I woke early Saturday morning, exhausted
by a night disrupted with dreams I couldn’t remember, but that left me feeling
anxious. After lying in bed for an hour watching the room gradually lighten I
gave up. The dogs greeted me rapturously, thrilled to be going for a walk so
early. I wrote a note for Mark and taped it to the bathroom door at eye height,
before letting us out into the soft dawn light.
The birds were greeting the new day
with the dawn chorus as we walked the short distance to the park. I breathed in
the cool morning air, the scent of the roses and jasmine in the garden beds
mingling with wattle, an intoxicating mix. Somehow the warble of magpies,
laughing of kookaburras and squabbling of lorikeets blended into one harmonious
song. I could feel the funk I had been in since seeing Nathan the previous day
lifting, the restorative powers of the new day working magic on my mood.
By the time we reached the park I was
smiling, able to put everything into perspective. Nathan was in the past, I was
in control of me, everything would be fine. My smiled widened as I saw Barney
racing towards Pebbles and BamBam, followed more slowly – much more slowly – by
Matt. I could feel my smile fading as I watched Matt, he seemed to be limping.
“Matt? Are you ok?”
“Spot of bother last night.”
“A spot of bother? Matt, your face,
what happened. Why are you limping?”
As he got closer the massive shiner on
his face that swelled his left eye shut was shockingly clear to see, as was the
swollen top lip and a graze on his cheek.
“Matt, what happened?”
As I spoke I hurried forward, worried
about what other injuries he may have.
“Oh, a bit of an altercation with an
aggressive drunk last night.”
“You got into a fight?” I was
astonished, I had never seen Matt lose his cool that much.
“Not exactly, I underestimated his
aggression during an arrest last night. It took us both a while to restrain
him.”
“You got into a fight with someone you
arrested? Is that legal?”
Matt gave me a flat stare. “Legal? A
fight? I’m in pain, my good looks may never recover and you’re worried if it
was legal? He took a swing at me – which connected. We restrained him and
arrested him for disturbing the peace and for assault. Fortunately he did not
have a knife, or a gun.”
“I’m sorry Matt, I didn’t mean to sound
uncaring. Are you ok?”
He shrugged, and winced. “I’ll live.”
“Why did you wince then, is it more
than your face?”
“Well, he managed to get a punch in the
ribs, guess he’s been working out. He cracked a couple.”
“Cracked ribs? Does this sort of thing
happen often?”
Again Matt gave me that flat stare. “Why,
thinking of ‘unfriending’ me?”
I took a step back and stared at him.
His tone had been hostile, I had never heard him talk like that. Anxiety
started to swirl in my stomach.
“No.”
“I suspect drugs were involved too, he
seemed to be out of it with more than just alcohol. This is part of the job
Cassie, you know that.”
I did know that, I just hadn’t seen it
before. I also hadn’t seen Matt in this hostile mood before and I didn’t like
it.
“Well, I should get back before Mark
wakes up. Drop in later if you want some coffee or lunch.”
Matt gave me the look I dubbed his policeman
face. It was a penetrating stare that always felt like he was peeling back the
mask I presented to the world, and reading my true feelings.
But, “I’ll drop in later,” was all he
said.
I called the dogs and headed back to
the house, feeling unsettled, my peace gone.
Later that morning I was sitting at the
table sipping coffee and making recipe notes when Matt walked in. I took one
look at his pale face, at the bruises, scratches and swelling, at the careful
way he eased himself into a chair, and went to the coffee machine.
“You’re on pain killers right?”
Matt nodded. “Enough to make me feel
spaced out. Apparently I have a cracked cheekbone as well.”
I stared at him, several retorts on the
tip of my tongue. I swallowed them all, and turned back to the coffee machine.
“Cassie.”
I placed a steaming cup in front of Matt
and sat back in my seat.
“Cassie.”
“Matt I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have questioned
what happened last night.”
“Why not? Cassie, I’m the one should
apologise.”
Matt took a sip of his coffee, wincing
as the hot cup touched his swollen lip.
“I was wrong to react the way I did. I
reacted like you were my girlfriend, the one who left because of my job, and I
apologise. And you, Cassie, you do not need to apologise. All you did was show
concern, like any friend would. It was me who over-reacted.”
I stared at Matt, I didn’t know what to
say.
“Cassie, Nathan conditioned you to feel
guilty for everything, to apologise for everything. That’s not how a real
friendship, a real relationship, works. If I over-react as I did this morning,
I apologise. If you scream at me because I hate one of your recipes, you apologise.
If we fight, it’s just a fight. It’s not the end of our friendship, it’s not
going to change how I feel about you or you feel about me. It’s just a fight.
