well.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I shook my head, resolve stiffening my spine. I stood taller. “No you don’t Nathan, you don’t know me at all. You know the person you wanted me to be, and I was weak and allowed myself to be manipulated by you. But that’s not me, that has never been me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Of course it’s you. We were married for a long time Cassie, I know you better than anyone, and you know me. Nobody makes me feel the way you do, you’re like a drug.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I shook my head again. “No, you don’t know me, you made me into someone I wasn’t and I allowed it. But I’m not that person any more Nathan, and I’m never going to be her again.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Nathan opened his mouth but I held up my hand in the universal stop sign, something I had never done with him before. “No Nathan, I’m not that Cassie, and what’s more I didn’t know you. I deluded myself that I did, I deluded myself that what we had was love but it wasn’t.” I looked at him again, my hand still on the latch. “What we had was a lot of things but it wasn’t love. And I’m not going back to it Nathan.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Nathan was staring at me in shock. I had never stood up to him like this. I continued – in for a penny, in for a pound as they say, “Yes I was with Matt last night but you know what? It’s none of your business. Not any more.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I opened the latch, pushed open the gate and stood back. My heart was beating so fast I thought I might faint as I removed the flimsy physical barrier. “I think you should go Nathan. Whatever you needed to talk to me about can wait, and next time call me first.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Nathan just stood there, staring at me. His face was darkening into a familiar rage and I was terrified of it, but I kept my expression calm, and put my hands behind my back so he couldn’t see them shaking. Remembering how effective a tactic it was when Sue used it on me, I said nothing more, just stood waiting – and hoped my shaking legs would hold me up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Nathan came through the gate, stood close to me. I stared back at him, willing my expression to remain calm. I knew that if I showed fear or anger he would react. I didn’t know what he would do if I stayed calm and appeared unaffected. I was gambling that if I didn’t react he would leave but I didn’t know if it would work or if it would backfire. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You’ve changed Cassie. Probably the prissy policeman has been telling you to go against your nature. Or maybe that ‘friend’ of yours, that Saffron. She’s always hated me and she’s always had a bad effect on our marriage.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I continued to look at him, but still said nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Well I’ll go, but you haven’t seen the last of me Cassie. You can’t deny your true nature forever. You’ll be back, and I’ll be waiting.” He looked over my head at something. “I’ll leave you to Mr Goody Police Boots. You’ll come crawling back one day.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">With those words he went to his car, hopped in, and drove off without looking back. I stared after him, realizing that in the entire conversation Nathan had not once mentioned Lucy, nor had he referred again to Mark. Talk about true colours – the only person who mattered to Nathan was Nathan. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">As his car disappeared I was reminded of my fragile emotional state - and the adrenalin coursing through my body - as my shaking legs failed me and I sank unceremoniously onto the pavement beside the gate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">A strong hand appeared in front of my eyes, Matt’s hand. He was here with the promised breakfast. A wet doggy tongue rasped down my cheek, making me laugh and helping to stop the tears that were threatening. I patted Barney, took Matt’s hand and allowed myself to be pulled to my feet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Can you make it inside? I’m worried that if I put this food down you know who will scoff the lot.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I looked properly at Matt. In his other hand was a McDonald’s bag and a cardboard tray holding what I thought was coffee. I narrowed my eyes at it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I thought you were cooking breakfast? And McDonald’s coffee? What’s wrong with mine?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He shrugged. “I have a weakness for their coffee, it’s a vice I know.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Unlacing our fingers, he wrapped his arm around my waist and supported me in through the gate. I managed to get my key into the front door lock, smiling at the joyful barking that erupted with the sound. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Once inside Matt gave me a little push towards the kitchen. “Take the food and go sit down.” As I went towards the kitchen he went to the laundry where the dogs had spent the night. “I’ll let this pair out with Barney, we can feed them later on.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I nodded, reached the kitchen, put the food and coffee onto the table and sand down into the nearest chair, reaction setting in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">By the time Matt came back the tears were rolling unchecked down my cheeks. “Oh darlin’ girl, what did he do?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He pulled a chair close and sat in it, putting his arms around me. I let the tears soak into his shirt until the worst of the reaction had abated. Pulling away, I patted ineffectually at the damp spot I had left on his shoulder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt handed me the rapidly cooling coffee. I took a gulp, grimacing at the taste. Slowly, I told him all that had happened. When I finished he said nothing for a while, just took out the food (pancakes and hash browns) and handed it to me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Eat Cassie, you need it for the shock.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He waited until I had taken a few mouthfuls before saying any more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“That was so brave of you Cassie, I’m so proud of you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I shrugged. “I know now that I won’t give into him. But how do I stop him?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt said nothing, his face flushing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Matt? Are you blushing?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Well I did think of a way you could stop him, I’m sure it would work. If you wanted to I mean. I mean not just as a way of stopping Nathan but you know, if you wanted to.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">This was almost incoherent, and unlike Matt who almost never lost his cool. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Matt? I don’t understand. What do you mean?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt started to make patterns in his maple syrup with his knife. I stared at the patterns, mesmerized by this behaviour that reminded me of Mark when he was about to say something and didn’t know what sort of reception he would get.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Matt?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Still making patterns in the syrup Matt spoke so softly that I had to lean forward to hear him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You could marry me.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-16852154320963338282016-02-08T17:53:00.001+10:002016-02-08T17:58:52.961+10:00Cassie's Story - Letters To MyselfHasn't Monday come fast! So much is happening here, and happening for Cassie too. Here she is, surfacing from last time:<br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCjyAfwlfWTn7rLJK9CmKn1Zu_ska1vT3XI-HYj_t6MtOjkeJncI_hY7hyphenhyphenCO_pFQdRgMx4R9D9W-j85AsM1goPBNjF5BsG5QX2Nkoec0fWAlq2EIurtT563aQfCMFF6pERDkRkLldZmd6m/s1600/LettersToMyself_eBookCover_FOR-UPLOAD.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCjyAfwlfWTn7rLJK9CmKn1Zu_ska1vT3XI-HYj_t6MtOjkeJncI_hY7hyphenhyphenCO_pFQdRgMx4R9D9W-j85AsM1goPBNjF5BsG5QX2Nkoec0fWAlq2EIurtT563aQfCMFF6pERDkRkLldZmd6m/s320/LettersToMyself_eBookCover_FOR-UPLOAD.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The world disappeared, my focus
narrowed to include only Matt and the way he was making me feel. I gave up all
pretense of thinking and just went with the flow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As seemed to be the norm with
us, it was a creature that shook us back to reality. Barney, bored with
waiting, bashed his head against the back of my knees. Already pretty shaky on
my legs (what can I say? Matt has power) this was all it took for me to lose my
balance. The kiss was broken as I slipped. It was only because Matt already had
a close (very, very close) hold of me that I didn’t fall. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Whoa, are you ok?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I pushed back my hair. “Yes,
Barney got impatient.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I looked around, belatedly recognizing
that we were standing at my front gate, locked together like two lovers. Well we
had just been kissing like two lovers. Well maybe that was where this was
headed. I blushed at my own wayward thoughts, but fortunately this went
unnoticed by Matt since the street lighting was dim enough to hide it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He ran his hand through his
hair. “Probably a good thing he did that. I forgot we are out in the street.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“So did I.” I paused, feeling
awkward and shy. Matt ran a finger down my cheek and I sighed at the touch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> “Do you want to come in?” I couldn’t believe I
had said it, but the words were out and no retracting them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Are you sure that’s what you
want?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Was I? This was my moment of
truth. I swallowed, my throat dry. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yes, I’m sure.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Then yes, I would like to come
in.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I swallowed again, fumbled with
opening the gate so that Matt had to help me. Once it was open I led the way
with dignity intact. Well that’s what I planned. What happened was that Barney
pushed past me and in the process knocked me into Matt, who caught me and half
carried me through, stifling what sounded suspiciously like a laugh in the
process.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Once through the gate I
straightened, and led the way to the front door. There, I stood staring at it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie? Are we going in?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I sighed. “My key is at your
house, with my phone, in your lounge room.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“We sure are a prepared pair.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt touched his forehead to
mine, chuckling softly. I smiled in response.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“That’s me, always ready to
party.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">At my words his chuckle grew
into a proper laugh, a beguiling sound that made me laugh too. I thought of the
sight we must make, standing at my front door, laughing like a pair of idiots. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh my goodness, what a night.
I bet you want me now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt sobered. “You have no
idea.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">His words sent a thrill through
me, not of fear but of what I identified, with just a touch of anxiety, as
longing. Was I really ready for this?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Words failed me, I just stared
at him. Matt smiled, leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead. It was a
gentle touch of lips on skin, but it made my heart sing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I guess we’d better go back to
mine then.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As he spoke Matt stretched out
a hand to me in invitation. I placed my hand in his, allowing him to lead me
back to his house. Barney, initially piqued that he wasn’t after all going to
visit Pebbles and BamBam, quickly recovered and bounced along happily. This was
a wonderful adventure for him. Maybe it was for me too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Back at Matt’s house I sat on
the lounge, feeling again awkward and shy. Matt poured us both a glass of the
red wine. Handing me my glass he sat down beside me. I took a nervous sip,
wondering what to say.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I peeked sideways, hiding
behind my fringe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Leaning forward Matt put his
wineglass on the coffee table. Taking mine from my unresisting hand he placed
it beside his. Then he took both my hands in both of his.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie, this isn’t a test, or
a schedule. We don’t have to end up in the bedroom - although to be honest I
will be very happy if we do. But we have all the time in the world. I’m not
going to rush you, or force you, or try to coerce you. I am so happy, you
cannot know how happy I am to know that you want me in a romantic sense.” He
paused, frowned in irritation. “God, I sound like a soap opera. You know what I
mean though Cassie don’t you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I did know what he meant, and
with that knowledge all of my anxiety vanished. This was where I belonged, with
Matt. I leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek, before disengaging my hands
and picking up my wine glass again. I sipped, the wine slid smoothly over my
tongue, leaving behind a fruity taste that was a touch smoky. A good choice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt raised one eyebrow, his
expression that professional blank one he was so good at wearing. I smiled at
him as seductively as I could. The result was not Matt kissing me senseless, something
that admittedly would have been difficult without spilling the excellent wine.
I must have forgotten how to smile seductively since his blank expression was
still firmly in place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Taking my courage in both hands
(and a healthy swig of wine), I put the glass back on the coffee table. Matt
didn’t move. I slid closer to him on the lounge. He still didn’t move. I put
both my hands on either side of his face. He sat, still as a statue. Sighing, I
leaned closer, until my breasts brushed against his chest. Nothing. I frowned,
was I that rusty?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Then I noticed his quickened
breathing, the intensity of his chocolate brown eyes, and I understood. He had
promised not to rush, force, or coerce me. This was his way of making sure he
kept his word. This man was never going to be like Nathan in any way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Sliding one hand down to cover
his (wildly beating) heart I caressed his cheek with the other. Then I leaned
in close and kissed him with everything I had. Matt groaned under my lips, his
arms came around me and crushed me close and he took over the kiss. Then, dear
reader, I was kissed senseless, kissed until I no longer knew where I stopped
and he started, kissed until…well you can fill in the blanks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The sun shining on my face woke
me the next morning. I turned my head and saw Matt watching me. Overwhelmed
with shyness I pulled the bedclothes under my chin. Matt grinned as he watched.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You look adorable like that.
