Wow life can sure throw a few doozies at us, usually when least expected. I often think that if only I could see into the future I could make the right decisions when I find myself at a life-altering crossroads. If only I could see where each potential decision would take me I could be sure to choose correctly.
Now I think it doesn't work that way. If I could see that decision (a) would lead me to a certain low point, naturally I would want to avoid that, and so not make that decision. But how far into the future should I see? What about what comes after that point? Perhaps I needed to reach that low point so I could make the next decision that would lead me to where I am supposed to be. And perhaps if I don't reach that point I will never end up where I am supposed to be. And it goes on and on, like ripples on a pond.
Every decision I make, every step I take, affects not only me but the people around me. Maybe some of my decisions are made because some people needed me to be there to help them on their journey through life. Maybe some are just sheer stupidity on my part! But going back to the collective reference in another blog, we are all truly interconnected. Every single thing I do has a ripple effect. There are many songs and stories about this, how one persons seemingly small decision has a flow on effect to all the people around. There is a reason why songs and stories and myths refer to it as the tapestry or the rhythm of life. It's because we are all bound together, whether we know it or not.
As a purely hypothetical exercise - made up on the spot - say I decide to buy my coffee from a different vendor one day. It's a great cup of coffee and I say so to the barista. She is thrilled to get a compliment and passes this onto the next customer by complimenting her hair. That customer is very appreciative because her hair has just grown back after losing it during breast cancer treatment. She tells the barista this, and the barista is reminded that she has not yet had a mammogram so she makes an appointment. The mammogram picks up the early stages of cancer and she is very lucky she made that appointment when she did and didn't put it off. And she made the appointment because I complimented her on her coffee making skills.
This is a sledgehammer type of analogy I know. But there are smaller things playing out every day, because of small decisions and because of big ones. Maybe there was no cancer, maybe it just gave the barista a lift and she passed it on and everyone she passed it onto gave it to others and there was a small swell of good feeling happening all day.
Change, that thing I'm no good at, comes about because of decisions we have made - maybe not the decisions we make today, maybe because of decisions made years ago. And maybe by decisions made by other people that end up affecting us. Change happens, and some change happens whether it is welcome or not. I've written before about change and how I'm learning to accept it and even embrace it, and not be afraid of it.
And that's what I'm doing, on the whole. But wow, sometimes among those steps along the way to effecting the change can be huge hidden and unexpected potholes. And they are bone jarring, soul crushing events that make me just want to go to bed and say "wake me when it's over". Change is a simple word, with a simple meaning. But to make a life altering change is difficult. There are complex threads in the tapestry of one way of living that are so fine you don't even know they are there until they are severed.
They have to go of course, a complete change is impossible until all the ties to the old way of living/thinking are gone. It's like a long and invasive surgery, exhausting and at times extremely painful, but once started has to be completed. So here I am, hopefully more that halfway through the process towards this change that is coming to me, and it's inevitable I know. I can't stop it now, and I don't really want to - I just want to fast forward it!
Letting go of past ways of thinking and living is a process of grief. Letting go of the people who were once a part of that past life is also a process of grief. I'm only just now realising this and allowing it to happen. I know the next stage of my life is going to be exactly right for me, and while yesterday I wondered if it was all worth it, today I know it is. Sometimes we change our lives by choice, and sometimes we are pushed - whether by people, events, or a higher power is a blog for another day.
And while my writing has suffered for a while as I learned another of life's lessons, I'm ready again to get this werewolf story happening. And I have a segment of the Facebook novel in my head that I want to get out and onto my computer. For me, when the writing desire comes back, and my fingers start to itch, I know emotionally I'm back on the right track. For today, that's enough.