As I approached Nathan appeared at the gate – inside the gate. I frowned, not happy that he was at my house while I was absent.
“Nathan?”
At my words he swung to face me, an expression of relief chased away by a more familiar pinched look. I sighed, my happy bubble collapsing in on me.
“What are you doing here so early?”
Nathan glanced at his watch pointedly. “It’s after 8, hardly early.”
I stopped in front of the gate, reluctant to go through to where Nathan was standing. Aware that my hesitation was giving him power, I firmed my resolve and reached out to open the gate, but my hand froze on the latch as he began his interrogation.
“Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you for ages. Why did you go out without the dogs?” His eyes narrowed as he took in my appearance and no doubt bedhead hair. “Are you wearing last night’s clothes?”
I hesitated a beat too long, fighting an internal war against learned behaviour (submit, say nothing, accept the punishment) and my resolve to break all control Nathan still had over me. He pounced.
“You’ve been at that policeman’s house haven’t you? While our son lies sleeping in this house you’ve been off playing doctor with the copper.”
His words dripped contempt, each syllable burning like acid through my resolve.
“I knew you’d be gagging for it, it’s been a long time hasn’t it Cassie? I bet the copper couldn’t satisfy you the way I can, he doesn’t know you the way I do, he doesn’t know what a bad, dirty girl you are.”
I sagged, his words driving a blade into my deepest fears, ripping off the scab and allowing them to come bubbling up. My happiness and confidence vanished, destroyed in one short paragraph uttered with the scorn and painful accuracy that only Nathan could wield.
“Did you even think of Mark? Or were you too eager for a tumble with the copper?”
“Mark’s at a friend’s house for a sleepover.”
“Well of course he is, how convenient for you. I expect you planned it didn’t you? Your true colours are showing Cassie. It took you long enough, but here you are, a dirty little girl who was so desperate for sex that she seduced the local copper.”
He words were wrong, but there was enough truth in them to make me question myself. I had planned last night, I had hoped for the result, I did want Matt. Was I just the dirty girl Nathan said I was? It had been my fear all along that I stayed with Nathan for so long because secretly I enjoyed the debasement.
“Well if Mark is away how about we go inside and I remind you of what it’s like to have someone who knows how to push your buttons? I bet you’re not satisfied, the policeman wouldn’t know how to satisfy someone like you Cassie, but I do.”
I watched my hand begin to lift the latch, but it stopped as I thought about what he had just said – someone who knows how to push my buttons. That was what Nathan was doing right now, pushing my buttons. And I, weak fool that I still was, had almost given in without a fight.
I lifted my head, looked him straight in the eye. “I don’t think so Nathan.”
“Come on Cassie, those are just words, you don’t have to pretend with me, I know you too well.”
I shook my head, resolve stiffening my spine. I stood taller. “No you don’t Nathan, you don’t know me at all. You know the person you wanted me to be, and I was weak and allowed myself to be manipulated by you. But that’s not me, that has never been me.”
“Of course it’s you. We were married for a long time Cassie, I know you better than anyone, and you know me. Nobody makes me feel the way you do, you’re like a drug.”
I shook my head again. “No, you don’t know me, you made me into someone I wasn’t and I allowed it. But I’m not that person any more Nathan, and I’m never going to be her again.”
Nathan opened his mouth but I held up my hand in the universal stop sign, something I had never done with him before. “No Nathan, I’m not that Cassie, and what’s more I didn’t know you. I deluded myself that I did, I deluded myself that what we had was love but it wasn’t.” I looked at him again, my hand still on the latch. “What we had was a lot of things but it wasn’t love. And I’m not going back to it Nathan.”
Nathan was staring at me in shock. I had never stood up to him like this. I continued – in for a penny, in for a pound as they say, “Yes I was with Matt last night but you know what? It’s none of your business. Not any more.”
I opened the latch, pushed open the gate and stood back. My heart was beating so fast I thought I might faint as I removed the flimsy physical barrier. “I think you should go Nathan. Whatever you needed to talk to me about can wait, and next time call me first.”