Come here.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He rolled onto his back, his
arms wide, wearing nothing but a wicked grin. Oh my. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I did as I was told, and was
rewarded with a scorching kiss that almost made me forget where I was. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Coming up for air, I checked my
watch and groaned. “It’s already 7:00. I have to get back to the dogs, and I’m
picking up Mark at 10:00.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt rolled us over until he
was poised above me. Grinning wickedly, he kissed me, slowly and thoroughly. Then
he kept on rolling until he was standing beside the bed. I lay there, enjoying the
view of a naked Matt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“All that jogging has done
wonders for you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt leered at me. “I told you
I had a six pack to die for.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I sat up, planted a kiss on his
flat belly. Matt gasped a little and I smiled. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You did, and you were not
exaggerating.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Get up woman, I know you have
to get back to let out the dogs before they destroy your place. I’ll make us
breakfast and bring it to yours, ok?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Could anyone be more perfect?
Reeling in such sappy thoughts I nodded my agreement. Matt swaggered to the
door and I watched him go, a sappy grin on my face to match those sappy thoughts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As soon as he had gone I jumped
out of the bed and dressed quickly. Ridiculous as it might be after the night
we had just spent I still felt too shy to be naked in front of him. I was
delighted that he had no such qualms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As I went into the kitchen I
checked that I had everything I came with, except the wine. Matt was
watching me, grinning. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Got everything this time?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I smiled in response. “Yes, I
have. I have to dash, those dogs will be desperate to go out.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt came over to me, pulled me
into his arms and kissed me again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ll shower and be there with
breakfast.” He paused. “That’s ok with you isn’t it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This new level of our
relationship was going to take a bit of getting used to for both of us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yes of course. I’m starving.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Grin back in place Matt
grinned. “We used a lot of energy last night, and that was before we, er, used
energy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I blushed. “See you soon,” I
managed, and I bolted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I almost skipped down the path
to my house. I felt so light, I couldn’t remember when I had felt this happy. I
stopped in my tracks. That was how I felt, happy. I hugged myself, I couldn’t
remember the last time I had felt so happy and it was wonderful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Continuing down the footpath my
steps slowed, became heavier. Why was Nathan’s car sitting outside my house?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-43502767601121709182016-02-01T16:08:00.001+10:002016-02-01T16:13:21.171+10:00Cassie's Story - Letters To Myself<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">It's Monday, and Cassie time. Things are moving for Cassie. If you remember last week she was about to talk to Matt, and having a difficult time finding the words. Last week ended with Cassie starting to tell Matt why she wanted to see him. Here's the next installment.</span><br />
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt stared at me, his
expression difficult to make out in the darkness. He must have been unable to
see my face either because he stood and headed for the light switch. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In a panic I reached out and
grabbed his arm as he walked by. “Matt, can we not have any lights on? It’s
easier for me to talk to you like this.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt stood still, completely
still. I let my hand drop from his arm, feeling as awkward as I have ever felt
in my life – and given some of the episodes during my marriage, that’s saying
something.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Do I need to get more wine, or
maybe something stronger like scotch before I listen to what you have to say?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I shrugged, not sure of my
reception. Not sure of anything in truth. “Maybe, I could use another drink.
This is harder than I thought.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Without another word he strode
inside, leaving behind an air of something indefinable but definitely not good.
I realized I was wringing my hands and tried to stop myself. Instead I started pacing,
Barney happily accompanying me on my back and forward path.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Had I left it too late? Did Matt
no longer want me? Was he trying to find a way to tell me that and was that why
he needed a drink? Or maybe he knew what I was going to say and needed a drink
because he was going to have to shatter my illusions. That was it, he felt that
I should say my piece, but then he was going to tell me I was too late.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">No, Matt was too kind for that.
If he no longer wanted me he wouldn’t make me go through the process of telling
him I was finally ready. He wasn’t cruel. Perhaps going to get a drink was a
delaying tactic, and when he came out he would tell me that we could only ever
be friends. Or - my heart sank at the thought - maybe he met someone new and
was about to start a relationship with her, and needed to tell me so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It couldn’t be that, I was the
one who wanted to see him. Please don’t let it be that. He must be having
second thoughts about a relationship with me and who could blame him?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As I spun on my heel to begin
the short trek back along the deck Matt emerged from inside. He was carrying a
bottle of scotch and a fresh bottle of red wine in one hand, and two extra
glasses in the other. A wave of emotion swept over me at the sight of him. How
could I not have realized how dear he was to me? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In silent question he lifted
the hand holding the bottles. I cleared my throat nervously, “Scotch please,
not much though or I’ll fall asleep.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt didn’t reply, just set
down the bottles and glasses and poured two shots of scotch, one small and one
generous. He handed the small one to me as I approached, picked up the second
one and knocked it back in one swallow. I stared at him, my own glass frozen on
the way to my lips. I had never seen Matt do that before and it made me even
more anxious.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt sighed, reaching out with
one hand to stroke my cheek. It felt like someone gentling a flighty horse, and
worked on me almost as well. I turned my cheek into his hand and felt some of
the anxiety leave me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie, you’ll be the death of
me. Don’t worry, I’m not turning into Nathan. I’m dreading what you’re going to
say and needed some dutch courage.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My heart sank again. He didn’t
want me any more, that was why there was this strange feeling in the air.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Maybe I should just go home.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt poured another stiff shot,
propelled it down his throat with what seemed to me to be an expert flick of
his wrist (one day I was going to have to ask him about his youth), before he captured
my hand, leading me to the bench seat behind the table. He sat and pulled me
down beside him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“No, we should get this out in
the open, clear the air, so we can get on with our lives.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Our separate lives?” My voice
was small, so small that Matt leaned closer to hear me. His movement brought
his hair near my face. I resisted the temptation to stroke it, instead lifting
my glass to my lips with a shaky hand. Sipping the fiery liquid did seem to
help so I sipped some more. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“We’ll always be friends, just
the same as it’s always been.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">At Matt’s words I could feel
bile rising in my throat. He was rejecting me, saving me the ignominy of
telling him how I felt. He was being kind, as he always was. He was a truly
wonderful man and I had lost him because I waited too long to tell him. I was
crushed, this was not how I imagined the evening would go. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I had to leave, I couldn’t sit
there and pretend everything was fine. I swallowed the remaining scotch in my
glass, grateful for the way it burned down to my stomach. It strengthened my
backbone, gave me the courage to stand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I think it’s best that we
forget this night ever happened. I have to go. See you around Matt.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I put the empty glass down on
the table and turned to leave. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie? We haven’t talked yet.
We should sort this out.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I turned back. “Sort what out?
You said we will always be friends. So friends we shall be.” I brushed away the
tears that formed at my words, angry at my emotions. Life was a lot easier
when I was disconnected from emotion. I
turned away again, turned back, hesitated. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie?” Matt was on his feet,
his expression difficult to read in the darkness but his voice conveying
puzzlement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m sorry Matt, sorry I waited
too long, sorry I didn’t know how I really felt for so long, sorry I didn’t
tell you sooner, sorry for what can never be now.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The world swayed in front of my
eyes, whether the effects of the scotch or the tears I wasn’t sure. I hesitated
for a beat longer, then turned and headed off the deck towards the side gate. I
didn’t want to go through the house, I just wanted to get away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie!” To my dismay Matt was
following me. Of course he would, inherently thoughtful he would want to be
sure I was ok. I didn’t want him to see how un-ok I was. I ran, reaching the
gate and fumbling with the latch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie! Don’t run away, what did
you mean?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I got the gate open and ran
down path to my house. Barney, thinking it was an adventure, lolloped at my
side and Matt came behind me, still calling out to me and getting closer with
every step. I ran harder, my only thought to get away. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt caught me as I reached my
gate. He swung me round to face him but I pulled away. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Just let me go Matt, I’m fine.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He wrapped his arms around me
and pulled me close, so close I could feel his heart hammering in his chest,
matching the frantic pace of mine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You’re not fine Cassie and I’m
confused. What did you mean you waited too long, what did you mean you didn’t
know how you felt about me? Weren’t you going to say that you don’t think a
relationship between us would be a good idea?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I stared up at him, shocked out
of panic. “What?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Isn’t that the point of the
evening, why you were so distracted and distant?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You thought I was going to
tell you we couldn’t have a relationship?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt nodded, a short, stiff inclination
of his head. “Why else would you be so distracted? I mean you even forgot to
feed the dogs.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“But you said we could always
be friends. You wanted me to know that it was too late.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Frustration roiled off him in
waves but Matt didn’t move, didn’t change his expression. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I said that because I could
see it was where you were headed and I wanted to save us both that
conversation.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I blinked, slowly. And blinked
again. This was too confusing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Matt, I wasn’t going to say
that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“You weren’t?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“No. I was distracted because I
was scared of what I was going to say, scared in case it was too late, in case
you rejected me. And then you did reject me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Matt’s heart, which had slowed
to a normal rate, sped up again. Mine reacted to his, matched the pace. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cassie.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I stared up at him, waiting for
him to say something else. But he didn't say anything else. He kissed me, like I've never been kissed before.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOh6AkiUafJjQ8myTP_AOZi1JJPYzTnwrGxaNtp_VveiQ7RdDkLAl8WVzwyHh4BfDpT2ZOzbIIvSqoMuY431JMkTtMAot69vi8iSIWvBeMesw0ERWOgXQoPUti0Bl2FZwH1NmYYAd-FwyK/s1600/bleeding+heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOh6AkiUafJjQ8myTP_AOZi1JJPYzTnwrGxaNtp_VveiQ7RdDkLAl8WVzwyHh4BfDpT2ZOzbIIvSqoMuY431JMkTtMAot69vi8iSIWvBeMesw0ERWOgXQoPUti0Bl2FZwH1NmYYAd-FwyK/s320/bleeding+heart.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-78441379137792977822016-01-27T10:03:00.001+10:002016-01-27T10:03:12.077+10:00Cassie's Story - Letters To Myself <span style="font-size: large;">Late again, things have been happening. Firstly, here is the new cover for Letters, which I love. What do you think? I'm currently running a free promotion for Letters, so go check it out.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">And here's this weeks Cassie:</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">It was Saturday night, and I was going to dinner at Matt’s house.
Mark was at a sleepover, to be picked up at 10 am the next morning. I had a
stomach full of butterflies, a head full of doubts and fear. I dithered over
what to wear for far too long. What did one wear on what may be the most
momentous night of her life? How did one approach such a night anyway?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I was pretty sure it should not have been so prosaic as the
message I eventually sent to Matt – </span><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Dinner at yours Saturday night?
I’ll bring the wine. </span><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">This
of course gave no hint as to why I wanted to come over, no clue about the
eureka moment I had experienced. So naturally Matt’s reply was laidback and
casual. </span><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Sure, steak ok? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">There were a few more to and
fro messages, but not once did I give any hint about anything. As far as Matt
knew this was nothing more than one of our regular dinners, where one of us
cooked, the other brought the wine, we chatted and watched a movie and then the
evening was over. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">And maybe it would pan out that
way, if I lost my nerve. So I spent an age trying to select the right clothes.
