Cassie's Story - Letters To Myself

Monday, so it’s Cassie day:

I sat and twisted my hands as I watched Sue reading my letter. It was Friday, so I was already feeling anxious that date night was looming, and watching Sue frowning over her glasses was making me even more nervous. Realising that my hands were a dead giveaway to my anxiety I forced them to lie still in my lap. There they lay, feeling like pieces of dead meat. So I picked up my coffee and took a sip just to give my hopeless hands something to do.

Sue looked at me over the rim of her glasses, making me feel like a student about to attempt a report on a book she had failed to read.

“So, how do you feel about yourself now that you’ve written this?”

I blinked, taken unawares. I was expecting her to ask me if I was feeling happier about going out with Matt, not about my thoughts on my letter. Of course, it was the logical thing to be asking and more proof (as if I needed it) that I was focusing far too much on this dinner.

“Well, still the same I think. I understand now that I am still feeling like I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t know how to stop that.”

Sue continued to stare at me. I had been seeing her regularly for a few years now and recognized that she wasn’t really staring at me, but organizing her thoughts. Usually that meant she was trying to think of a way to say something in a manner least likely to upset or frighten me. I took another sip of coffee and braced myself.

She surprised me by smiling in amusement. “You don’t have to look like you’re going to the firing squad! I was only going to say that perhaps you should write some more letters to yourself.”

She paused and I waited for the real point, which was almost certain to be a sharp one.

“Perhaps when you go out tomorrow night you should try to relax and not anticipate anything or try to control the night. Do you think you can do that and still feel safe?”

I turned her words around in my head. It sounded innocuous enough, but I knew that Sue had a whole arsenal of innocuous seeming phrases that were designed to get me to think about my motives and actions.

“I’ve never tried to control things at our dinners before now, I don’t need to try to feel safe with Matt, I know I am.”

She smiled and I groaned inwardly. I had walked right into that one. Thinking that she wanted to encourage me to relax and be myself, when her real point was to show me that I felt safe with Matt.  

“Okay, yes I feel safe with Matt, so I don’t need to worry about this dinner. It’s not Matt I’m worried about, it’s me.”

Sue said nothing, just sat back in her chair, an aura of satisfaction lighting up the room – or that was how it seemed to me. Bingo, she had hit the nail on the head.

“Oooohhhhh, I’m worried about how I will act, not about how Matt will act. I know that he will not do anything unless he is sure that I want it. I’m worried that I will want something that I feel I shouldn’t have and don’t deserve.”

“Is that how you feel?”

I thought about it some more. “Yes, something inside me has changed, I’m noticing Matt in a way I haven’t done before. But I still feel that I don’t deserve it so I don’t want to do anything wrong tomorrow night.”

“What do you think would be wrong? Enjoying his company? Having a good night?”

I shrugged. “I guess not, I always have fun when we go out. But Matt is a wonderful man, he deserves someone better than me.”

“Who says that, you? Matt? Who do you think should decide who or what is better for Matt?”

I squirmed in my seat, and drank some more coffee in an attempt to calm the spirals I could feel tightening inside. Not especially clever, trying to calm stretched nerves with caffeine. “Okay, okay, so I should stop trying to decide Matt’s future and I should stop anticipating things that may not happen.” Aware that my voice was beginning to sound whiny I tacked on a smile and added, “And of course you are right, I am imagining problems that may not exist, and anticipating things that may not happen, and generally working myself up for no reason.”

Sue smiled, her gentle smile that always did more to release the tension than any amount of breathing exercises could manage. “Cassie, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s only natural that you feel nervous.  As you have told yourself, there has been a shift inside you. But that doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing, or even a good thing. It’s just a shift. It’s a sign of healing. Don’t worry so much and have a good night. Can you do that?”

“I guess.” I knew my voice sounded uncertain, and I was uncertain. For some reason this dinner felt like it was going to be a turning point and I just didn’t feel ready or right about it.

“Why do you feel so anxious, can you put it into words?”

“I feel like everything is going to change, and I don’t want it to. I like the way things are, it’s light and easy, and safe.”

Sue scribbled into her notebook, before looking over her glasses at me. “You like things the way they are, because it’s safe. That’s very normal Cassie, after what you’ve been through with Nathan. And you don’t like change, so you’re feeling confronted on two counts. Does that sound right?”

