Sunday, June 16, 2013


I am an impulsive person, which does not sit very well with my aversion to change I know, but there you go. I react before I think, make spontaneous decisions (because remember it's ok to be spontaneous so long as it's me doing it!) and regret on an almost daily basis things I say to people I care about that I say without proper thought.

I am what those who love to generalise will call a typical woman. I am emotional, irrational and I act without thought a lot of the time. I am also logical, rational and methodical and often I can be both ends of the spectrum in the same day - in the same minute sometimes! My emotions control my thoughts, or it feels that way to me. I lie awake in the wee small hours of the morning and over-think things, creating problems where none exist. In the light of day (after multiple cups of tea which seems to act as a mood regulator for me) I realise that my thoughts were pointless and irrational and really only good for future storylines.

I react, then I think, and then I regret. I never seem to learn to think, not react and not regret. It's a much better way of doing things, if only these pesky emotions could be less, well less emotional! So I stumble and lurch my way through life, reacting from an emotional basis rather than an intellectual one. I cry at sad movies, especially ones where the dog dies, but also ones in which a character that I have become fond of is suddenly and shockingly hit by a truck and BAM she's gone (happened to me in a movie last night - One Day it's called so if you hate a sad ending don't watch it).

I over-react, speak impulsively, regret what I said and then do it again. That's probably another reason why I like to write. That script in my head that tries to write the storyline - when I am totally emotional and impulsive it completely fails me, the conversation never ever goes even close to what the script says it will. Life is messy like that, can't control even my own emotions let alone someone else's words. My script is always trying to do re-writes on the fly, not just from my emotional outbursts but even in regular conversations. And then there are the conversations with people who have their own mental issues that make them not only unpredictable but also contradictory and the script shows signs of wear and tear (as does my brain).

So back to another reason why I like to write which I am sure is obvious. Control. When I write I can control the characters (to a point, they do have minds of their own) and I can control their conversations. The sense of relief is huge, being able to direct conversations the way they should go, instead of the way they go in real life (okay, that is said from the perspective of someone who perhaps has a little issue with order). I can write arguments that go any way I want them to go. I can make my characters rational, irrational, impulsive or thoughtful. So long as they stay true to their basic character - which of course I know better than my own - it's fine. Everyone is impulsive, irrational and foolish some of the time (some of us more than others). The trick is to make it believable. The trick with real life is that irrational emotional outbursts can be completely unbelievable!

Real life is messy and confusing, it can be upsetting, frightening and dramatic. It can be dull, boring, predictable and routine. There are low points where it seems there is no way out, high points that are frightening because of the fear they will not last and the fall will be worse in contrast. There are times when we seems to be merely existing rather than living, marking time instead of living it. And there are intervals, like shining gems in a necklace of beads, when everything is so perfect that the desire is to somehow grab time and stop it, just live in the moment forever.

Just as real life is not perfect, neither are people. We use words clumsily and convey our meaning imperfectly. We make decisions that seemed reasonable at the time but in hindsight are stunning in their stupidity. We can soar with the eagles and sink like a stone. We are all human, we make mistakes. We are all on a journey of self awareness and self improvement. And we should all forgive ourselves our mistakes and learn to love ourselves. Be kind to others for sure, but don't forget also to be kind to yourself.

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