I was going for relaxed, casual, but sexy and meaningful. And I suck at
choosing clothes like that. Well is there any sort of an outfit that could
convey such meaning? Not in my wardrobe anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Eventually I settled on a loose
and floaty skirt and a close fitting button through top. I left a few buttons
undone, but then remembered an episode from my past life with Nathan involving
a button through dress (which I now no longer own – the dress or the life). In
a fit of disgust with myself I discarded the entire outfit and chose instead
jeans and a simple t-shirt. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Studying my face in the mirror
while I ran a brush through my hair I had my second change of mind, and removed
all of my make-up. This was Matt, he was more used to seeing me without make-up
than with it. And I didn’t want our relationship to be based on superficial
things. Then I decided I was being pretentious and reached for the make-up bag
again, but on seeing the time put it down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I left the house without the
wine and without feeding the dogs. I got partway down the footpath towards
Matt’s house before the pitiful whining from the dogs reminded me. So I went
back, fed the dogs and let them out into the back yard. At the front gate I
remembered the wine and went back for it. Halfway to Matt’s house I realized my
phone was at home and went back again. With Mark being at his friend’s house I
needed to be contactable. Phone safely in my bag I reached the front door before
turning back to get the wine which I’d put on the counter when I picked up my
phone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">By the time I made it to Matt’s
house I was flustered, hot, and late. He opened the door with one eyebrow
cocked in enquiry. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Everything ok?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Yep, just forgot to feed the
dogs.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt followed me as I went into
his kitchen. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You forgot to feed the dogs?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Yes, then I forgot my phone
and almost forgot the wine.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I waved the bottle of red wine
in his general direction before putting it on the counter and opening the
drawer where he kept the bottle opener. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt stood still, watching me.
I wasn’t looking at him but I could feel his eyes on me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I fumbled with the bottle
opener, almost stabbing myself in the hand with the corkscrew. Matt came over
and took it from me, efficiently opened the bottle and poured the wine. All the
time I stood watching his hands, unable to look at his face. I felt like a
gauche schoolgirl, a foolish teenager in the presence of her crush. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Cheers.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt handed me a glass and
picked up his own. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Cheers,” I replied. “Dinner
smells good.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“It’s almost ready, take a seat
while I finish up.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I sat on one of the kitchen
stools and studied the deep ruby colour of the wine in my glass, swirling it
gently to make waves on the surface.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Ok Cassie, you’re weirding me
out. What’s going on? Why are you forgetting things like feeding the dogs and
why can’t you look at me?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I sighed, met his eyes and felt
a blush race under my skin, threatening to blow off my ears. Matt’s eyebrows
rose, he studied my face, captured my eyes with his. Whatever he saw he chose
not to pursue, to my relief. Instead he began bustling about dishing up our
dinner. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Handing me my plate he
indicated his back deck. “I thought we’d eat outside tonight. Is that ok?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I took the plate and preceded
him outside. “Sounds good,” I threw back over my shoulder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt’s back deck had much the
same view as mine – the bushland backing onto all of our houses. The remnants
of sunset tinged the sky with pink and orange, while the birds – and bats –
were flying overhead, returning to their roosts and in the case of the bats,
heading out for the night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Barney was beside himself with
excitement at having people and food outside in his domain. He ran around in
circles for a while before coming to lie underneath the table, waiting for
titbits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The outdoor table was already
set, it only needed the fat pillar candles to be lit, which Matt did before
sitting across from me. He smiled, a sweet smile that pierced my heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You look lovely tonight
Cassie.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I found that hard to believe,
flustered and make-up free as I was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I don’t think so, but thank
you for saying.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt studied me over his wine
glass, his expression unreadable. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Tuck into dinner while it’s still
hot.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Feeling uncomfortable under his
‘police stare’ I did just that. Dinner was delicious, the early evening air was
balmy and the wine proved a good choice. As the meal progressed I relaxed, and
by the time we were carrying our plates back inside I felt much more normal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Cheese?” Matt pulled a
selection pack from the fridge and started arranging it on a board.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Thank you.” I poured the last
of the wine into our glasses, and carried them through to the lounge room with
Matt following with a fresh bottle and the cheese.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">We settled into his comfortable
lounge, Matt putting the cheese onto the coffee table where we could both reach
it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Do you feel like watching a
movie?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Something light, I don’t want
to think too much tonight.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Let’s see if there’s any
comedy or action on.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Either sounded good to me. My
main purpose for coming here tonight was still unspoken and I had no idea how
to broach the subject. Half my mind was worrying at this and I didn’t have
enough left to figure out a complicated movie plot. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Eventually we settled on a
light comedy and sat back to watch it. I was too distracted to give it my full
attention, something that did not go unnoticed by Matt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Cassie, you haven’t been
yourself all evening. Want to tell me what’s wrong?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I stared at him, movie
forgotten. Where to start?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Cassie? Did something happen
today? Did Nathan bother you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“No, nothing like that. Almost
the opposite really.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Then what?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I had a good session with Sue
the other day, and that night I realized something that’s changed the way I
think.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt put his wine glass on the
coffee table and leaned towards me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“What does that mean?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I shrugged, unsure of how to
say it. “Well, I finally understood that I can never have a simple friendship
with Nathan, that he will always have an agenda beyond that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Go on.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“And I understood that he’s
been controlling me still, even after all this time.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt reached for his wine, took
a healthy swig.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“And?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“And I figured out that I’ve
been feeling guilty about what happened in the marriage, and feeling I don’t
deserve anything good in my life. And that I didn’t know how to have a good
relationship. And I was afraid Nathan would still be able to control me, and
would destroy any new relationship I had.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“And you still feel that way?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Overcome by shyness,
awkwardness and fear I stood. “Can we go outside for a bit?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt said nothing, just picked
up his wine and mine and led the way out to his deck, where we were greeted by
a joyous Barney. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt sat down in a long bench
seat off to one side, indicating that I should join him. He handed me my glass
as I sat and I took a mouthful, taking some time to gather my thoughts. The
heady scent of the night scented jasmine wafted in the breeze.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I can smell that jasmine at my
house, but it’s much stronger here. It must be close by.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“It is, it’s over there in the
corner.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“It’s yours?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“That’s why it’s in the corner.
You were going to say Cassie, do you still feel all those emotions about Nathan
and your marriage?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I stared at Matt, struck by the
parallel of the jasmine playing a part in both my breakthrough thinking and
this conversation now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“That’s
why I wanted to see you tonight Matt.”</span></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-27039174024335279072016-01-19T17:25:00.002+10:002016-01-19T17:25:26.752+10:00Cassie's story - Letters To Myself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgURBIlHtXe3EC3nh7lZDF_m2fx_4iHVlS-T5WJztcZ_Q1qjcJzShIfdHj-Go3RMMESLVwYFjFQ9WS1tiLdAlscJTYHxbd4Z1NTpIF-1ESWEIKfCj0P3XeXFQsKkNj6dKcFMC6latzGjGFH/s1600/sick_girl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgURBIlHtXe3EC3nh7lZDF_m2fx_4iHVlS-T5WJztcZ_Q1qjcJzShIfdHj-Go3RMMESLVwYFjFQ9WS1tiLdAlscJTYHxbd4Z1NTpIF-1ESWEIKfCj0P3XeXFQsKkNj6dKcFMC6latzGjGFH/s320/sick_girl.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm a day late for Cassie, sorry guys. I've been sick with a horrible cold, and it's summer here. The body has a way of letting down defenses when stressed.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Did you read the last blogs about narcissism? If so you will understand why Cassie is having such a difficult time allowing happiness into her life. But she's been working on herself, maybe one day she will have that happy ending.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Here she is:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsob_HkmF6mEDBQO0dLY3y-RBAxsmJIkPDcqZ-dKgKNq09lpXX5iGXRA_bNNRXtyy6lwHa-SCyY5degQ3_UwvJCtpEO2NOeDU5WhxDZW576Ya469qIX_c8pMkVwNOwPnWzN4mU7TkU-gaD/s1600/Letters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsob_HkmF6mEDBQO0dLY3y-RBAxsmJIkPDcqZ-dKgKNq09lpXX5iGXRA_bNNRXtyy6lwHa-SCyY5degQ3_UwvJCtpEO2NOeDU5WhxDZW576Ya469qIX_c8pMkVwNOwPnWzN4mU7TkU-gaD/s320/Letters.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Dear me,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I think, finally, I understand me – a little bit. Am I the ‘me’ I
could have been if I hadn’t fallen in love with Nathan, if events of my life
hadn’t led me to him? Or is it because of what happened with him that I am the
me I am now?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I shook my head, impatient at my convoluted thinking. This letter
was about what I was learning about myself, not how I got here. At least I
think it was. My deeper self always surprised the shallow surface me. I focused
on my pen again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I believe I am a good person. I did the things I did with Nathan
out of self-preservation. I behaved the way I did because I was lost within the
relationship, lost trying to fix it, to make it right, to make things the way
they were. I was lost trying to find the Nathan I married, but that Nathan
never really existed. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">At least, that Nathan was the one he could have been, if he didn’t
have his problems, if his brain worked the way it should. But it doesn’t, and
it never will. I tried to understand, I tried to be the person I thought he
needed me to be. I lost myself trying to understand him, trying to use reason
with a person for whom reason has a different meaning – one nobody else can
understand. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I finally learned that to use reason with someone who is
unreasonable means insanity for the reasoned one – the unreasonable one carries
on, not even realizing the damage he has caused. I finally understand that I
have been carrying the repercussions of that with me all this time. I was not
completely free, even though I thought I was. I was still tied, just a little
bit, to Nathan. Still carrying the guilt with me over the failure of the
marriage. Still thinking I could have done something to change things,
something to make it right, something to fix it. Still thinking that I could
find a way to reach him.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">And, all this time, feeling that I do not deserve a good
relationship because of the things I did. Feeling the guilt, feeling the shame.
I feel shame for my actions, shame for what I did and who I became. Shame too
because I was not strong enough to leave. It was Nathan who left. If he hadn’t,
would I still be struggling along in the marriage even now? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">That is what has stopped me from moving forward with Matt. I did
not see clearly what was happening, I did not have the strength to change it.
