Sunday, July 21, 2013

Lessons not learned

So here I am, actually I'm sandwiching this in between writing tonight. The werewolf book is motoring along now, after I went back to the beginning and did some major changes. I'm writing this blog mainly because the ideas are coming faster than I can type, so that my mind is pages ahead of my fingers and I get a little panicky. That's when I take a break for a little bit. So tonight my break will be a different type of writing.

It's been an eventful time since my last blog. I've had my eldest son having a minor operation that did not turn out anything like it was supposed to, but it's all good now. So I've been away with him at another town where the operation took place in the larger and better equipped hospital. Given that I was there because of the operation it was decidedly not a holiday. Spending all day and part of the night waiting around in hospital is definitely not a choice way to spend time. And the youngest was with me too, as well as my oldest's girlfriend. But it was a great time for introspection.

I'm always one for that, I'm an introspective introvert. Of course I am also the one to over-think things and make myself a nice big mountain with sharp unfriendly peaks out of level ground. So of course before I went away I did just that, and got myself all stressed and upset. Totally forgot my positive thoughts only rule, and also totally forgot my 5 year rule. Out the window with the first hint of over-thinking.

So I was not in a good place when we went away. That the operation did not go smoothly only added to my distress. But it all worked out in the end, and I was able to relax. And in the time away I was able to think clearly. I expect being away from here, where there are so many stresses, made it easier for me to un-muddle my thoughts.

I was really cranky at myself for diving down into the pool of negativity again. I thought it all through with a clear mind and saw what I had done and was so very annoyed at myself. Further thinking made it clear to me that I can't just jettison negative thinking, it's a very difficult habit to let go of. I need a plan of action. And I have one now.

Every day I will write, that is the most important part of the plan. Writing grounds me, makes me feel fulfilled and gives me a sense of satisfaction that is very close to joy. It has the added bonus of clearing my head of some of the clutter so I can think more clearly. Also each day I will exercise. Exercise is also a great way to relax and release endorphins that keep negative thoughts at bay. Finally, each day I will attempt meditation. You will note I say attempt. This is because in all the many many times I have attempted meditation I have not yet succeeded. My head is too full of words and thoughts. And that script running through my head strongly resists having no words on it. Yet my attempts have helped me to think more clearly, so I will continue to attempt it. Maybe one day I will actually succeed!

While away I also read several books on my kindle app. The ones that resonated with me the most were the ones by Paulo Coelho. This man is a deep thinker,a very spiritual man. His philosophy on life is simple and direct, and something we should all try to apply in our lives. If you haven't read any of his books, do so. They will change the way you think.

 So I am back on track and following my dream, knowing that it will be difficult but that I really should not give up. And I am also remembering that worry solves nothing at all. So whatever will happen in my life, worrying about it will only make me feel worse, it will not solve the problem or make the issue go away, or anything that I am trying to achieve. Of course I know all these things already, but it's always very hard to remember when the pool of negativity is just waiting for me to jump in and take a dip.

But the pool of negativity is not a place I should go to ever again. Every time I go in there, I lose something. Sometimes it's time itself - time spent being miserable and feeling sorry for myself is time I will never get back. Sometimes I lose a friendship because who wants to be friends with a depressed negative person. The pool of negativity is a taker, and it never gives back.

So I will remember my readings, do my writing, exercising and meditation, and maybe not be so hard on myself. We all get to where we are supposed to be in the end, just some of us take the hard road.

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