“Yes, I don’t want things to change. I like my friendship with Matt, I like being independent.”

“Ah, independent. Of course, that makes complete sense.”

I looked at Sue in confusion. “It does? What does?”

“Cassie, with Nathan you lost all of your independence, you almost lost yourself. No wonder you are afraid of a new relationship, you’ve worked so hard to become complete again.”

I stared at Sue, she was right, as she usually was. “You’re right, I’m afraid of losing myself again. What if I do it again, like I did with Nathan? What if I disappear again? What if I start doing things to please him and keep him happy?”

Sue leaned forward in her seat, compassion practically oozing from her pores.

“Cassie, listen to yourself, are you describing Matt, or Nathan?”

Her words stopped me short, and I replayed what I had said, what I was thinking. I was panicking. Realising that I had also stopped breathing I drew in a deep breath.  “Nathan, I’m describing Nathan. Matt isn’t Nathan, Matt won’t do that to me. I won’t lose myself in a relationship with Matt. Will I?”

Sue smiled, and picked up her coffee. Almost unconsciously I mirrored her and picked up my own, taking a large mouthful of the rapidly cooling brew.

“Cassie, your experience with Nathan has coloured your perception of all relationships, that’s natural. Think about your friendship with Matt, think about the man you know. Do you think that you are at risk of losing yourself, remembering how far you have come?”

I thought about it, tried to think objectively. “I don’t know, I don’t think Matt is that sort of man, and I think that I am strong enough to not let it happen. But I don’t know.”

Sue nodded. “Fair enough. So let me ask another question. Do you want to go out with Matt tomorrow night?”

I nodded my head. I did, and I was beginning to feel foolish about making such an issue of it.

“Okay, then go out with him, enjoy yourself, and don’t worry about things so much. Can you do that? Will you feel safe doing that?”

I nodded again. “I trust Matt, I really do. I don’t know why I am being so silly, I’ve made an Everest out of an ant hill.”

“Not at all Cassie, your concerns are understandable given your past. You’ve come a long way, and deep down you know you deserve happiness – you told yourself that. It may take time to fully believe it, but you have time Cassie. Just relax, enjoy and remember it’s only dinner.”

Feeling a bit like one of those bouncy toys on a car dashboard I nodded one last time. Sue slapped her notebook on the table beside her and pushed her glasses up her nose. I gathered my bag and prepared to leave.

“How’s the business going? Did you find a driver yet?”

Used by now to the switch from counselor to friends I took the subject change in my stride. “I’ll have an ad running tomorrow in the paper. I don’t know why I’m having so much trouble finding a driver for the new van. But I’m sure the right one will turn up. You need a second job?”

Sue laughed. “No, this one is quite enough thanks. Good luck, for the new driver and tomorrow night.”

I threw a smile back at her and left, my thoughts going again to the next night. What on earth was I going to wear?

Letters To Myself

And now for something a little bit controversial

Today I’m going to touch on something a little bit controversial. As you would know by now, I try to stay away from controversial topics here, mainly because I believe that you cannot change anyone’s mind unless they are open to it. And people who have strong beliefs tend not to wish to change their mind.

So today I’m only going to touch on this topic, just to try to get one point across. Now as you would all know I love animals, I love them more than people in most instances. I believe that the worst sort of human gets pleasure out of torturing an animal, and that’s not the topic here. Here it’s more about how nothing in life is black and white, there are always shades of grey.

In a couple of months I will be travelling, something I did not intend nor expect. But it’s happening and it’s not something I can change. I will be keeping up the rent on an apartment and there will be someone living here and taking care of my cats while I am gone. It’s the only way that I feel I can be sure my cats will be happy and properly looked after. Here animal care is different to more prosperous parts of the world.

You all know that I love my cats, I adore them and if I could bring them with me I would. But I can’t so this is the best way I know for them to be cared for. A few weeks ago we had an earthquake, the first one I have been in and it started me thinking. Yes I know that seems off topic but it will come together for you in a minute. These thoughts led me to this blog post so bear with me while I set up how my train of thought went.

First, I want you to consider; if an earthquake or something similar happened to create a situation where my cats were in danger and I could rescue them, where I would be hurt but not killed, would I do it? Would you do it? For me, yes of course I would. But let’s add in something else. What if I had the choice of saving my child and my cats? Again of course I would, my child first and then my cats. Now, consider; what if I could save my child, go back to save my cats but with the high possibility that I would be killed in saving my cats. Would I do it? My answer is no, I would not take the risk of leaving my child motherless. I would not make him carry the guilt of knowing that I saved him, then tried to save my cats and died in the act.