As he did all through the marriage it was Nathan who controlled what happened,
and for months after it was Nathan who was in control.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">And, when he wanted us to be friends, I let him take control
again, and again when he manipulated me into inviting him to my New Years
Party. Still Nathan in control with me the foolish puppet. So how, knowing that,
can I ever trust myself to start a new relationship? How, knowing that, can I
ever believe that I can stand up to Nathan, to stop him from controlling me, to
stop him from sabotaging my new relationship if he wishes to? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I put down my pen, picked up my wine and took a sip, my mind still
on the words I had written. This afternoon, after leaving my appointment with
Sue, I had felt so light and free. Now, after writing this letter to myself,
that lightness had gone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Not wanting to reply to myself yet I went out onto my back deck
and stood in the moonlight, sniffing the warm night air. The delicate scent of
a night scented jasmine floated on the breeze. I loved the idea of a plant that
released its scent only at night. I had no idea who owned it, someone in the
street I supposed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">All was quiet, the dogs were snoozing in the laundry and Mark was
in bed. I looked up at the sky, dotted with stars and only the faintest wisps
of cloud here and there. It was a beautiful, peaceful night. But not inside my
head. I sighed, sniffed the jasmine again, and went back inside to finish my
self-imposed task. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Dear you,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">You are being too hard on yourself, on us. You are not still
trapped in Nathan’s web. You </span></i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">are <i>free. Today you recognized so much
about yourself and your reactions. You recognized what was happening with
Nathan and now that you are aware it will not happen again.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">You said yourself, Nathan always has an agenda and you cannot be
friends. You know he was manipulating you, so he won’t be able to do it again.
You </span></i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">can <i>get past this, and you will. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">You know now what you want from a relationship – what you want and
not what you think you should give. Your self-esteem has grown, your strength
has grown, your belief in yourself has grown. You know you deserve a real
relationship and happiness in your life. You know that the failure of the
marriage was not your fault. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">You are a good person, you deserve happiness. You know this now.
And, Matt is a good man who understands what you went through and who will
support you and help you as you adjust to a proper relationship. A real
relationship. Matt will help you stand against Nathan if you need to, he will
help you in all things, as you will help him. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<i><span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">It's time, it’s really time to start your life again. You are free
of Nathan, free of the guilt and free of the shame. My advice to you, to me, is
to call Matt.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I put down the pen and stared at my own words. Even though I had
written them they still seemed like they had come from someone else. And yet,
if Saffron had asked me for advice – if she had been me – it was exactly what I
would say to her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I pulled a face at myself. Well duh, of course it was exactly what
I would say, it was me who said it. This writing to myself was sometimes a bit
schizophrenic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I filled my wine glass and went back outside. Nothing had changed,
the soft breeze was still warm and still scented, the stars were bright, the only
sound that of the crickets. All that had changed was me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I thought about my words to me, the words of my higher self to the
self still struggling with life. Did I dare to believe myself? That sentence
struck me, filled my head. Did I dare to believe myself?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">If I didn’t believe myself what would happen? I’d be stuck in this
circle, going around and around until even Matt gave up and found love with
someone else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">If I did believe myself what would happen? Possibilities, changes –
that’s what would happen. I would move forward, I would change, the future
would happen but not on Nathan’s terms. No, if I believed myself, if I believed
<i>in</i> myself, the future I wanted would open up to me, on my terms. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I felt dizzy. All that I wanted was mine already, I just had to
reach for it instead of pulling away. Surprising myself (spontaneity is not my
thing), I spun in a circle, my face up to the sky. I felt, in those moments, at
one with everything, at peace with everything. I felt free.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Spin over – without a drop of wine being spilled in case you were
wondering – I went back inside and picked up my phone. He was on night shift so
would not get my message until tomorrow morning, but I was sending it anyway.
My decision was </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">made. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" dir="RTL" style="direction: rtl; text-align: center; unicode-bidi: embed;">
<span dir="LTR" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuWdrS_jQ6ZTRsBzUfiBsUqpHJn08tzkT37OSpZD8VPN8meR51NqC8fFLZBJC6R0NS15MzZAXH2MJ02P5JGWBt_Gu88UsiMSzbkb5eREUUeJm82NpQJ9PiswI7mhSAAjhcPO_NZUacy3-x/s1600/believe+in+yourself.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="317" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuWdrS_jQ6ZTRsBzUfiBsUqpHJn08tzkT37OSpZD8VPN8meR51NqC8fFLZBJC6R0NS15MzZAXH2MJ02P5JGWBt_Gu88UsiMSzbkb5eREUUeJm82NpQJ9PiswI7mhSAAjhcPO_NZUacy3-x/s320/believe+in+yourself.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-8546032162697699192016-01-13T12:00:00.000+10:002016-01-13T12:00:12.875+10:00Why I am Still a Basket Case <div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Welcome to part two of this blog on Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. This syndrome is not officially recognised, but many therapists and psychiatrists have patients presenting with the symptoms. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">Narcissistic abuse victims express feelings of <span style="color: red;">humiliation and shame</span>, for a variety of reasons including the things they have done to please the narcissist. Often these things, especially in the narcissist with an underlying condition such as a sex-addiction (in Cassie’s case), are against the nature of the victim and cause <span style="color: red;">cognitive dissonance</span>. Once they break free of the relationship they still have to deal with the feelings of guilt over things they did during the relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><span style="color: magenta;">Stockholm Syndrome</span> is common in victims of narcissistic abuse. Stockholm Syndrome is where the victim identifies with the abuser and has strong emotional ties to him/her. It occurs in hostage situations, where the hostage is placed in grave danger by the capturer, and then shown small kindnesses over a period of time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">In the course of my research I came across an article which cited <span style="color: magenta;">quotes from people suffering from narcissistic victim syndrome</span><span style="color: blue;">.</span> The quotes were taken from a book entitled <i>Narcissism Book of Quotes: A Selection of Quotes from the Collective Wisdom of over 12 000 Individual Discussions. </i>The book itself came from an online forum. Some of these comments are listed below.</span></div>
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<li><i style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">"My N husband] is not exactly malicious. He doesn't set out to hurt me just for kicks. . . . He hurts me as little or as much as it takes to achieve his goal: to make me dependent on him . . . obey him, give him all the NS he demands. . . . So, while his primary goal isn't to hurt me, it becomes a goal if that's what it takes to get NS out of me." </span></i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 19.5pt;">(NS – Narcissistic Supply)</span></li>
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<li><i style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">"Narcissists install a mental filter in our heads a little bit at a time. Before we know it, everything we do, say, or think, goes through this filter. 'Will he get upset if I do/say/think this? Will he approve/disapprove? Will he feel hurt by this?" </span></i></li>
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<li><i style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">“They screw up the issues so we get confused. Then they reprioritize everything for us by getting angry, so we have to look at them first, we think and we worry about them first. It becomes all about them. Everything else, especially ourselves and things once important to us, become [secondary].” </span></i></li>
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<li><i style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">"We cannot accurately predict what response we will get on any given day. And without the ability to predict—without a stable system on which we can rely—we wind up tying ourselves into knots trying desperately to please and walking on eggshells hoping to avoid this unpredictable wrath" </span></i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 19.5pt;">[and the narcissist's over-reactive </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 19.5pt;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/anger" title="Psychology Today looks at rage"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">rage</span></a></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 19.5pt;"> is a theme prevalent in <i>so many</i> of these<i> </i>comments]. </span></li>
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<li><i style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">I learned that 'kicking you when you're down' is a standard characteristic of the N</span></i></li>
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<li><em style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">"Why don't we go? For any combination of reasons. Take a look at the 'you' before or at the time you started going out with the N—and the 'you' later on. Never was anyone less equipped to get out by that stage—your</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space" style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span></i></span><em style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/self-esteem" title="Psychology Today looks at self worth"><span style="color: black; font-style: normal;">self worth</span></a></span></em><span class="apple-converted-space" style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span></i></span><em style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">is in the gutter, you feel a failure, a deep sense of being a nothing—the things the N said to you, the insidious drip-feed of negatives, their behaviour that says so much about how little they respect or care for you. Then of course we really do have to face some of the nastiest [thoughts]—the what ifs, the</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space" style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span></i></span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 19.5pt;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/depression" title="Psychology Today looks at depression"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">depression</span></a></span><em style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">, the self-hatred (how COULD I have put up with this . . . what must he have thought of me, knowing I allowed him to do these things), the</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space" style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span></i></span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 19.5pt;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/loneliness" title="Psychology Today looks at loneliness"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">loneliness</span></a></span><em style="line-height: 19.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">, sense of failure."</span></em></li>
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<em><span style="font-size: 14pt; font-style: normal;"><span style="color: magenta;">A word from the founder of this forum, a self-confessed narcissist</span><span style="color: blue;">.</span><o:p></o:p></span></em></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">(From the article titled The Vampires Bite: Victims Of Narcissists Speak Out) 'The controversial Dr. Sam Vaknin, creator of this forum on narcissism and himself a self-confessed NPD, (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), has written profusely—at times, brilliantly—on the subject. In his article “Pseudologica Fantastica,” he freely admits:'<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> "I lie. Compulsively and needlessly. All the time. About everything. And I often contradict myself. Why do I need to do this? To make myself interesting or attractive. In other words, to secure narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, adulation,</span></i><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/social-networking" title="Psychology Today looks at gossip"><i>gossip</i></a></span><i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">).”</span></i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt;">Living with a narcissist at the extreme end of the spectrum is living in a war zone. The emotional and psychological effects are profound and long lasting. As a personal aside, I suffered a huge dive into the black hole when I returned to Australia after an almost two year absence. It’s why I can’t stay here. Just coming back to the same country threw me into the pit of despair. It took almost two weeks to haul myself out and I hadn’t even returned to the same town, only the same country. I had another mini-breakdown on returning to the same town. I don’t believe I will ever fully get over this. That is how deep the effects are for most victims.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 19.9733px;">So, to get back to Cassie. Many of the people who have read <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a> are suffering at the hands of a narcissist, or have managed to get free but are still dealing with the after effects. I have had reviews and feedback from these people saying they wish they had found my book sooner. It offers hope, that there is a way out, and it shows that they are not alone. This is why Cassie is staying authentic. As a victim, she is still struggling to move forward, to believe in herself despite all the positive changes she has made in her life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 19.9733px;">The end of the relationship is not the end of trauma. If you are a victim of a narcissist do not despair. Be kind to yourself, know that it takes a long time to recover and if you need help ask for it. You are not weak, you are strong, so strong to have come this far. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help even if it is a long time since the break. True strength lies in knowing when help is needed, and asking for it.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-16850915931140581392016-01-12T15:32:00.002+10:002016-01-12T16:37:11.918+10:00Narcissistic Victim Syndrome<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilHLiS8MvLUfh8Qj8MbcFqoB9flCyWLA6NpBSUmJGo2cAApKbjArU1XltBCychzkscpvQpzHVr12mnfUwszPxZe2usJr5kYK-TWq9Q03J4zfbhmMxVROA_gkUIFOFjRioKI5toTthzFDyS/s1600/narcissist+victim+blog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilHLiS8MvLUfh8Qj8MbcFqoB9flCyWLA6NpBSUmJGo2cAApKbjArU1XltBCychzkscpvQpzHVr12mnfUwszPxZe2usJr5kYK-TWq9Q03J4zfbhmMxVROA_gkUIFOFjRioKI5toTthzFDyS/s320/narcissist+victim+blog.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">Those of you who read <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a> will know what Cassie went through during her marriage, or
at least at the end of her marriage. Reading her story continuation on this
blog you probably understand why she is so ambivalent about what seems to be a
great relationship with Matt. I decided to write a blog post to explain what is going on with Cassie. It will be in two parts, today's dealing with what Narcissistic Victim Syndrome is, and tomorrow's going into the syndrome in more depth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">What Cassie is still dealing with is
the aftermath of living with a narcissist as extreme as Nathan, not forgetting
his other personality disorders. It changed her, took away her self-confidence
