Cassie's Story - Letters To Myself

And it’s Monday again. Do the weeks go as fast for you as they do for me? Before we continue Cassie’s story, I wanted to share with you some wonderful feedback I received yesterday which humbled me. It’s not a review, it’s a response generated by how much this reader identified with Cassie. I’m not going to share the whole thing here, just a few parts.

I can't believe how I connected with this book on so many different levels. I identified with different aspects, but it also helped me see the dance that I do with myself and with 'Y'. I know that I have to break the cycle in order to move forward. Thank you for pointing me in the direction of this book. I do believe that I will read it more than once, and it will help ground me.
Thanks X
PS I do feel this book has shown me I'm not alone which gives me strength and comfort 
X

I cannot tell you how touched I am by this response. I wrote Letters for this reason, to reach out to people in a similar situation as Cassie, and to show that there is a way out. To have had such an effect on someone is the best feeling, validating my decision to be a writer – it even makes me feel that I may be a little bit good at this.

So, on with Cassie’s story – did he kiss her?

“He kissed you right? Tell me he kissed you, with depth and passion. I bet he’s a great kisser, he’s got perfectly shaped lips.” Saffron leaned forward in her seat, her cupcake sitting untouched on the plate in front of her. I sighed, thinking not for the first time that she really needed to read fewer romantic books.

“Saffie, really. Of course not.”

She sat back, so visibly deflated that I felt I had pricked her with a needle instead of recounting the previous evening. “Then why did you wind me up like that, telling me his hand was on your skin and he was looking into your eyes and your heart was racing. I mean, what else follows a scene like that than a world rocking kiss!”

“An over excited BamBam smashing into Mark’s pushbike and knocking it into the side of the fence, hitting the rake which fell and hit somebody’s cat which was walking along the top of the fence and made it yowl at police siren decibels which caused all the dogs in the area to go into a barking frenzy.”

Saffron made the sound she makes when she’s surprised into a laugh, kind of a cross between a snort and a chuckle. “Seriously? Well I can see that would be a mood breaker.”

I grinned at the memory. “That it was. The cat jumped off the fence and ran across my front yard, BamBam was so traumatized by the noise that he hid behind my legs, Pebbles ran after the cat but of course with her short legs she had no hope. The cat jumped the fence and disappeared, all the dogs around were barking hysterically, lights were coming on in the nearby houses and all in all it was an excellent time to go inside.” I paused, “I should find out who owns the cat and make sure it’s ok, poor thing.”

Saffron took a sip of her coffee and began to break the cupcake into pieces. “So was the mood retrieved once you went inside?”

“No, what mood there may have been was gone, and really I’m not sure there was anything to start with. It was probably just my imagination.”

Saffron raised her eyebrows at me over her coffee cup. “Cassie, I understand that you still have self esteem issues, but I’ve seen Matt look at you, and it’s not a ‘just friends’ look.”

I stared at her, shocked at her statement. “Really? When? And why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m going to tell you something like that when you’re already in flight mode? And he’s been looking at you like that forever.”

“Get away, he has not. Not forever.”

“Well maybe not forever, but for a long time. Like for as long as I’ve known him.”

I stared at her as I thought back. Was it possible she was right? Nah, Matt was a wonderful, supportive friend and protector. I still had nightmares sometimes about what might have happened if BamBam hadn’t jumped the fence and fetched Matt that last time. But Matt didn’t think about me like that – well not then anyway.

I sighed, and reached for another cupcake. It was a new recipe that I was trying for the coffee van – chocolate vanilla swirl with a custard centre. I had to admit they were delicious, even though I had made them myself.

“Saffie, I don’t know what I want. I like Matt so much, but what if it doesn’t work out, I’ll have lost a great friend. What if we get close and he finds out I’m not the person he thinks I am?”

Saffron leaned forward again and took my hand. She stared into my eyes, the intensity of her gaze not letting me look away. “But Cassie, what if it does work out, and what if you find out you’re not the person you think you are? What if you find out that you’re better than you think?”

I blinked a few times, taken aback by her words. It was typical of Saffron, the best friend anyone could hope for. I shrugged. “Well, maybe so. Anyway, there was no kiss and no sign of anything when Matt left either.” I admitted to myself that I had been disappointed when Matt left after another cup of coffee without even a hint of a goodnight kiss, or any sort of intimacy. “So maybe the moment has passed, never to return.”

Saffron snorted her patented Saffron disbelieving snort, but said nothing more on the subject. “So, got a driver yet?”

“Nothing yet, but the advertisement only ran yesterday so I expect I won’t get any replies until tomorrow.”

Draining the last of her coffee Saffron stood up and carried her cup to the sink. She paused beside the tray of cupcakes. “Can you spare some for the girls?”

I rose as well, going to a cupboard and digging around for a container the right size. “Yes of course, they are all for you. I’ll make some more tonight after Nathan drops off the kids. Mark will want to help bake since it’s a new recipe.”

“You’re a gem, thanks Cassie. Mark seems set to be a chef doesn’t he?”

“A pastry chef anyway, unless his ideas change with puberty. Do you want to take some coconut slice for Ben?” I knew her husband was fond of the sticky treats.

“Oh he’s away remember? But I guess I could put them in the freezer and he can take them back to work with him.”

“Is he working away this week?”

“Yes, won’t be back until Friday night. I’m beginning to forget what he looks like!”

I smiled, even though I knew that beneath the joking was a bleakness she did her best to hide. Finishing packing up the cupcakes I pulled the coconut slice out of the fridge and added it to the small pile. “There you go, hope the girls like the cakes.”

Saffron got her things together and I walked with her to the door.

“Always great to see you, but do try to give your self esteem a boost hmmm? Perhaps another letter?”

I gave her the cockiest grin I could muster. “Hey look at me, did you think I’d make it this far?”

Saffron gave me an awkward one armed hug, the edges of the plastic containers digging into my side. “I never doubted it for one minute. You’re a lot stronger than you know my dear.”

She started to walk down the footpath, turning back halfway there. “Let me know how you get on with finding a driver, I know of someone who might be interested.”

“Really? That would be great. I’ll see how I go with the advertisement, surely tomorrow there will be a response.”

Saffron gave me a thumbs up and got into her car. I watched her drive off before going back inside, turning our conversation over in my mind. Was I still too hard on myself? Should I just relax and let things develop with Matt, or not, without worrying so much? I gave myself a smack in the head. Well duh, of course I should, the question was could I? Pouring myself some more coffee I went outside to my little back patio to drink it. The dogs rushed up, BamBam dropping a ball in front of me.

“You might have interrupted a ‘moment’ you know you clumsy oaf. I might be sitting here contemplating a world shaking kiss if you hadn’t knocked over Mark’s bike. Of course he should have put it away too. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be, last night anyway.”

BamBam stared up at me, and down at the ball, his eyes shining with anticipation.

“And you don’t care do you. Well you’re right, I should lighten up, I’m growing tired of myself. It was just dinner and a maybe almost kiss, no need for this introspection.”

I picked up the ball and threw it into the corner of the yard, away from my herb garden. The dogs raced after it in an unequal race. With his longer legs BamBam always got there first, but Pebbles often stole the ball off him before he got it back to me. I watched them running, my mind going back to the last thing Saffron had said. It was curious that she had not mentioned a potential barista/driver to me before now and I wondered who it was.

Letters To Myself