If I didn’t have children would I try to save my cats? I think I would, but I do have children and my first responsibility is to them. This is the sensitive part of the topic, because there are people who passionately believe one should put the animals first, take any risk to save them. There are people who would say that I should die rescuing my cats, and that my son would be proud that I sacrificed myself to save them. I understand that, just the thought of having to allow my cats to die fills me with anticipatory grief. I would be devastated if that scenario actually happened, I would grieve for months, years even. I do not think I would ever be able to have another cat. But, I would still have to take that decision, because my children come first. My son may be proud that I tried to save my cats, but he would still be without a mother – and right now he would be in a strange country without a mother.

This is what I mean by shades of grey. No decision is ever straight forward, no choice is made without something being sacrificed. Here, there are dozens, hundreds of street cats and dogs. I have three cats, if I had the space and the funds I could go outside today and bring home a dozen more. And another dozen would take their place. I could take every kitten and cat that is rescued and needs a home, I could end up with hundreds of cats. I would love to be in a position where I could give a safe home to hundreds of cats. But I’m not, and I can’t. Maybe in the future I will find a way to do it, but not now. So that means when I read on one of the animal care pages about a cat needing a home I can’t take it, even if it means that cat will be put back on the street. I don’t have the space or the money to take another one and continue to give the same level of care to the ones I have now.

The people of this country, and other poor countries, are not necessarily deliberately unkind to the animals. In some cases yes, just as there are cases of cruelty to animals in any country and any society. But in others it’s a variety of reasons that leads to poor decisions – poverty, ignorance (by which I mean uneducated ignorance), unexpected circumstances. If people are never taught how to properly look after animals, how can they be expected to do so with the ones they have? If people are desperately poor then it’s natural that they will feed their families first, and the animals after. When people are trying to stay alive themselves they don’t have anything left over to give to animals. This is a generalization I know. I’ve seen desperately poor men sharing their bread with the street animals. I’ve seen acts of kindness and acts of unthinking cruelty.

I believe that education is the key, and so do most of the animal shelters. That’s why many of them encourage school visits to the shelters. That’s why many of them go into schools to teach the children how to properly care for animals. With education comes a better understanding and better treatment of the animals, and it starts with the children. But, you can only do the best you can, and sometimes you have to make decisions that others will not agree with.

A few of the shelters here are heavily criticized for not taking in every animal that is in need. They take what they can, but they have to consider the animals they already have. Animal shelters do not have unlimited funds, they have a responsibility to the animals they have already, they have a responsibility to their staff. In the same way that I would have to sacrifice my cats in order to take care of my son in my scenario, animal shelters have to sacrifice some in order to take care of the ones they have.

What can the people who love animals do? Wherever you live, chances are there is an animal shelter near you. If so there are a number of ways you can help. You can donate, or become a volunteer. You can adopt, or foster, or tell everyone you know to adopt. When you adopt an animal from a shelter you save two lives – you save the animal you take home, and you save the animal that can take its place. There are so many cute, funny, friendly, sweet, loving, beautiful animals in shelters – or in the streets in some parts of the world. A rescue animal will give you companionship, love and loyalty.  There is no animal more loving than a rescue animal, the rewards greatly outweigh the expense.

The shelter best known around here is the Bluemoon, it’s the one I’m trying to figure out how best to present in a book. The Bluemoon does as much as it can for the animals, but it is not wealthy so it is restricted in what it can do. Monique is a remarkable woman, someone who loves all animals and is sad every time she has to turn one away. But she has to, in order to look after the ones she has. She herself lives a very simple life, all that she has goes into the shelter. If you want to check out her Facebook page the link is here: Bluemoon Animal Shelter

It seems fitting that I share photos of my cats here, all Egyptian street cats. They share the DNA of the cats that were revered by the ancient Egyptians, they are almost unchanged from those days. They are magnificent animals and should all be cherished. 

Topaz when I first brought her off the streets, and now

Amadeus, the biggest cat I have ever had

Sabrina, I know you've seen her before in her book

Sabrina and Amadeus are a bonded pair