and even her sense of identity. It made her unsure of her own mind, still struggling
to overcome coping mechanisms such as dissociation from her emotions. It made
her indecisive and disbelieving of her own worthiness in terms of personal
happiness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">This, sadly, is a common condition
in partners of those with narcissistic personality disorder. It has a name,
<span style="background-color: white; color: magenta;">Narcissistic Victim Syndrome</span>. People suffering from this syndrome are diagnosed
with <span style="color: red;">depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Complex Post Traumatic
Stress Syndrome. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">An inability to control emotions</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Dissociation (cutting off awareness
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<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Physical symptoms such as
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<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Reliving the traumatic event(s),
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<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Avoidance – avoiding places, people,
thoughts, feelings, activities and anything else that raises memories of the event(s)</span></li>
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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Syndrome typically present with a combination of these symptoms</span><span style="color: blue;">.</span> It takes a lot
of work and a long time to recover, a lot of people are never the same again. I
would say - and this is my own personal opinion based only on my own experience
and that of others I know – that most sufferers are never the same again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">A common group of symptoms in those
with <span style="color: magenta;">Narcissistic Victim Syndrome</span> include:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Avoidance</span></li>
</ul>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Loss of interest</span></li>
</ul>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Detachment</span></li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Sense of a limited future</span></li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Sleeping or eating difficulties</span></li>
</ul>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Irritability</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Hyper-vigilance (this comes from studying
the narcissist closely to try to predict what behaviour to expect at any given
time)</span></li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Flashbacks</span></li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Hopelessness</span></li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Psychosomatic illnesses (such as
palpitations, panic attacks, digestion problems)</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
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</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Self-harming and/or thoughts of
suicide</span></li>
</ul>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGICREorTXXlNNwum7pqN_yb-kCirF7AVnF-I0rszSIpuCrp7EouPj0f8iiGZRpbccRhXlK61RVFFk3TbmupigHhcYciSsSTEJTVhHkMkbV4duOtYgAgELAmY0nE-pJVBZ0ccLdb0BTEmN/s1600/owl+you+need+is+love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGICREorTXXlNNwum7pqN_yb-kCirF7AVnF-I0rszSIpuCrp7EouPj0f8iiGZRpbccRhXlK61RVFFk3TbmupigHhcYciSsSTEJTVhHkMkbV4duOtYgAgELAmY0nE-pJVBZ0ccLdb0BTEmN/s320/owl+you+need+is+love.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">Narcissistic abuse victims have learned
to believe everything is their fault, and so tend to <span style="color: red;">blame themselves</span> for
everything that happens, even post abuse. It is a difficult mind-set to change,
once learned.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">This is the bare bones of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. Tomorrow I will go into more detail and also include quotes from other victims, to highlight how common this syndrome is. If you are identifying with any of the above please come back tomorrow to read the rest.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkwqL3L6WRJhVh6z0HFI8EH-dKjCizmkoxL_e4bX2yvJ8OEHQhlJMHMNcTE1m9MacYCzwN8G3w1_egkwibg3u1p2ODoc1CsuBPckovAvFK74yB61xw7F9J2nr2a78vcsql0h_OYDmmpMVQ/s1600/Letters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkwqL3L6WRJhVh6z0HFI8EH-dKjCizmkoxL_e4bX2yvJ8OEHQhlJMHMNcTE1m9MacYCzwN8G3w1_egkwibg3u1p2ODoc1CsuBPckovAvFK74yB61xw7F9J2nr2a78vcsql0h_OYDmmpMVQ/s320/Letters.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-54334408189265968392016-01-11T19:29:00.000+10:002016-01-11T19:29:32.729+10:00Cassie's Story - Letters To Myself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY-rMdp_kX49NXX_FRpIo0q240EpkP2hmRPc3ugAuodVV8VQifHzCAEQitFDs_CGutCuV7Au8SQtW1X3wSvUapm-R2Dejz44bdPJ8WMtIYuf7dtE9OhDJexTMw9aXS9ce_IEpzHyVJ2aeR/s1600/freedom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY-rMdp_kX49NXX_FRpIo0q240EpkP2hmRPc3ugAuodVV8VQifHzCAEQitFDs_CGutCuV7Au8SQtW1X3wSvUapm-R2Dejz44bdPJ8WMtIYuf7dtE9OhDJexTMw9aXS9ce_IEpzHyVJ2aeR/s1600/freedom.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">The victims of those suffering from narcissistic personality disorder are sometimes overlooked. At least, their ongoing suffering can be overlooked. The mental abuse can take years to heal. This is why Cassie feels so uncertain and why she keeps vacillating. It's hard for her to trust herself, and hard for her to believe she deserves good in her life. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Today's episode is a bit of a breakthrough for her:</span><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy7M__uXRUP1j0MauYD-mK6G-LbDn-uPIIS9qHchZVkm1UjSmjW7GuG_WsNqhK05VOQMvNSw0m-THdT7GkuCS7BfEFhi1SBYREWXUFkGWHhjl2t3chqthmk3AydfD5CBT6Gjr6MXSgstKs/s1600/Letters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy7M__uXRUP1j0MauYD-mK6G-LbDn-uPIIS9qHchZVkm1UjSmjW7GuG_WsNqhK05VOQMvNSw0m-THdT7GkuCS7BfEFhi1SBYREWXUFkGWHhjl2t3chqthmk3AydfD5CBT6Gjr6MXSgstKs/s320/Letters.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Did it feel like family to you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue was sitting quietly, notepad in her lap, pen held loosely in
her hand. I was there for my regular appointment, and also because I was
feeling frustrated at my own ambivalence since that moment Saffron had said those words in my kitchen on New Year's Day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I turned the thought over in my mind (like I hadn’t already done
this a thousand times in the past few days). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“It felt comfortable, like neither of them was a guest I had to
entertain.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Is that your definition of family? That you don’t need to
entertain them?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I smiled, it did sound a bit strange repeated back to me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“My definition of family has been me and the kids for a long time
now. My thoughts about family keep going back to my marriage.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue stared at me for a few seconds, before scribbling in her
notepad. When she finished she leaned forward slightly. I mentally girded my
loins, Sue leaning forward meant she was going to say something to shake up my
world. <i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Cassie, may I ask if you are feeling the ambivalence because of
what happened with Nathan? Do you feel that you are not yet free of the
effects?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You mean do I still feel connected to Nathan? Because I don’t. I
felt no attraction or feeling of guilt when he tried to kiss me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“That’s kind of what I mean, and I’m pleased you have been able to
put that behind you. But what I meant is a bit different. Do you still feel responsible
for what happened? Do you feel that you are not worthy of a good relationship?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">We had discussed this topic before, I was sure it was the root of
my ambivalence toward a relationship with Nathan. I stared at Sue, trying to
understand my own emotions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I still have trouble understanding how I am feeling.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Yes, you dissociated from your own emotions, it was a coping
mechanism. Cassie, you should not underestimate the depth of the trauma you
experienced. I hesitated to diagnose Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, because
you did not display all of the pointers - some, but I didn’t think enough at
the time. Perhaps I was wrong. Now you have become stronger; you have learned
so much about yourself. But, I think you are not yet fully healed. It takes a
long time, you were a victim of mental abuse, a specific type of domestic abuse
at the hands of a person with narcissistic personality disorder. Does this
sound accurate to you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue paused to take a sip of coffee, watching the impact of her
words on me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I shifted uncomfortably. It still made me feel a little bit sick
to talk about my marriage, to remember the details that can only be described
as sordid. Not that I could remember all of them, another coping mechanism of
mine was to blank out the worst parts. I still had no memory of what Nathan
screamed at me in any of his rages, only of lying curled up on the floor at his
feet. Only the dark, deep despair I felt. But I had enough memories to feel
dirty every time I let them into my conscious mind. I sipped my own coffee,
noting the tremors that shook my hands, evidence that I was feeling far worse
than I was letting myself know.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I believe I still employ dissociation. I don’t allow myself to
feel anything deeply. Like now, my hands are shaking.” I help out my hands to
show Sue. “But if you asked me I would say I feel a bit uncomfortable.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue remained silent as I continued to process my thoughts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I think I still feel responsible, for the failure of the marriage
I mean. I no longer feel responsible for making Nathan happy. Although,” I
admitted as a ray of understanding lit up my mind, “I did have to stop myself
from falling into that old habit when Nathan said he wanted us to be friends.
And I guess I allowed myself to be manipulated into inviting him and Lucy to
the party.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I stared at Sue as another ray of understanding shone through the
confusion that usually clouded my brain whenever I tried to think objectively
about Nathan. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Actually I fell back into the old patterns because I agreed we
could be friends. But we can’t can we? Because Nathan will always have an
agenda beyond that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue smiled, but remained silent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“And I think it is my own feelings of inferiority that I have to
overcome. AND, I am afraid of failure. I failed so epically in my first
marriage, how will I cope if I fail in this relationship with Matt. Can I
handle that?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue scribbled in her book, looked up at me and made to speak but I
overrode her – for perhaps the first time in our relationship. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“No, I didn’t fail in my marriage. Who could succeed with someone
like Nathan? No-one, nobody could ever be good enough for him, nobody could
ever feed his needs indefinitely. Every woman in a relationship with him is
going to burn out. It was not my fault.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">As I spoke, with genuine conviction, I felt the weight of
responsibility – the weight I didn’t know I was still carrying – lift from my
shoulders. I could feel tears flood my eyes and tried desperately to blink them
back in. Showing emotion in this way was always going to embarrass me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue leaned forward, handed me the box of tissues that was always
at hand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Cry it out Cassie,” she said softly. “What you suffered has
changed you, perhaps forever. But you are strong and you are coming out the
other side of this. Today is a breakthrough day. You have finally expressed
your emotions about your marriage verbally, believed your words in your heart and
you’ve let it go. Your tears are your release valve. So cry it out and let it
all go.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I half smiled at her through the tears, before indulging in a
sobfest that I can assure you, dear reader, happens only rarely.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Once the tears stopped and I’d mopped my face and drunk some much
needed, rapidly cooling coffee, I shared the other ray of light that had shone
in my mind even as I sobbed. The mind never turns off does it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I employ dissociation with strong emotions, good and bad. My
feelings for Matt run deeper than I’ve let myself acknowledge. That’s why I
keep on vacillating like this.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue smiled at me. “What makes you think this?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I hate the way she makes me pull out my emotions and examine them.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Because of how happy I am to see him, because of how he makes me
laugh, because of how safe I feel when I am with him, because of how my body
reacts to him. And because I can’t imagine my life without him in it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“What do you think makes a good relationship?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Tricky questions today. “I think the most important thing to me
now is mutual respect. Trust, friendship, attraction, sex of course. But not
sex as the answer to everything or as the reason for everything. To feel equal
in the relationship.” I thought a bit more. “To be able to state my opinion and
have it listened to and respected as my opinion. To be able to have an argument
about something without feeling like a bug under someone’s shoe for daring to
go against his words, to be able to have a fight and it’s just a fight, not
ammunition for a future rage or the spark for an instant rage. To have someone
care for me as me and not as a useful verbal punching bag.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I was on a roll now. “To be comfortable in each other’s company,
and free to do other things with other people and it’s not a betrayal. To feel
safe.” I paused, repeated it. “To feel safe. And, to feel like an individual, a
separate person who is happy within the relationship but also, to be me. To be
me, just me, and to be accepted and loved for who I am. To not feel like I am
always wrong, always not good enough, always less important.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I looked Sue in the eyes. “I want someone who loves me for me,
someone I can love in return without it being a competition.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I paused, running my words back through my mind. “That was a lot
of repetition wasn’t it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue smiled again. “Kind of. I think this is the first time you
have thought about a relationship from your point of view. What you want as
opposed to what you must give to make someone else happy, or to try to make
someone else happy. Can you reduce it to one sentence? What is the most
important thing to you, or the two most?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">What was the most important thing? “It’s two, but I think really
it’s one. Maybe. I don’t know. To be loved, and to feel safe. But I think if
you are truly loved by someone, you will also feel safe. Is that right? And
respect, but again I think that comes with true love. I don’t think that anyone
who truly loved me would ever seek to make me feel small, or to rage at me
until I am so scared I block it out. I don’t think, in an equal relationship, in
a true partnership, there is room for someone like Nathan. Because with Nathan
it was not a partnership, it was a onemanship.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue snorted in amusement, but her eyes were kind. “You can’t have
a partnership with a narcissist, it’s all about them whether they play the
dominant role or the victim role. And they can’t truly love, it’s not possible
for them. It’s a sad and lonely existence for a narcissist. Cassie, I’m so
proud of you. It takes courage to recover from the sort of mental abuse that
you suffered. It takes years of work on the self to understand and accept what happened
and to move on. I think you are ready to move on. You understand yourself and
you know what you want – even if you choose a wordy way of expressing it!” She
laughed when I looked aggrieved. “Like I said Cassie, I think this has been the
first time you have verbalized what it is that you want from a relationship.
