Have you ever felt pushed by unseen forces in your life? All my life I've felt these pushes. It seems that as soon as I think I'm where I'm supposed to be and I start to relax life says Ha! Tricked you!
I know I've made poor decisions in my life, and bad choices. I've tried to understand and forgive myself for all of them. I've tried to start again and get it right, to do what I was born to do and stop wasting my life. Everything seemed to come together, everything seemed to be working and I really believed I was finally on the right path. It didn't matter that it is a path a lot of people thought I was crazy for travelling, it was my path and it felt right.
But now finances are forcing me to at least change how I'm doing things and maybe change everything. I don't want to do that, you can't imagine how deeply I don't want to do that. I've begun making a life here and to feel comfortable. I want to be comfortable!
There have been times where I have hated it here, the dirt and the dust, the filth. I've lost my temper over the difficulties in the smallest things like getting a decent can opener or egg flip. I've struggled with the language and the customs and the food. I've longed for decent curtains (still do) and good milk and any number of small conveniences. I've wished for rain and grass and flowers and a garden.
But now, with the threat of losing it all I realise that I don't want to leave it. This is my little corner in the world and I want to keep it (but not the curtains). I want to keep my cats and my street cats and this apartment. I want to complain about the milk and the cheese and the laundry guys forgetting to send back a shirt. I want to buy food from the Syrian bakery and travel at life threatening speeds in a taxi that badly needs some air in its tyres or new shock absorbers or a new cv joint or most likely all three. I want to sit on my balcony in the dawn light, eating my breakfast and listening to silence. And I want to write.
I'm so close to success I can taste it. My first book is selling steadily, my little books continue to sell steadily, I have a new short read book I'm about to publish and I'm working on another book that insisted on being written. I don't want to give up now when I'm almost there.
I have options, I hope. I'm trying to get writing jobs on various writing sites - problem with them is that so many require you to be a US citizen. I've decided to write the prequel to Zora's Dawn and publish it and Zora's Dawn on Amazon without waiting for agents or publishers. That will potentially earn money faster than waiting for an agent to pick me up and then find a publisher - that all takes months and I don't have months. I'll try to find an online tutoring job too.
I don't know if any of this will solve my problem but I hope it will. I want so badly to finally be able to stop worrying about how to pay for everything - and by everything I mean a roof over my head and food on the table (a figurative table since the apartment doesn't have one but you get the gist).
I can only believe that I am once again being pushed in a different direction to get me where I'm supposed to be - I don't know quite what I'm supposed to be doing but I'm being pushed, I assume, because I didn't figure it out fast enough on my own.
So, I'm teetering on the brink of the black hole but I'm determined not to fall in, I'm determined that somehow I'll find a way to get financial security sooner and not later (I was prepared for later as making a successful writing career requires patience), I'm determined that I will grab life by the throat and say enough, stop jerking my chain, let me live in peace.
I'll get back to you on how it works out...