We all live in an internal world to some extent, some of us more than others. I'm one of the more than ones in case you hadn't already figured it out! Sometimes in this life we have people around us that totally get us, and at other times we feel completely alone in our particular brand of weirdness. I spent a large portion of my life believing there was nobody who would ever be able to understand me or even wish to. So I developed a rich internal life as I suspect most authors do - although I have absolutely no statistics on that, it's just one of the random thoughts that pop into my head from time to time and that seem to make complete sense. After all, the worlds that are built up from nothing more than imagination must surely come from a mind that spends a lot of time wandering around within itself rather than out in the real world.
I have never felt lonely in the way a lot of people do without someone to talk to or interact with. Well that has been true for most of my life anyway, perhaps not so much lately - but that's another story. I have always been comfortable with my own company, content with a good book or a notebook of clean paper to fill with words. I've spent hours daydreaming, wandering around in the countryside or along a beach. I have no problems with long haul flights (except for the jetlag) so long as I have books for my companions. I spent a large chunk of my childhood on my own and I learned very early to entertain myself.
Whilst I have made many mistakes in my life, and my coping mechanisms have led to many wrong turns on my personal path through life, I have always been content with my own company. Is there a point where that becomes a problem? I don't know. I know there are many people who actively dislike other people and dream of becoming a hermit. I know there are many people diagnosed with disorders because they do not like or cannot interact with other people. Does that make all of them deficient in some way? Am I deficient in some way because I prefer my own company? And what about the people who can't bear their own company and have to have someone else around all the time, are they deficient? We all get through this life the best way we can, and we all develop our own life coping mechanisms, whether they are good or bad ultimately has to be our own decision.
For myself, and for many many others to one degree or another, crowds are anathema. I would never go to an end of year sale, it would be hell on earth for me. I don't do people in large numbers, I get panic attacks and have to escape. If I have someone with me who I trust it is not so scary, but still I prefer to avoid the crowds, the noise, the crush. I can handle crowds when there is a reason for me to do so - airports, large cities and the like but I would never voluntarily go to a place where I know there will be large numbers of people without a reason that makes sense to me.
And yet, this new person I am becoming as I travel this path I am now on - this person finds crowds less intimidating. I find I am having less panic attacks now that I am on my path and I know it is the right one for me. Extraneous matters that once bothered and worried me seem to loom less large in my mind. I am becoming, dare I say it, serene. Not all the time of course, I am a woman after all and subject to the hormonal fluctuations that make a woman's emotions volatile. I still get myself bent out of shape when people don't act the way I think they will, I still react badly when I anticipate something happening and it doesn't go the way the script in my head has already written it. People still have that annoying habit of acting differently to my internal script and I still find that tricky. I'm still finding myself trying to control my environment, but I'm learning to stop myself most of the time.
So I am changing, becoming a better person, a calmer person (most of the time) and I am finding serenity (some of the time). It's a long process, this process of internal change. But I am doing it, I am thinking positive thoughts and that has become easier for me. The more I think positively the more comfortable I feel about doing it. The flow on effect is that I am beginning to believe that I deserve good things in my life. I feel that I deserve the life I am aiming for, and I know I am finally on the right path for me. Along with this comes the understanding that I am the only one who can control my life, the only one who can be certain which path is the right one for me and it doesn't matter if others think I am wrong. I am the only one on this path and it only matters that it is right for me.
And so the little things have ceased to be a bother to me (most of the time - gamer son will confirm that the state of his room still causes extreme parental angst!) and I am finding my serenity one step at a time, one day at a time, one challenge at a time. I have learned to trust my instincts, I have learned to change my thinking and I am feeling the benefits in my everyday life. I am feeling confident about my future and that hasn't been a mindset for me for a long long time. I really do feel that I have the right to pursue my dreams and that now is the time to take that chance, take that risk, continue that jump without a parachute. I will land exactly where I am meant to be.
Well, now to find pics for this blog - one that I had no clue I would write until here it sits, out of my head, through my fingers and onto the screen. Sometimes, most times, writing this blog helps me to know what I am thinking ;)
This last picture I have included because we should all spend time in introspection. I believe you cannot do what is right for you in your life unless you truly know who you are. For some of us that is relatively easy, as you would know it was not so easy for me - but all of us are more than we know unless we go looking deep within.
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