If you are interested in reading Cassie's book, Letters To Myself - if you haven't already - it is currently on promotion at Amazon, for free for five days so now is the time to go get a copy! Just follow the link at the end of this story. If it's not free try again the next day since you may be in a time zone ahead of Amazon.
Dear me, here I am back worrying
about Matt. Should I be giving so much thought to such a casual kiss? Should I
be giving so much thought to Matt at all, or any man for that matter? I like my
life now, I like the peace and the calm. I don’t know if I want to change
everything again anyway, and moving onto the next step with Matt will change
things. I don’t know if I’m ready for that, or if I will ever be. What if I can
never again trust anyone enough, or trust myself enough, to be able to have a
deep connection with anyone – with Matt. So what is my problem, is it me, Matt,
the thought of a closer relationship, the thought of opening myself up to hurt
again – what is tying me in knots?
Dear you, I think you are well on
the way to answering your own question. What is your problem? Well of course
it’s lots of things, not just one. Opening up to Matt and entering into a
deeper relationship with him means dropping all the walls you have built up to
protect yourself. Starting a relationship with Matt means potentially losing
his friendship if it doesn’t work, or if it works out, losing your
independence. At least you feel that you will lose your independence because
that is what happened with Nathan. You and I (we, me) know that not all
relationships are like that, but you are worried because you were in a
destructive marriage for a long time, and you are anxious that you will slip
back into old patterns with Matt.
So look at yourself, look at how
far you have come. And, look at Matt. He’s been there for you this whole time.
He’s never pushed you, never made you feel anxious or afraid. You’re afraid of
losing yourself, that’s understandable. But – perhaps Matt knows that too.
Perhaps he understands you better than you realise. Maybe, just maybe, Matt is
the safest person in this world to trust with your heart. And maybe, if you let
yourself take this first step, maybe you will find out that it won’t be change
as you’ve become used to it. Maybe it will simply be the life you have now, but
better.
I sipped my glass of wine and
read through my letter again. I didn’t feel that I had clarified anything much
at all, except that I was a coward. I shrugged, and put the notebook to one
side. I would look at it again tomorrow. Tonight I was going to watch some
television and relax. It was Friday night, Mark was visiting a friend for the
night and I had the house to myself.
I could still smell the enticing
aroma of the meal I had prepared earlier for Andrew and Bev. I had found a new
recipe that I thought they might like, and hoped that it would stimulate Bev’s
failing appetite. A wave of sadness swept over me as I thought about Bev. She
was fading, it was clear to us all. She still wasn’t in much pain which was a
blessing, but there was a fragility to her that was impossible to ignore. My
heart ached for Andrew, even though he seemed to be handling the slow progress
towards the inevitable better than I was.
A knock on the door lifted me out
of my thoughts. I wasn’t expecting anyone and my first instinct was still to
shrink back in my seat in case it was Nathan. It wasn’t of course, it was Matt
who came in without waiting for me to answer. He raised one eyebrow when he saw
me cowering on the lounge but said nothing. Instead he gestured to the wine
glass in my hand with the bottle in his own.
“Great minds I see.”
“This is the last of my wine so
you and your fresh bottle are welcome!”
Matt gestured towards me again
with the bottle before heading back into the kitchen. I took it to mean he was
opening the bottle and getting himself a glass and settled back in my seat,
relaxed now instead of anxious. I wondered briefly how long it would be before
I stopped anticipating Nathan coming through my door, but, as with the letter I
had written, relegated it to the back of my mind.
Coming back into the room Matt
seated himself beside me on the lounge and refilled my glass before filling his
and setting the bottle on the side table.
“Are you sure you should be
drinking though?”
I paused, the glass halfway to my
mouth. “Because of the knock on the head you mean?”
He nodded. “Did they tell you not
to drink?”
“Well yes, but only for the first
few days. The doctor told me that if the headache continued to lessen that I
could have a glass or two, but not to drink to excess.”
“And this is your second glass?”
I nodded. Without saying another
word Matt got up and took the wine bottle back into the kitchen. Coming back he
picked up his glass. “Then this is all we will have tonight, until you get the
all clear at your appointment.”
I smiled at him, he really was a
kind and considerate man.
“Have you eaten? I’ve got loads
of food still in the fridge if you want something. Or there’s some pistachios
too if you just want a snack.” I knew pistachio nuts were Matt’s favourite so
kept a supply in the pantry.
“A snack sounds good, I’ll be
right back.”
I sipped my wine, contemplating
what to watch. Matt often dropped in on a Friday night to share some wine and
watch a movie if he wasn’t working a night shift. I had planned on my
favourite, The Princess Bride, but wasn’t sure that Matt would enjoy
that. I started flicking through the multitude of pay television channels.
“What’s on? I brought some nachos
too, the extra cheesy ones.”
Matt pulled the coffee table
closer and set down two bowls of snacks. I smiled my appreciation at him,
everyone knew how much I love those nachos, especially when I’m watching a
movie.
“Well I was just flicking through
to see.”
“What were you planning on
watching?”
“The Princess Bride, but I figure it’s not got enough action for
you.”
He snorted in derision. “Like you
know anything. I like that movie, it’s funny. Let’s watch that one.”
I had a brief internal debate
with myself. I was pretty sure he was just indulging me, but then if he really
didn’t like it we could change the channel. I put it on and we both settled
back to watch it.
“So ok, you do really like this
movie.”
Matt had not only laughed in all
the right places, he had also quoted the most memorable lines. He definitely
had watched this movie more than once.
“I told you that, did you think I
was just being polite?”
“I guess so. It’s not really a
man’s movie is it?”
“Why not? It’s got humour,
action, a hero, a heroine, and true love. What’s not to like?”
“Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”
The words were out before I could stop them and I slapped my hands over my
mouth in a futile attempt to call them back.
Matt gave me one of his trademark
level gazes, the one that always made me squirm.
“You really have to ask me that?”
I floundered, I wasn’t ready for
this conversation, I really wasn’t.
“I mean, you haven’t had a
girlfriend the whole time I’ve known you.”
“You’re wondering if there is
something wrong with me?”
“No! Of course not. I was just
curious. I don’t know much about you really, not about your past life anyway.”
Matt turned towards me, his
posture open and comfortable. “Ask away, what do you want to know?”
I stared at him, wondering what
had possessed me to start this conversation.
“Well, um, have you ever been
married?”
“No, I had a live in girlfriend
once but it didn’t work out. She couldn’t handle the shift work I do in my job,
and she couldn’t cope with the potential danger.”
“Oh, I see. How long ago was
that?”
“It was about a year before I met
you. And no, there’s been no-one since I met you. I think you know why Cassie.”
Well that escalated quickly.
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