Congratulations! You have put your marriage in the past, your (misplaced) sense
of responsibility about it behind you. You have verbalized what it is that you
want from a partnership and you have given a great description of true love.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I wasn’t done worrying though. “But what if I enter into a
relationship with Matt and I fall back into the old patterns? What if I don’t
know how to have an equal relationship?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Do you think Matt knows how to?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I didn’t hesitate. “Yes he does.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Do you think he will understand when you struggle, and want to
help you? Do you think he will be patient with you and give you time to adjust?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Yes he will.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“So what exactly are you worried about?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I grinned, feeling a lightness fill my head. “I don’t know. Maybe the
first thing I have to learn is how not to worry!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue smiled again. “Cassie, the timing in this is your decision.
You’ve told me that Matt is willing to wait. And he has shown you that he puts
your well-being ahead of a, er, well ahead of his physical needs.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“He did didn’t he? He could have taken me to bed on New Year’s
Eve, or day or whenever it was by then. He didn’t. Nathan would have and not
considered how I would feel. Matt put me first.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I smiled at the thought, and then panicked. “But what if Matt
always puts me first, aren’t I then the narcissist?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue laughed, a full bodied laugh of genuine amusement. “Oh Cassie,
only you could think that! Do you really think that will happen? What do you
think happens in an equal, loving relationship?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Each one puts the other first. Not in a competition, but in true
caring.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Exactly. You work together in a partnership with mutual respect
and mutual love. Sometimes one is the caretaker, sometimes the other. When one
is down the other picks him or her up. That’s how it works Cassie.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Kind of like a friendship, but with sex.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">It was my turn to laugh at Sue’s shocked look. “Don’t panic! I
think I get it. But it is friendship isn’t it? You’re friends, lovers,
partners.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sue looked at her watch, the raising of her eyebrows telling me it
was likely past time for me to go. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“How did it get so late? We’re going to have to end it here
Cassie. Are you ok to drive? Today was a big session for you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I picked up my bag, and threw my empty coffee cup and used tissue
into the bin. “I’m fine Sue. I think I’m more than fine.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Come see me next week, if that’s ok with you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I will, I’ll make an appointment on the way out.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I paused at the door. “Maybe I’ll ask Matt to come over tonight.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I laughed and sashayed out as Sue stared at me open-mouthed. I had
been joking, but maybe, finally, now was the time to have a well overdue talk
with Matt about our relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-82306675089079701932016-01-04T10:33:00.002+10:002016-01-04T10:33:54.012+10:00Cassie's story - Letters To Myself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Happy New Year to you all! It's going to be a big year with all I have planned. Finding the time for the books I have in the pipeline is going to be the tricky part. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Have you been wondering what happens next with Cassie? Read on to find out.</span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I woke far earlier than I wanted to the
next day, driven by habit – also by the dogs whining at the front door. I tried
to remember if I let them in last night, but couldn’t. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Shuffling past the lounge room I saw
Mark still asleep on the mattress, his body flung out in childhood abandon.
Matt was asleep also, his body arranged in a similar fashion. I smiled at the
sight, he looked young and vulnerable in deep sleep. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The dogs greeted me excitedly when I
opened the front door, barreling past me into the kitchen. I shushed them even
as I tried to remember if I had let them outside last night or if I had failed
to let them back in earlier. I could remember Matt saying he fed them, so perhaps
he let them outside after that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Shrugging, I let it go. The dogs were
fine, it didn’t matter if the routine was not exactly what it usually was. I
poured myself a glass of juice, looked at the canine exuberance on display and
decided a walk was in order. Pebbles and BamBam seemed thrilled that Barney had
spent the night, but instead of the additional dog giving them more exercise it
seemed to have increased the energy levels of all three. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Neither Mark nor Matt had moved when I
checked on them so I decided to leave them sleep. Outside it was another
beautiful summer morning, this first morning of the new year. I paused in the garden,
sniffing the air in pleasure. The breeze had stirred up a cocktail of floral
scents that delighted my nose and made me glad to be up and about. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The dogs weren’t interested in floral
scents however, all three pulling at their leads with impatience. They wanted
to get to the park where they could sniff far more exciting scents like other
dogs and cats. Maybe they would find that elite aroma of dead cane toad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The park was deserted, not surprising
on New Year’s Day. In fact the whole area was so silent it was easy to imagine
myself as the only person alive. I let the dogs off their leads and threw the
ball for them. At least this way the still got adequate exercise, even if I
lacked the energy to run, or even walk much. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">After half an hour of play I headed
back home, three happy pooches trotting along beside me. At the edge of the
park I paused to attach their leads as I could hear a car approaching. When I
looked up I was astonished to see it was Saffron. She was on her own which
meant that Ben must have come home at some point during the evening. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">She waved at me and drove on, parking
outside my house and waiting on the footpath for me. One eyebrow was raised,
presumably at the presence of Barney, but she said nothing. I tried to study
her expression surreptitiously, searching for a reason for this early morning
visit but could see nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Good morning! I tried to call but when
you didn’t answer I figured you’d be out with the dogs.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I could have been still asleep.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Both eyebrows raised at this. “Possibly,
except that I can’t remember the last time you slept late – concussion excepted.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You have a point. Tea?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Please.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I let the dogs off their leads in the
front yard and watched them race over to the pond to drink. Shaking my head –
there was a bucket of clean water provided for them both at the front and the
back of the house – I preceded Saffron through the front door and into the
kitchen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You’re up early Saffie. I didn’t think
I’d see you for hours yet.” I put the kettle on as I talked and began spooning
tea into the pot. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Yeah, well, Ben staggered home around
3am and I couldn’t sleep after that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I turned to face her, watching her rub
her eyes in a gesture of weariness. “Staggered as in he walked home?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Yep, from his mate’s place across
town. He said he wanted to ring in the new year with me. Then he passed out on
the bed and started snoring loud enough to wake the dead.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Well, at least you were at the top of
his mind.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Saffron shrugged. “I guess. But Cassie,
surely if I was at the top of his mind he would have stayed last night. He would
have been next to me at midnight, not at his mate’s place.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">As I was searching for a reply Matt
wandered into the kitchen, his hair on end, his face rumpled, and wearing only
the boxer shorts he slept in. I had never seen anything so sexy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He paused in the action of running his
hand through his hair when he saw Saffron. “Hi Saffron, fall out of bed?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Saffron was staring at him like he’d
grown a tail. She switched her gaze to me, her expression almost shocked. I
looked from her to Matt and back again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“What?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">She cleared her throat. “Something you
want to tell me?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Comprehension dawned on both of us at the
same time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Sadly no…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Of course not!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I looked at Matt. “Sadly no? It was
your idea!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Doesn’t mean I didn’t want it, you
know that Cassie.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He stared at me, an intense stare that
captured my gaze and would not let me go. There was a wealth of meaning in his
eyes, meaning that I couldn’t interpret but that had me feeling weak at the
knees even from across the kitchen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Ah, kids, you’re not alone.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">It broke the spell and I looked again
at Saffron who was now studying both of us with fascination. “So something went
on after I left. Spill.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Realising that of course she knew
nothing of what transpired with Nathan I filled her in while I finished making
the tea. Matt pulled out some muffins, and put bread in the toaster. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“And</span> <span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">so Matt stayed here in case
Nathan came back, which he didn’t.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Saffron was wide eyed by the time I finished my narrative.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“And then?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“And then what?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“And then what else happened?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Catching onto her meaning I blushed. “Nothing Saffie, really you
need to stop reading those romance novels.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">At my words Matt turned a scorching gaze on me and I blushed
deeper. Flustered, I poured the tea and set a cup down in front of Saffron
before going to the fridge to get the butter. Matt had the same idea and our
hands touched as we both reached for the door. Instead of pulling his hand away
Matt took mine and raised it to his lips. Then he looked at Saffron who was
still wide eyed but for another reason now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“No, really Saffron. Nothing happened. I slept in the lounge on a
mattress. Mark is still asleep in there.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">She groaned in frustration. “You two are like one of those
interminable soap operas. Nothing happens from episode to episode but it keeps
on hinting at it. Tell me you kissed, properly. Tell me that at least.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">At her words my mind flashed to the kisses we had shared. My
blush, which had started to fade, flooded my entire body with a rosy hue. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“It’s hot in here, don’t you think it’s hot? I’ll turn on the fan.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I hurried to the far wall to turn on the ceiling fan. Saffron
watched me, a grin of delight on her face.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You did! Finally, you kissed! How was it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Saffron! Matt’s still here!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt sat down at the table, smug male satisfaction practically
oozing from every pore. “Yes Cassie, do tell. How was it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I glared at them. “You’re impossible, both of you.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Saffron laughed, and winked at Matt who was staring at me, grinning.
