Hi there, I apologise for the few days silence. I'd love to say these days have been filled with balloons and rainbows and pots of gold - sadly none of those have graced my world. I've just been rather distracted and not sleeping so well - which makes the people in my head yawn a lot and squabble among themselves over the comfy spots to settle, and they don't talk much to me.

The weather has been quite cool and rainy, which I find both good and bad. Good, because I love to curl up with my laptop and a large pot of tea and read and write when it rains. Bad, because here in the southern hemisphere it's autumn and in this part of North Queensland that means the summer monsoon should have finished and it should be cool and dry weather. We don't get much cool weather here, I enjoy the few weeks we do get so I resent the rain just a teensy bit. On the other hand, I am gainfully unemployed right now so that means I can sit on the lounge with the laptop in fact on my lap, a cat on my legs and a good view out the side door of the rain pelting down. And I'm inside, all snug and warm and don't have to go outside for anything!

Well actually I do, I have to go drop off my resume at a couple of places, but I can wait until the rain stops to do that. And I have to go to the post office to check my mailbox because my lovely friend from Poland has sent me something and I want to see if it has arrived. But those are good reasons to venture outside. And there's no timetable for them. So I can watch the rain and drink my tea and write, and feel pretty good about life right now.

Which leads me to a life lesson I'm practising - children do it effortlessly but we forget as we grow older. Live in the moment. Sure I could sit here on the lounge and stress and worry because I am currently unemployed - but I'll still be unemployed no matter how much I stress about it. And if I do that I miss the simple pleasure of sitting on the lounge with a cat on my legs and a hot cup of tea beside me, watching the rain drowning my front yard.

I could also stress and worry that I will publish my book, and do all the publicity for it, and nobody will buy it. Little point in that either, and I'll miss the excitement in actually publishing the book I feel so strongly about. I wrote a book! And I'm publishing it.  It's taken me a lot of years to reach this point of following my dream - in a few days I'll take the first big step. I feel enormous satisfaction at finally figuring out what fulfils me in my life, and going after it. I'm not going to let myself take any of that away.

Needless worry and stress are self destructive and self defeating. It's horribly easy to do both to the exclusion of everything else. I am possibly world champion at it. I've been down a very deep and dark hole, with very slippery sides. I've climbed out and fallen back in many times in the course of my life. But my life has motored on, even when I was at the very bottom of the hole. And every day of my life brings me one day closer to the end of it. Pretty sure there's no re-do button anywhere. Some lessons I learn very slowly and this is one of those. But I've got it now. Live in the moment. Enjoy the small pleasures, look for the little things that make you smile.

Sure, the past can be painful but it's done - no re-do button - and every experience brings with it a lesson even if it's a painful one. The future is important, plan for it. I've planned every step I need to take to publicise the book once it's published. I've planned a series of four books for my next writing project and I'm pretty excited about the characters already. I have a plan for finding employment on a part time basis. I have a plan for the next stage in my life.

But what I have realised is that if I spend too long thinking about the past, planning for the future and stressing about events either past, present or possibly future, I fail to experience the now. I don't see experience the rain, I see only the inconvenience. I don't experience walking the dog, I see only the annoyance of having to take her every single day so she doesn't go nuts. I don't notice the birds, or the flowers, or the crisp smell of the rain washed air, or how the breeze ruffles the water and makes lovely patterns on the surface. I am not living now, I am hurrying towards the future with blinkers on. I am not, in fact living at all.

Well that sounds a bit preachy, and I didn't set out to write any of it! But there you have it, I don't know what I'm thinking until I start to write and then my fingers take over. I hope this didn't bore you all too much. I did plan to attach the third chapter of the book here, before it is published. I hope you read and enjoy it, and of course go buy the book when it is ready :)

Chapter 3

Alicia felt almost dizzy with relief. She had been so worried that no-one would believe her that to know this man accepted what she had to say and was going to stand by her was almost overwhelming. She may be an uptight person but she did have good taste in men she thought a little crazily. “I was so worried before, and now I don’t feel nearly as bad. Thank you Andrew,” she said, smiling at him before checking her watch. Seeing that there was still half an hour before they had to leave, and feeling hungry still, she got up to put on some more bread to toast, and turned to the fridge looking for jam. She had a longing for strawberry jam. Locating it in the door of the fridge she turned back with it in her hand to wait for the toast to pop and surprised Andrew staring at her with a peculiar expression on his face.

