We all do it right? Procrastinate, put off doing what we should be doing by getting busy with other things that we convince ourselves are equally important. I certainly do whenever it comes to writing, especially if I have a whole day free. I kind of have an excuse, since I am currently half a world and more away from where I usually have my feet planted on the ground. But since I set aside the next few days to write, away from my usual daily distractions and responsibilities, that really is not an excuse - even though from my balcony I have an awesome view of the Mediterranean Sea and the voices and constant cacophony of horns drifting up from below underlines that I am a long, long way from home. Still, I am supposed to be writing and I have managed successfully to be 'busy' most of the day without doing so.
Even now I am procrastinating, although I have actually been writing and am taking a break from the werewolf world I am creating. I don't know why I do it, apparently it is a common feature of writers the world over and I don't know why other writers do it either. For when I start I always, invariably, feel at one with the universe. Grandiose words I know, but it's hard to explain this connection I always feel with something outside of myself when I write. I don't know why since the words I write are flowing out of my head in a constant stream, but my fingers feel connected to something else. I expect it's just my weirdness.
I should have done a smooth segue to this paragraph, move onto my second topic without losing the focus and attention of you dear reader. But I don't have a smooth segue, the second topic is involved with writing, kind of, and with my current location more so. After all, I have been writing about my imminent leap of faith into the world and obviously I have done it and am still doing it, taking those steps I was so afraid of. Jumping without a parachute, etc etc etc. I've been full of self doubt, full of anxiety, it's so hard for me to take a step without planning the next one. But here I am, flying blind, no real plans from day to day. And it's ok, I feel ok about it. I feel like I'm accessing a whole new side of me that I never knew existed, and letting go a little of the controlling person I usually am. And that feels pretty good too. So while I went through a lot of extreme anxiety to get here, I think it was worth it. I lost a lot of weight, hardly ever ate as happens whenever I am stressed. But I think I am changing, becoming a better, freer person. I was so afraid I had made a big big mistake, but now I feel good about my decision. I followed my instincts and those instincts were right. And that's a good feeling.
I think we should all learn to trust our instincts. There is a difference of course between listening to that internal compass, and blindly following desires that may or may not feel right. I have in the past been very good at acting impulsively and without thought. I have learned that when I do that, I am in fact following my instincts. My impulses have always led me to where I am supposed to be. I know family members have despaired of me at times, I have done things that seem to have come completely from left field, leaving them baffled. But for me, to follow my instincts means to act on impulses. This was an impulse, but one that I thought and re-thought many times. I agonised in fact because it is the first time my instincts directed me to throw myself into the future without a plan.
So far, and of course it is early days, it is working. So far, I am learning things about myself that I needed to learn. I am digging deep into myself and being even more introspective than I usually am. I am surprising myself with the things I am doing and the sudden decisions I am making without any real idea of why I am making them. And it's working. I feel alive, a little afraid, but definitely alive. And it's good, it's a very good feeling to feel alive. Where all this will lead me in the end, I still don't know. I still have big decisions to make about my life and no idea of what they will be and where I will end up. But for now, here, listening to cheerful traffic chaos beneath me, seeing the serene blue of the Mediterranean, writing this blog and about to return to the werewolf word, I feel at peace. And that's a very good thing.
My world is still in chaos, but I am beginning to believe, much like the noisy chaos below me, that if I go with the flow, stay positive, accept the chaos and go with it, everything will turn out well in the end and I will reach my destination - whatever and wherever that may be.