I couldn’t help but smile back at them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Before anything else was said Mark wandered in, heading straight
for the fridge. He didn’t bat an eye to see both Saffron and Matt sitting at the
table, instead his eyes were focused on the toast that chose that moment to pop
out of the toaster. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Can I have that?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Of course.” I got up to put more bread in, but Matt beat me to
it, putting the toast on a plate for Mark and handing him a glass for juice. He
slid two more pieces into the toaster and sat back down. Mark grabbed the vegemite
from the pantry and sat down as well. Saffron looked around at us all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Well doesn’t this feel like family,” was all
she said.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
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<br />
<br />Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-24700118467298969402016-01-02T16:30:00.000+10:002016-01-02T16:30:23.720+10:00 Authors - Don't be afraid of 'Industry Standard'<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7J9R1X9Gx1QSPHVgGWFGbGLUmEGvfJ3jymGmnZjBzcjMC57urpYCrSzcr7at6e-UvPyIFfds-zSS5KP6lrs8ZSxvdGMvD7s3R9r30N8OHtGt2y3whT1Cgbgmx9b-u3-6JiC18CWoQOqvm/s1600/dinosaur.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7J9R1X9Gx1QSPHVgGWFGbGLUmEGvfJ3jymGmnZjBzcjMC57urpYCrSzcr7at6e-UvPyIFfds-zSS5KP6lrs8ZSxvdGMvD7s3R9r30N8OHtGt2y3whT1Cgbgmx9b-u3-6JiC18CWoQOqvm/s320/dinosaur.jpg" width="233" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">There are thousands, hundreds of
thousands of writers. In this age most have access to the internet. Authors can
self-publish kindle books and have them live, available for sale, in less than 24
hours. There are millions of books for sale on Amazon alone. <span style="color: red;">Millions</span> of books both <span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">traditionally</span> <span style="color: #5b9bd5; mso-themecolor: accent1;">published</span> and <span style="color: #70ad47; mso-themecolor: accent6;">self-published. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><span style="color: #70ad47; mso-themecolor: accent6;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOf0Br-j4c2pSBzhFUOWc4nX8NpdKz6U591ZCsXSvvxNUSrwBnCSJu7inYjJ1SjoZDJyx-cfGZCnsPHhZ4-6kNuR3GNhU4zC1-nnArRaLYnT-o-0u38u9HSIop8G94Y2P0iN1GGHfTfscf/s1600/millions+of+books.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOf0Br-j4c2pSBzhFUOWc4nX8NpdKz6U591ZCsXSvvxNUSrwBnCSJu7inYjJ1SjoZDJyx-cfGZCnsPHhZ4-6kNuR3GNhU4zC1-nnArRaLYnT-o-0u38u9HSIop8G94Y2P0iN1GGHfTfscf/s320/millions+of+books.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><span style="color: #70ad47; mso-themecolor: accent6;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">Let’s just think about that for a
minute – <span style="color: red;">millions of books</span>. So why make it any
more difficult than necessary to get your book noticed? Do you react to the phrase,
<span style="color: red;">‘industry standard’</span>, as though it is the curse
of mediocrity, insist on sticking to your guns and doing it your way? Bad idea.
Your <span style="color: red;">overall sales ranking</span> is worked out against
all the other books on Amazon. If you want readers to take you seriously as an
author and to choose your book over all the others, you need be professional.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">You invest your book with love and
polish it with care before you publish it on kindle and in paperback format. But,
before you hit that publish button consider your readers. Your readers want to engage
with your story. They don’t want to be distracted by unusual white spaces or to
develop a headache deciphering that fancy font you decided reflected your
story. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgydv7CIG86s1sARlueLl8F-eclNSKkcV0aSWSQW7iCD5OS2Gt_62weg3KDKYq9QB_z6iCyyUSnU9QaIXbKLXF42JOySHPG8yoR5IJYotMVDNsrN1ok4h2gYMQ1Umb8jIwKdjesOCfvq_a6/s1600/reader.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgydv7CIG86s1sARlueLl8F-eclNSKkcV0aSWSQW7iCD5OS2Gt_62weg3KDKYq9QB_z6iCyyUSnU9QaIXbKLXF42JOySHPG8yoR5IJYotMVDNsrN1ok4h2gYMQ1Umb8jIwKdjesOCfvq_a6/s320/reader.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">Spelling, grammar, sentence
structure, and all of the conventions of writing are not archaic rules designed
to hem us in. They are tools, to make it easier for readers to focus on the
story. They are also indicators to readers about the professionalism of the
writer. Break the rules if you must, but don’t break them all, and try not to
break any until you are well known. Here are a few main pointers to help make
your book look more professional.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF1Ta64O4edkm5VDqsk-dPAtRAb8qqzNoh-PWTWEsY2vB9HWrNpMmc8lVwhhZbpXS5dXY0rIAsv_-abLLr5ZQ-CUq8_J8N5Mdcta__VSzU9vjaT3i_1TExGbkpUcHYfHRINSf4Fla_I-3v/s1600/write+on.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF1Ta64O4edkm5VDqsk-dPAtRAb8qqzNoh-PWTWEsY2vB9HWrNpMmc8lVwhhZbpXS5dXY0rIAsv_-abLLr5ZQ-CUq8_J8N5Mdcta__VSzU9vjaT3i_1TExGbkpUcHYfHRINSf4Fla_I-3v/s1600/write+on.jpg" /></a></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Watch those </span><span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">adverbs</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">, they can be like mud around your
readers’ ankles, bogging them down in wordiness. Words like ‘suddenly’ and
‘immediately’ are annoying when used too much, and they are lazy choices. Find
better descriptive verbs instead, even if your favourite word is ‘suddenly’. I read
a book where every action verb was preceded by ‘suddenly’, and by the time I
finished the book I vowed that I would never use that word again.</span></li>
</ul>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyiPO_xAjoxGqFODySE8Oah1rKSI_Y8lYm-jHJVoM-Bx46GBZCo8Rrk0vPlYiGpdVGoX8-gRWmzMFldhweLWdvzZiUSF-nuJHUiLe6V2XyE-vZIWVfqR0Fu40GuxbrEUir9BBjXwij2ZHQ/s1600/exclamation.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyiPO_xAjoxGqFODySE8Oah1rKSI_Y8lYm-jHJVoM-Bx46GBZCo8Rrk0vPlYiGpdVGoX8-gRWmzMFldhweLWdvzZiUSF-nuJHUiLe6V2XyE-vZIWVfqR0Fu40GuxbrEUir9BBjXwij2ZHQ/s1600/exclamation.jpg" /></a></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="color: red; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Exclamation
marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Don’t use them, or if you must
restrict them to dialogue and be sparing. Exclamation marks and <span style="color: red;">CAPS LOCK </span>are distracting and annoying. Readers grow
tired of what comes across as shouting all the time.</span></li>
</ul>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD0bmjsHo0Ew1b2jIm5vfkhcQJw3EyFh6byPNsdangHNCmLgzqKJyfZgX76graaJWUabPtGj4KJfhPEfO_wOSlclrMwzpFgu_3VNY-wKycfuaX2JLqXZbVxtj3geLKLYhr2iA2eNFCX47q/s1600/double+space.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD0bmjsHo0Ew1b2jIm5vfkhcQJw3EyFh6byPNsdangHNCmLgzqKJyfZgX76graaJWUabPtGj4KJfhPEfO_wOSlclrMwzpFgu_3VNY-wKycfuaX2JLqXZbVxtj3geLKLYhr2iA2eNFCX47q/s320/double+space.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Double
spaces at the end of a sentence.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"> This is
something that is hotly debated among writers. There are some who insist it
must be double spaces and they are going to continue using double spaces no
matter what. I can only say, no. Once double spaces were the standard, but now
they are not.</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">In any case, if you type two spaces
at the end of every sentence, and then you convert your book to HTML for
kindle, </span><span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">all those extra
white spaces will be compressed </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">and your book will be published on
kindle with only one space after each sentence. Please don’t tear your hair out
finding ways to keep your double spaces. Books are no longer published with two
spaces at the end of a sentence and have not been for a long time.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfUOho9stdIyQqOXB7gMCyPmkksaeKfEGI8Xv0JOmPnfLNgH8A4dJ7Ho0nnftZXndQ2bog8uaEV74_oUo9F8KMs73gUaaJKF3OGlHsXo0KUWRmbrUF4MqijzzKPCdad77lfIh_bHNKqVlD/s1600/Justification.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfUOho9stdIyQqOXB7gMCyPmkksaeKfEGI8Xv0JOmPnfLNgH8A4dJ7Ho0nnftZXndQ2bog8uaEV74_oUo9F8KMs73gUaaJKF3OGlHsXo0KUWRmbrUF4MqijzzKPCdad77lfIh_bHNKqVlD/s320/Justification.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">There’s a lot of angst about </span><span style="color: red; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">justifying</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"> your pages too. I don’t justify, because I’ve
found that if I do I get a lot of strange </span><span style="color: red; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">white spaces </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">when
my manuscript is converted to kindle. Kindle justifies for me. Some hard copy
books are not justified either these days. So for kindle don’t justify. If you
want your paperback version to be justified do two versions of your manuscript.
One with all the bits you need to do for smooth kindle conversion, and one with
the settings you prefer for the paperback version. I have three versions of
each book – kindle, paperback, and a master copy I use for any changes I make.</span></li>
</ul>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLzLQL600Z_VkzxBtuOltKbZvJqRor-D1zy2x2zN50CeAxoQszeTehJI7Z0El93UnAAszs9m-lV6BgmMtWHwTRkPHYt46xlnLmQvBWn-DERKJvqhuS7ztOE7MyV-45Bh0ZF0mfZxlUatQn/s1600/illegible+writing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="146" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLzLQL600Z_VkzxBtuOltKbZvJqRor-D1zy2x2zN50CeAxoQszeTehJI7Z0El93UnAAszs9m-lV6BgmMtWHwTRkPHYt46xlnLmQvBWn-DERKJvqhuS7ztOE7MyV-45Bh0ZF0mfZxlUatQn/s320/illegible+writing.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Stick
to a plain, easy to read font</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">. Readers need
to commit to your story and your characters. Give them an easy font so they can
immerse themselves in your world. <span style="color: #5b9bd5; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Serif fonts </span>are the ones that have a little line at the end of
each stroke. They are easier to read because the individual letters stand out
more and are easier for the brain to identify. Times New Roman (the font I am
using) is serif, so is </span><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Garamond. </span><span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Sans
serif fonts</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"> are those without the little line –
</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Arial, </span><span style="font-family: 'Century Gothic', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Century Gothic.</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">As you can see from the above
examples, on the computer screen there is not a huge difference. For myself, I
use Times New Roman because it is common, and easy to read. However I also use </span><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi;">Calibri, which is a sans serif font.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"> The recommendation is to use a serif font for the body of your
work, and restrict sans serif to chapter headings etc. However, this is a bit
outdated I feel, since sans serif is also considered easier to read on a
computer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">With most authors having kindle
versions of their books I think the way to approach your font choice is to make
sure it is easy to read. </span><span style="font-family: "Edwardian Script ITC"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi;">Something like Edwardian script may be good for
authenticity in an historical book, but is hard on the eyes after a while.</span><span style="font-family: "Harlow Solid Italic"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You may
have read that you should submit your manuscript to an agent or publisher using
Courier New font because it is the closest to the old typewriter font. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">Don’t, it just makes you look like an amateur. No need to announce
it before they have read a word. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi;">The publishing world is changing
rapidly and it is vital for all authors to keep up with the changes, not fight
against them. To have your best chance at success as an author you need to be
adaptable. So read as much as you can find on self-publishing, but be sure it
is not too old. Even advice from 2010 is frequently out of date, which is
another reason to read as much and as widely as you can. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1046084762399317576.post-37258527462011006412015-12-31T12:00:00.000+10:002015-12-31T12:00:02.752+10:00Cassie's Story - Letters To Myself New Year's special part three<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikXOEK6G0Y52CCSJOAT7jswuLh_dVfJ0oUjqC1AqSkmHx5xSWu3AmdAtz5dP7NXYetYutY8-EKCqpoWFwpO_TqS3BGKUILyc9clUl-jSE_iiMAcJiLNiplwbbnVlU9vMTuYiyDywXk5Qo3/s1600/Letters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikXOEK6G0Y52CCSJOAT7jswuLh_dVfJ0oUjqC1AqSkmHx5xSWu3AmdAtz5dP7NXYetYutY8-EKCqpoWFwpO_TqS3BGKUILyc9clUl-jSE_iiMAcJiLNiplwbbnVlU9vMTuYiyDywXk5Qo3/s320/Letters.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Myself-Sheryl-Lee-ebook/dp/B0101A1520">Letters To Myself</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">And here is part three of the New Year's Special. Have a fantastic New Year all of you, stay safe and have a wonderful night whatever you do.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUppGFz2oJjmhZT8yIxPn6dDXTbTxS2a_SnrZRr4Ixj-5U-lrVc9zxBWhniyhTKXnI26rwoSrKrPDLJ2nEtnQo73iFzxWdLEv-dTEEFipvuvo6uYQkDPOkdMSU-RK9DLJLnYG-WS4Wm4cs/s1600/New_Years_Toast.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUppGFz2oJjmhZT8yIxPn6dDXTbTxS2a_SnrZRr4Ixj-5U-lrVc9zxBWhniyhTKXnI26rwoSrKrPDLJ2nEtnQo73iFzxWdLEv-dTEEFipvuvo6uYQkDPOkdMSU-RK9DLJLnYG-WS4Wm4cs/s320/New_Years_Toast.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Before I knew it, it was midnight.
