Friday, July 25, 2014

Deep and meaningful

Deep and meaningful part 1: Anyone reading my blogs will know they are all about me - mostly anyway. Although I started the blog with the intent of raising my profile as a writer, it has become my rather narcissistic personal page. I talk about me, about my problems and issues, hopefully in a way that you the reader can identify with. 
When I talk about circumstances that have affected my life I don't mean circumstances that other people have caused, I'm talking about my own choices and decisions that have led to the circumstances that affect me. I don't use this blog to make veiled digs at people, I am trying to own my mistakes and my good decisions equally because all of my decisions have made me who I am. I'm trying to grow as a person, to become a better person and it's really not about anyone else. 
Sure, at times I have vented about someone (if you're still out there stalker that means you) but if I am going to talk about you I will tell you. I don't use people's names because I don't know if a person would wish to have themselves identified so I err on the side of caution. But if I'm referring to you, I will tell you 'hey this blog is about you'.
It seems that sometimes for some of you the shoe fits, but that does not mean it is your shoe, it's mine. This is about me, it's become my own form of therapy. Just like my first book helped me to move on from certain aspects of my childhood, this blog helps me to understand myself. I've spent so much of my life cut off from my own feelings and emotions that I really am that person who only knows what I am thinking when I write it.
So, this blog is about me, and I hope that you the reader gets something from my journey of personal discovery that you can apply in your own life. Or if not, I hope you find it interesting and at times entertaining reading. 
Feeling more connected to myself, and organising my thoughts by writing the blog helps me to write more freely. It's as though I am giving myself permission to be the person and the writer I have always had the potential to be. 
So, to deep and meaningful part 2: I have times when I seriously doubt myself as we all do I am sure. I am writing this book about a woman and her purpose in life and if I don't get it right I'm letting down an amazing person. I'm writing a fiction novel that I'm enjoying writing, but if I can't get it published where it will be noticed by readers it will disappear into the void. At times I have a crisis, wondering what I'm doing here, taking this risk having burned all of my bridges. I panic, thinking I can't possibly realise my dreams, I'm not a good enough writer; I don't deserve success in my chosen field. 
And always, when I have these crisis', something comes along to give me hope and keep me going along this rather lonely path (by this I mean that as a writer I spend a lot of time living in my own head). Yesterday two things happened. Firstly I had an email from my publisher saying the first book is almost ready for release in paperback form (and prior to that I read some very favourable reviews left on it which made me feel really good). 
And secondly was a random internet thing that popped up when I was searching for something else entirely. It was a psychology page that was talking about the journey of a writer. It was saying that most often the first reaction to a dream is not to follow but to resist it. To have doubts about your ability to achieve the dream and to fear the dream instead of embracing it. It went on to say that once you take the chance and make the change that the energy shifts. Opportunities appear, people who can help appear, time becomes available. On reading this I thought about the two books, about how I came to go to the shelter, about the dreams of the werewolf book and the thoughts that pop into my mind and drive me to write them down. So naturally I read on, as this piece was resonating with me.
It resonated even more as I read. It said you have the vision of what you want to do and the need to make the change and you must honour the vision and listen to the voice telling you to follow the vision. You must not listen to the voice that says you can't do it, you will fail, it will be a big big mistake. It said that the closer you are to realising the vision the more likely you are to give up, to believe the voice that says you can't do it. Then it went on to say that voice is your ego, your smaller self that is resistant to change and that is afraid. Don't listen to it, don't give it power.
Paolo Coelho is an author whose books are full of the same message, I have read some of them and they have helped me to continue even though I was afraid of taking the risk. This piece that did not even name the author was saying the same thing, just using different words. This piece finished up by saying the things I will need if I follow my dream will come as I need them. So far they have, and I have only just begun this journey. So, crisis averted for now, panic behind me, back on the narrow path that is taking me on this journey. It's not just a journey of following my dream, it's also a journey of self discovery. Kind of like that book Eat Pray Love but without the big pay-cheque!  

So to photos, and yes I do sometimes repeat the photos I put here. Sometimes they just say exactly what I want them to so I use them more than once.

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