Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Cassie's story - Letters To Myself

Well again it's Tuesday, sorry folks, Monday went in a blur it seems. I discovered a new five star review on Letters too, which I'd like to share with you all:

Format: Kindle Edition
As I read this book I wasn't sure what to expect but the more I read the more I had to keep reading. This was an emotional roller coaster for me as I quickly realized that this book was recounting alot of the things I had been through and how I had to rediscover who I was and who I am. I can't say enough how much this book helped me and helped really reiterate that I made the right choice by getting out while I could. I will definitely be recommending this book to all my friends and family!

As always, I am honoured and humbled to know that my book has helped someone. May it go on to help many more!  

OK, here is where I was yesterday:
Monday again, where did the week go? I had a blog post all ready in my mind too! I’ll try to get it written this week before Monday sneaks in ahead of the other days of the week. I’m sure that is what happens.

I’ve spent the week continuing on with my drawings, and doing some for friends which did put me behind a little. However my sister suggested that I put the individual pages up for sale on Etsy, which is a brilliant idea, so I am also preparing an Etsy store. I’ll tell you more on that once it’s up and running.

What else has happened this week? Well, I found out that my Microsoft Office (2010) is not valid outside of Egypt – something to do with the incorrect product key, although I suspect it’s quite likely that I was sold a pirated copy. I spent pointless days trying to contact Microsoft, since the original version of Office was one I bought in Australia and I only wanted 2010 back. I’m used to that, and being resistant to change I didn’t want to have to find my way around an updated version.

When I finally contacted Microsoft they were as unhelpful as I suspected they would be and I have ended up with having to purchase Office 2016. Or 365 or whatever it is. It’s the online version for which I am paying a monthly fee. I did a precautionary backup – you can imagine the potential horror of an author finding all her work has disappeared in the update – but it wasn’t necessary as everything seems to have made the transition intact. I’m still a bit miffed that I couldn’t just have my 2010 back, but I do have to admit the new version doesn’t look too much different. I’m currently a tad mesmerized by the way the curser kinds of floats along the page instead of stuttering like it did with 2010. That alone is winning me over – I know, I’m easily pleased…

So, on to Cassie. She has retreated into her shell a bit after Matt planted the kiss on her forehead. It’s difficult for Cassie to allow anyone too close after what happened with Nathan so she’s pulled back while she tries to figure out her emotions. We pick up the story in a session with Sue, her therapist.

Sue was sitting back in her chair, her notepad on her lap and the pen in her fingers, but she wasn’t writing. She was studying me in that way she has, which makes me feel like a specimen pinned to a board. I began to shift in my seat, and picked up my coffee in an attempt to disguise my unease.

“How did you feel when Matt kissed you?”

I shrugged. “It was just a peck on the forehead, like a parent gives to a child.”

“Did you feel like a child?”

I tried unsuccessfully to repress a blush. I knew that I didn’t need to say anything since I was sitting there with my face aflame, but I answered her anyway. “No, I didn’t feel like a child.” I knew the next question so went on to answer it and save her the breath needed to ask it. “I felt like a woman who was being claimed. But I don’t know if I should have felt like that. I mean, his words could have meant that he feels regretful he didn’t meet me sooner and that he doesn’t want to be bothered with this messed up version of me. It could have been a kind of goodbye.”

Sue’s eyebrows shot up faster than I have ever seen them go before, and that’s saying something since I usually manage to get them to wing their way skywards at least once per session.

“Cassie, do you really feel that was it?”

I shrugged again. “Who could blame him? I don’t know if I have anything left to offer him.”

Her eyebrows climbed a touch higher, which impressed me as I thought they had reached the limit of her skin elasticity. Her voice however was as gentle and smooth as usual. “It’s been eighteen months since the ties to Nathan were well and truly cut with that last incident. That’s a long time, but for the emotions not so long. You’ve grown so much since then Cassie, and Matt has seen how much you’ve achieved and he’s been a steadfast friend the entire time. Do you truly believe that he would think you not worth the effort? Think carefully, and try to think with your brain, not your emotions.”

I ran my mind back through the last eighteen months – had it really been that long? I knew that Sue was right, at least with my mind I did, but my emotions were not easily convinced. I said as much to her, a statement that leveled her eyebrows to their accustomed position.

“Fair enough. Have you been writing to yourself regularly?”

I blinked a bit, caught unprepared for the change of subject. “Not since the knock on the head no.” Belatedly I realized where she was going with this. “Oh, you think a letter might help me to see more clearly?”

“Perhaps, if you feel comfortable with writing it down. You know that it is always your choice and if you are not ready to write down anything you don’t need to. Your healing is always at your own pace.”

I smiled at her. “Yes, I know.” I thought a bit more. “I’ll write a letter tonight and see what I think.” I knew that didn’t really make sense, but I also knew that she would understand. That she did was evidenced by the way she let the subject slide.

“Are the kids still visiting Nathan each fortnight?”

I nodded. “Yes, they go on the first weekend that Emmerson is with me. Nathan doesn’t seem to want any more than that.”

“Does that worry you?”

“No, not really. At least, the kids don’t seem bothered and that’s all that matters. I do worry sometimes that he will become so involved with Lucy and her daughter that he forgets his own children. And then I think I’m being paranoid.”

Sue scribbled on her pad, and then levelled her gaze at me. I have often wondered if she scribbles just to give herself time to think – maybe there is nothing on her page but doodles.

“Nathan is not your problem, you know that right?”

“I know, but the kids are.”

“Yes they are, but they know their father, they are happy with you and Emmerson is happy with her mum. If Nathan makes choices that limit his time with them that is not your problem, it’s his.”

“I’m not going to approach him about it, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Good to hear. Whatever Nathan does, or doesn’t do, the kids are settled and happy and that’s what you need to remember. OK?”

I smiled at her. “OK.”

After the session I went to visit Saffron, who should have finished the coffee run and picked up the kids from school. She had been invaluable while I was incapacitated. I had an appointment for a check-up next week, and after that (assuming that all was well) would be permitted to drive again. I was looking forward to it, taking a taxi everywhere was not a cheap option.

At Saffron’s I was enveloped in one of her trademark hugs, although death by cleavage was not so likely when she was sober.

“How are you now, still got a headache?” She stared into my eyes as she spoke, making me feel for the second time that day like a specimen pinned to a board.

“Every now and then, but it’s almost gone. I’m hoping for a good report next week so I can drive again. How’s the coffee run going?”

Saffron grinned, her eyes sparkling. “Great! I’m having a blast doing this, it’s the highlight of my day.”

I followed her into the kitchen, pleased and worried at the same time by her statement. It wasn’t the words so much as it was the animation in her face. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw her so excited and happy. I gave a mental shrug, deciding to go for the pleased part and to ignore the worried bit.

“That’s fantastic! I’m so relieved you were able to take over for me so easily, and do the school run for me. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“Of course, you’d be lost without me!” Saffron accompanied her words by an outrageous wink. “Sit down, I’ll make us some tea. Mark’s out the back with the girls.”

I relaxed, grateful for all the blessings in my life. As I listened to Saffron chatting about the kids and the coffee run I decided to let my angst over that kiss on the forehead go. Once again I had been over-thinking things. It probably didn’t mean anything, it was probably just Matt teasing me. 

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