This morning I was rude to you and I should not have been. So I apologise.”
I sat, still speechless. Matt leaned
forward, gingerly.
“This is the part where you say, ‘Don’t
ever do that again you tool. Would you like some lunch?’”
To my horror I felt tears well up, my bottom
lip start to tremble. I picked up my coffee to take a fortifying sip but my
hand was trembling too much so I put it back on the table. The tears were
threatening to spill, so I stood up and took my cup to the coffee machine.
There I stood with my back to Matt, trying to control myself. Who cried when
someone else apologized? I jumped when Matt’s hands touched my shoulders, I
hadn’t heard him get up.
“Cassie, what’s wrong?”
I shrugged, made an attempt to wipe my
eyes surreptitiously – pretty hard to do when someone is standing right behind
you.
“Are you crying? Cassie I’m sorry, I
swore to myself I would never make you cry, and here I’ve done it before we are
even in an official relationship.”
Giving up the attempt to hide the tears
I scrubbed at my eyes, pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep, calming
breath. Turning I faced Matt. This close his face looked a mess, and I couldn’t
stop myself from touching his swollen left cheek with my fingertips.
“You’re right, you may never get your
good looks back.”
He snorted. “Gee thanks. Cassie, why
are you crying?”
“I don’t know, maybe I got myself too
worked up over this?”
“You mean you reacted the way you used
to with Nathan, you went into panic mode? And now there is nowhere for your
adrenalin to go?”
“I think so Matt. I thought I’d come so
far, but as soon as you showed signs of anger I went straight back to the old
Cassie. I don’t know how to act in a real relationship any more. Maybe I’ll
never know.”
Matt ran a finger down my cheek. “And
maybe you just need to feel safe, to know you are safe. Maybe you need someone
who understands you and who wants to help you. Maybe you need someone patient,
who thinks you are worth waiting for. Someone with a cute dimple maybe?”
He smiled and I sniffed. “Your left
cheek is too swollen, there is no dimple.”
“Someone who stands in front of you
even though he’s wounded, in pain, needing more coffee, and ravenous?”
I couldn’t help smiling. “Idiot, go and
sit down. I’ll make us more coffee and then get us some lunch.”
Matt didn’t move. “First, tell me you’re
not going to run away, emotionally.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, knowing you, you’re probably
thinking you shouldn’t get into a relationship again because you’ll screw it
up. Right?”
“Maybe.”
“Don’t. Don’t think that way. It’s
going to take time to heal emotionally. I understand that Cassie. I believe in you.
Please believe in yourself, please don’t shut me out.”
He leaned forward and kissed my
forehead. “Ouch, that hurt.”
“What do you expect, you’ve got a fat
lip.”
“It’s sexy right?”
It looks like a bee stung you.”
“A sexy bee?”
“A bumblebee. Go sit down you tool.”
“You know that scene in the first
Indiana Jones movie?”
“What?”
“On the ship, when Indiana is injured
and Marion kisses him in the spots that don’t hurt, remember that scene?”
“Yes.”
“I always loved that scene.”
I smiled. “Me too.”
“So, want to be Marion?”
I blinked. “Er, what?”
“Be Marion, kiss me where it doesn’t
hurt.”
I studied his face, then reached up and
kissed his right cheek. Matt smiled a meltingly sweet smile and pointed at his
lips.
“Uh-uh, nope. You said where it doesn’t
hurt. You’ve got a fat lip.”
“So kiss it better.”
He shifted position and winced, his
face paling.
“Oh for heaven’s sake. If I kiss you
will you go sit down before you fall down?”
“Promise.”
I reached up again and kissed him
carefully on the bottom lip, then gave his shoulder a gentle push.
“Now go sit, or maybe you need to lie
down? Are your pain killers wearing off?”
“Yeah I think so. Maybe I’ll just lie
on the lounge for a bit.”
“Did you bring your pills with you?”
He pulled them out of his pocket. I took
them and made a waving motion. He limped off and I followed with two pills and
a glass of water. He took them without complaint, handed the glass back and
stretched out, slowly, on the lounge. I stared down at him, his pale face and grimace
evidence that he was in considerable pain. Stubborn man.
“I’ll get some lunch, you stay there.”
“Yes ma’am.”
I turned and went back to the kitchen,
my mind a swirling mess of confusion. Nathan yesterday, Matt today. Maybe that
was why I reacted so strongly to Matt this morning I realized belatedly. Nathan
had stirred up so many memories perhaps it was inevitable I would feel this
confusion now. I shrugged mentally. Tomorrow I would think about it. Today I
had a damaged man lying on my lounge.
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