Nathan just stood there, staring at me. His face was darkening into a familiar rage and I was terrified of it, but I kept my expression calm, and put my hands behind my back so he couldn’t see them shaking. Remembering how effective a tactic it was when Sue used it on me, I said nothing more, just stood waiting – and hoped my shaking legs would hold me up.
Nathan came through the gate, stood close to me. I stared back at him, willing my expression to remain calm. I knew that if I showed fear or anger he would react. I didn’t know what he would do if I stayed calm and appeared unaffected. I was gambling that if I didn’t react he would leave but I didn’t know if it would work or if it would backfire.
“You’ve changed Cassie. Probably the prissy policeman has been telling you to go against your nature. Or maybe that ‘friend’ of yours, that Saffron. She’s always hated me and she’s always had a bad effect on our marriage.”
I continued to look at him, but still said nothing.
“Well I’ll go, but you haven’t seen the last of me Cassie. You can’t deny your true nature forever. You’ll be back, and I’ll be waiting.” He looked over my head at something. “I’ll leave you to Mr Goody Police Boots. You’ll come crawling back one day.”
With those words he went to his car, hopped in, and drove off without looking back. I stared after him, realizing that in the entire conversation Nathan had not once mentioned Lucy, nor had he referred again to Mark. Talk about true colours – the only person who mattered to Nathan was Nathan.
As his car disappeared I was reminded of my fragile emotional state - and the adrenalin coursing through my body - as my shaking legs failed me and I sank unceremoniously onto the pavement beside the gate.
A strong hand appeared in front of my eyes, Matt’s hand. He was here with the promised breakfast. A wet doggy tongue rasped down my cheek, making me laugh and helping to stop the tears that were threatening. I patted Barney, took Matt’s hand and allowed myself to be pulled to my feet.
“Can you make it inside? I’m worried that if I put this food down you know who will scoff the lot.”
I looked properly at Matt. In his other hand was a McDonald’s bag and a cardboard tray holding what I thought was coffee. I narrowed my eyes at it.
“I thought you were cooking breakfast? And McDonald’s coffee? What’s wrong with mine?”
He shrugged. “I have a weakness for their coffee, it’s a vice I know.”
Unlacing our fingers, he wrapped his arm around my waist and supported me in through the gate. I managed to get my key into the front door lock, smiling at the joyful barking that erupted with the sound.
Once inside Matt gave me a little push towards the kitchen. “Take the food and go sit down.” As I went towards the kitchen he went to the laundry where the dogs had spent the night. “I’ll let this pair out with Barney, we can feed them later on.”
I nodded, reached the kitchen, put the food and coffee onto the table and sand down into the nearest chair, reaction setting in.
By the time Matt came back the tears were rolling unchecked down my cheeks. “Oh darlin’ girl, what did he do?”
He pulled a chair close and sat in it, putting his arms around me. I let the tears soak into his shirt until the worst of the reaction had abated. Pulling away, I patted ineffectually at the damp spot I had left on his shoulder.
Matt handed me the rapidly cooling coffee. I took a gulp, grimacing at the taste. Slowly, I told him all that had happened. When I finished he said nothing for a while, just took out the food (pancakes and hash browns) and handed it to me.
“Eat Cassie, you need it for the shock.”
He waited until I had taken a few mouthfuls before saying any more.
“That was so brave of you Cassie, I’m so proud of you.”
I shrugged. “I know now that I won’t give into him. But how do I stop him?”
Matt said nothing, his face flushing.
“Matt? Are you blushing?”
“Well I did think of a way you could stop him, I’m sure it would work. If you wanted to I mean. I mean not just as a way of stopping Nathan but you know, if you wanted to.”
This was almost incoherent, and unlike Matt who almost never lost his cool.
“Matt? I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
Matt started to make patterns in his maple syrup with his knife. I stared at the patterns, mesmerized by this behaviour that reminded me of Mark when he was about to say something and didn’t know what sort of reception he would get.
“Matt?”
Still making patterns in the syrup Matt spoke so softly that I had to lean forward to hear him.
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