Cassie's Story - Letters To Myself

Monday, so it’s Cassie day:

I sat and twisted my hands as I watched Sue reading my letter. It was Friday, so I was already feeling anxious that date night was looming, and watching Sue frowning over her glasses was making me even more nervous. Realising that my hands were a dead giveaway to my anxiety I forced them to lie still in my lap. There they lay, feeling like pieces of dead meat. So I picked up my coffee and took a sip just to give my hopeless hands something to do.

Sue looked at me over the rim of her glasses, making me feel like a student about to attempt a report on a book she had failed to read.

“So, how do you feel about yourself now that you’ve written this?”

I blinked, taken unawares. I was expecting her to ask me if I was feeling happier about going out with Matt, not about my thoughts on my letter. Of course, it was the logical thing to be asking and more proof (as if I needed it) that I was focusing far too much on this dinner.

“Well, still the same I think. I understand now that I am still feeling like I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t know how to stop that.”

Sue continued to stare at me. I had been seeing her regularly for a few years now and recognized that she wasn’t really staring at me, but organizing her thoughts. Usually that meant she was trying to think of a way to say something in a manner least likely to upset or frighten me. I took another sip of coffee and braced myself.

She surprised me by smiling in amusement. “You don’t have to look like you’re going to the firing squad! I was only going to say that perhaps you should write some more letters to yourself.”

She paused and I waited for the real point, which was almost certain to be a sharp one.

“Perhaps when you go out tomorrow night you should try to relax and not anticipate anything or try to control the night. Do you think you can do that and still feel safe?”

I turned her words around in my head. It sounded innocuous enough, but I knew that Sue had a whole arsenal of innocuous seeming phrases that were designed to get me to think about my motives and actions.

“I’ve never tried to control things at our dinners before now, I don’t need to try to feel safe with Matt, I know I am.”

She smiled and I groaned inwardly. I had walked right into that one. Thinking that she wanted to encourage me to relax and be myself, when her real point was to show me that I felt safe with Matt.  

“Okay, yes I feel safe with Matt, so I don’t need to worry about this dinner. It’s not Matt I’m worried about, it’s me.”

Sue said nothing, just sat back in her chair, an aura of satisfaction lighting up the room – or that was how it seemed to me. Bingo, she had hit the nail on the head.

“Oooohhhhh, I’m worried about how I will act, not about how Matt will act. I know that he will not do anything unless he is sure that I want it. I’m worried that I will want something that I feel I shouldn’t have and don’t deserve.”

“Is that how you feel?”

I thought about it some more. “Yes, something inside me has changed, I’m noticing Matt in a way I haven’t done before. But I still feel that I don’t deserve it so I don’t want to do anything wrong tomorrow night.”

“What do you think would be wrong? Enjoying his company? Having a good night?”

I shrugged. “I guess not, I always have fun when we go out. But Matt is a wonderful man, he deserves someone better than me.”

“Who says that, you? Matt? Who do you think should decide who or what is better for Matt?”

I squirmed in my seat, and drank some more coffee in an attempt to calm the spirals I could feel tightening inside. Not especially clever, trying to calm stretched nerves with caffeine. “Okay, okay, so I should stop trying to decide Matt’s future and I should stop anticipating things that may not happen.” Aware that my voice was beginning to sound whiny I tacked on a smile and added, “And of course you are right, I am imagining problems that may not exist, and anticipating things that may not happen, and generally working myself up for no reason.”

Sue smiled, her gentle smile that always did more to release the tension than any amount of breathing exercises could manage. “Cassie, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s only natural that you feel nervous.  As you have told yourself, there has been a shift inside you. But that doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing, or even a good thing. It’s just a shift. It’s a sign of healing. Don’t worry so much and have a good night. Can you do that?”

“I guess.” I knew my voice sounded uncertain, and I was uncertain. For some reason this dinner felt like it was going to be a turning point and I just didn’t feel ready or right about it.

“Why do you feel so anxious, can you put it into words?”

“I feel like everything is going to change, and I don’t want it to. I like the way things are, it’s light and easy, and safe.”

Sue scribbled into her notebook, before looking over her glasses at me. “You like things the way they are, because it’s safe. That’s very normal Cassie, after what you’ve been through with Nathan. And you don’t like change, so you’re feeling confronted on two counts. Does that sound right?”

“Yes, I don’t want things to change. I like my friendship with Matt, I like being independent.”

“Ah, independent. Of course, that makes complete sense.”

I looked at Sue in confusion. “It does? What does?”

“Cassie, with Nathan you lost all of your independence, you almost lost yourself. No wonder you are afraid of a new relationship, you’ve worked so hard to become complete again.”

I stared at Sue, she was right, as she usually was. “You’re right, I’m afraid of losing myself again. What if I do it again, like I did with Nathan? What if I disappear again? What if I start doing things to please him and keep him happy?”

Sue leaned forward in her seat, compassion practically oozing from her pores.

“Cassie, listen to yourself, are you describing Matt, or Nathan?”

Her words stopped me short, and I replayed what I had said, what I was thinking. I was panicking. Realising that I had also stopped breathing I drew in a deep breath.  “Nathan, I’m describing Nathan. Matt isn’t Nathan, Matt won’t do that to me. I won’t lose myself in a relationship with Matt. Will I?”

Sue smiled, and picked up her coffee. Almost unconsciously I mirrored her and picked up my own, taking a large mouthful of the rapidly cooling brew.

“Cassie, your experience with Nathan has coloured your perception of all relationships, that’s natural. Think about your friendship with Matt, think about the man you know. Do you think that you are at risk of losing yourself, remembering how far you have come?”

I thought about it, tried to think objectively. “I don’t know, I don’t think Matt is that sort of man, and I think that I am strong enough to not let it happen. But I don’t know.”

Sue nodded. “Fair enough. So let me ask another question. Do you want to go out with Matt tomorrow night?”

I nodded my head. I did, and I was beginning to feel foolish about making such an issue of it.

“Okay, then go out with him, enjoy yourself, and don’t worry about things so much. Can you do that? Will you feel safe doing that?”

I nodded again. “I trust Matt, I really do. I don’t know why I am being so silly, I’ve made an Everest out of an ant hill.”

“Not at all Cassie, your concerns are understandable given your past. You’ve come a long way, and deep down you know you deserve happiness – you told yourself that. It may take time to fully believe it, but you have time Cassie. Just relax, enjoy and remember it’s only dinner.”

Feeling a bit like one of those bouncy toys on a car dashboard I nodded one last time. Sue slapped her notebook on the table beside her and pushed her glasses up her nose. I gathered my bag and prepared to leave.

“How’s the business going? Did you find a driver yet?”

Used by now to the switch from counselor to friends I took the subject change in my stride. “I’ll have an ad running tomorrow in the paper. I don’t know why I’m having so much trouble finding a driver for the new van. But I’m sure the right one will turn up. You need a second job?”

Sue laughed. “No, this one is quite enough thanks. Good luck, for the new driver and tomorrow night.”

I threw a smile back at her and left, my thoughts going again to the next night. What on earth was I going to wear?

Letters To Myself