Everyone kissed. Nathan was quick to kiss both Julia and I, kisses that were a
touch too firm and a touch too long. But neither of us said anything, just
exchanged a look with each other of complete understanding. Matt kissed my
hand, met my eyes and said softly, “later”. I shivered in response, but my
attention was drawn to Saffron, sitting by herself. Where was Ben?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I went to sit with her. “Saffie?
Where’s Ben?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“He got a call from one of his friends,
who wanted him to come to another party and he left.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“He left? When? Is he coming back?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“An hour or so ago. I don’t think he is
Cassie.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Oh Saffie.” I didn’t have any words,
so I just put my arm around her in a hug and sat with her. Matt raised his eyebrows
at me and I shrugged. He mouthed, “Ben?” and I nodded. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Saffron roused herself. “I think I’ll
get the girls and go home Cassie.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Saffie don’t go, stay here tonight.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“No, I want to be alone. I need to
think. Thank you Cassie, I’ll come over with the girls in the morning, ok?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I could see she was determined so
didn’t argue any further. I walked her and the girls out to her car. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You’re sure you are ok to drive?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Oh yes, I didn’t drink much Cassie, I
was the designated driver anyway.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I stood watching her go, my heart heavy
for my friend. It was maddening really, I was sure Ben loved her, but he
wouldn’t, or couldn’t, give up his single lifestyle even though they had been
married for nearly fifteen years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I turned to go back inside and saw a shadow
moving near the footpath. Nathan walked towards me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Cassie, you look so lovely tonight. I
didn’t kiss you properly yet.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Nathan, you’ve kissed me happy new
year, go back to Lucy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Lucy’s not you Cassie, she will never
be you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Nonetheless she’s the one you chose.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“It was a mistake, the biggest mistake
of my life. I want you back Cassie.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I felt a tingle of fear but pushed it
down. What could Nathan do here in my own front yard with so many people close
by?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Nathan it’s all in the past now. We’ve
both moved on.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Have we Cassie, have we really? I
haven’t. I still dream about you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I was beginning to feel annoyed, which
served to drive the fear away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“We are divorced Nathan, you are
engaged to Lucy. There is no relationship between us any more except that of
parents to Mark.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Nathan came closer, slid his hand
behind my neck, tilted my chin up with his other hand. “Cassie, I could always
win you around.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I stood my ground. “No Nathan, not this
time.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He rubbed his thumb up and down my neck.
“Sure I can, I know what you like Cassie, I can turn you on in an instant.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You can’t Nathan. I don’t want you.
Please leave.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Cassie, Cassie, Cassie. That’s just
words. It’s ok, I’m your husband.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Nathan you’re not my husband any more,
not for a long time. Please let go of me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He shook his head. “Not yet.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Keeping one hand on the back of my neck
he slid the other around my waist and pulled me firmly against him. In the same
motion he kissed me, grinding his lips against mine. I began to feel fear,
perhaps nobody had noticed I had been gone too long and that Nathan was also
missing. I pushed against his chest, twisted my head away from his mouth.
Nathan just tightened his grip and held my head in place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Stop fighting, you know you want it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I don’t Nathan, please stop.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“That’s a good idea, why don’t you let
her go?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I sagged in relief as I heard Matt’s
voice. He spoke evenly, calmly, but his voice carried authority. Nathan let me
go, turned to face Matt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“She likes it rough, you should know
that by now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Without another word he pushed past
Matt, who ignored him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Are you ok?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I’m fine, he only kissed me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Did he hurt you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“No, he was horrible but he didn’t hurt
me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt wrapped his arms around me and I
sank onto his firm chest, breathing in the Matt smell that I didn’t know until
now was so familiar. He stroked the back of my head, smoothing my hair under
the cap that was still sitting on my head. I would have to commend Saffron on
her excellent pinning skills.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I’m staying here tonight.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“OK.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt pulled back. “No arguments, just
ok?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“No arguments. I don’t want to be alone
tonight.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Oh Cassie, you’re breaking my heart. I
promise, I will always protect you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I smiled against his chest. “I know.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Pulling back I patted his puffy white
shirt at shoulder level. “There’s a shoulder under all this puffiness isn’t
there?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt puffed out his chest. “The
manliest shoulder you could get.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I laughed, grateful once again that he
was in my life. “We’d better go back around, folk will be wanting to leave
soon.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">We walked around the side of the house
back to the party. Nathan was </span><span style="font-size: 18.6667px; line-height: 21.4667px;">chivying</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> Lucy along to get going as it was time
to go home. She looked from him to me, but said nothing. I felt sorry for her,
Nathan had not changed, but her life was going to change in ways she could not
imagine. Nor could I warn her about it, she would not listen to me any more
than I would have listened to Julia. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I went over to where Julia was sitting
with John and Andrew, Matt my shadow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Is Saffron ok?” Julia was looking
concerned. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Honestly? I don’t know. I hope so.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">She leaned in close to me. “I saw
Nathan go around the side of the house and he looked angry when he came back.
Are you ok?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I patted her hand. “I’m fine Julia.
I’ll tell you what happened another day.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">She nodded. “Ok, so long as you’re ok.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I am, don’t worry.” In a louder voice
I added. “Thank you so much for coming tonight Julia. And lovely to meet you
too John, I hope we see you again.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">We chatted amiably for a few more minutes,
before they got up to leave. “We’d better get going. Emmie has that party for
her friend tomorrow.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Within an hour everyone had left except
Matt. “I’m still not leaving. Nathan is in a snit, I’m not leaving you alone.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Really, I don’t think he will come
back, but I’m glad you’re staying Matt. I feel a bit shaken.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I’m not surprised.” He looked around.
“Right, let’s get this place cleaned up so we don’t have to do it in the
morning.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I knew there was a good reason for
letting you stay.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">With the house set to rights I turned
my attention to Mark, sleeping on one of the mattresses in the lounge. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Will you leave him or do you want him
in bed?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I think I’ll leave him. I don’t want
to wake him.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Your call. Would you like a glass of
wine? Or a cup of tea?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I considered it. “I don’t think I’ve
drunk anything since just after dinner. I think I’d like a glass of wine.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Follow me.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I followed Matt into the kitchen,
watching as he fished around in one of the esky coolers next to the fridge. He
came up with a half bottle of wine, moisture glistening like miniature diamonds
on its sides.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“What’s that?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Champagne. The girl at the bottle shop
gave it to me this afternoon.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Oh she did? She probably hoped you
would split it with her.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt shrugged. “Maybe, but I only want
to share it with you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He poured two champagne flutes and
handed one to me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Cheers lovely wench. May this year
bring you all that you desire.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I clinked glasses with him. “Cheers
rakish pirate. May all your wishes come true.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I sipped the champagne, which was
excellent. Matt was staring at me. I looked up at him, surprised that he hadn’t
tasted his yet. “Matt?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt put down his glass, took mine and
put it next to his, and pulled me unresistingly into his arms. His lips found
mine and he kissed me gently, slowly. I sighed into his mouth, it was the
sweetest kiss I had ever received. I could feel my bones melting – I thought
that was just a corny line in a romance novel but it was actually happening. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt deepened the kiss and I responded
without reservation. Sparks were shooting all over my body, I felt like I had
been plugged into electricity. It was delicious, he was delicious. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">When he raised his head I felt
deprived. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“That’s one of my New Year’s wishes, to
taste this wine from your lips.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Oh my. “And your other wishes?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“To taste all of you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Did you know that your knees really can
give way? I didn’t. Luckily my groping hand found the back of a chair and I
sank down into it, quite possibly the most ungraceful movement ever as I hit
the edge and nearly fell off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt smiled at me, brown eyes glowing. “Klutz.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He pulled up a chair and sat next to
me. Taking my hand in his he traced little circles on the back of it. My whole
body was so sensitized it felt like small circles of fire. I had never been so
deeply affected by anyone, not even Nathan at the start of our relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Cassie I’m not going to push you. I’m
not going to kiss you senseless and take you to bed – although you can be sure
I want to. We’ll take this slow, even if it kills me.” He shifted uncomfortably
on his chair. “And it just might.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“So where do we go from here?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I walk you to your room and kiss you
goodnight. Then I spend an uncomfortable night on one of the mattresses in the lounge,
cursing my gentlemanly ways.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He stood and extended his hand. “Come
on comely wench. Bed time.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I took his hand and let him pull me to
my feet. As he did so I realized how exhausted I was. It had been a long,
eventful day. At my door Matt took my face in his hands, echoing the previous
evening when Barney had ruined the moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“The dogs, I haven’t fed the dogs!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I have, and Barney is here too. I went
to get him earlier.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I relaxed. “Where would I be without
you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Not being kissed senseless.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt proceeded to do just that. When he
raised his head I put my hand on his cheek. “You don’t have to spend an
uncomfortable night on a mattress.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He smiled. “I know. But I vowed I would
never push you, hurt you, or make you cry. So slow it is, and the mattress for
me. Besides, I want our first time together to be unforgettable.” He winked and
gave me a gentle push into my room. I went, and sat on my bed. Oh my.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Sheryl Leehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07709164247833962277noreply@blogger.com0