“Oh dear, don’t I eat strawberry jam? I’m not allergic am I?”

“No, not that I know of. It’s just that you don’t usually eat it. You generally stick to low fat and low sugar foods.”

“Oh.” Alicia stared at the toast she was about to spread liberally with butter and jam. Her whole being longed for the treat. “Oh well, it won’t hurt just this once. I think I need the sugar. I feel like I’ve been in shock all morning.”

Andrew looked sombre. “I can’t imagine what it’s like for you. I look at you and I see you. But it’s a different aspect of you. The you that was here yesterday would be unable to eat until she had cleaned up the kitchen. She would also be wearing full make-up because you never go without it, even on weekends.”

Alicia was astonished, “I don’t? My skin should look terrible then. Do I have regular facials or something?”

Andrew shrugged, “I suppose so, you don’t really tell me about day to day things.”

Automatically sitting at the table Alicia tucked into her toast with gusto. Leaning back in his chair Andrew watched her visible enjoyment of her food with pleasure.

“What do we talk about? Do we get on well together?” Alicia wasn’t sure whether she should ask such personal questions so soon – but then it wasn’t soon for Andrew she thought. For him it had been at least 13 years, probably longer.

“We talk about work, the kids, what we want to do on the weekends, where we should go for holidays – stuff like that.”

Looking at her slightly crestfallen face he continued, “We’ve been married for 15 years, we know each other very well. There are no more surprises.” He stopped himself and then continued a bit wryly. “At least, I thought there were no more surprises. I guess I was wrong.”

Her mouth full of toast, Alicia nodded vigorous agreement. She gazed at him for a while, carefully formulating her next words. “For you, it’s been 15 years. For me, it’s been this morning. I feel like a brand new person, with no memory of anything at all. I’m going to have to ask you a lot of questions, because I have nothing but blanks in my mind.”

Andrew nodded, his face worried. “The most important thing you need to know is that I love you. We have the odd argument, but I cannot imagine my life without you, and I always thought you felt the same way. Yet you have woken up this morning and I am wiped out of your mind as cleanly as deleting a folder on a computer. Perhaps you don’t feel the same way I do.” He stared at her, his chocolate eyes dark with emotion. “If it is anything that I have done that has caused this, I promise it will never happen again.”

Alicia stared back at him, the last piece of toast forgotten on her plate. That her memory loss had somehow been caused by Andrew had not occurred to her. She considered the notion carefully. With her limited knowledge she couldn’t be sure – yet her instinct on looking at him was that he was not a part of it. She trusted him, she realized. A trust that went so deep that even memory loss could not erase it had to be coupled with powerful emotion. Without thinking she reached her hand across the table and grasped his.

Staring earnestly into his sad eyes she said, “I don’t know what caused this, or how long it will last. I do know that I trust you with my life, and if I trust you even though I don’t remember you then I must love you every bit as much as you love me. I can’t bury a love that strong for ever. I will remember you, and our children, and our life. The doctor will be able to help, I’m sure.” She paused before wondering out loud, “Do I know my doctor well? Will he, or she, know the old me well enough to see the differences in the current me?”

Andrew snorted with laughter, even as his eyes sheened over with unshed tears. “You’ve know your doctor almost as long as you’ve known me. Believe me, Dr Tennant will know something has happened straight away. I don’t think he’s ever seen you without your face on, and he delivered our babies!”

Alicia dropped her eyes to her plate and picked up the final piece of toast, more for something to do than because she wanted it. She thought hard as she tore bits off the toast, choosing her words carefully. Looking up again she asked, “Am I an obsessive compulsive?”

Andrew looked stunned, but then said, “I can see why you would ask that question. It must seem that way without a reference point. No, I don’t think you are obsessive. You just like things organized and tidy.” He paused, then went on, “Although we have three children and we entertain regularly, you are not comfortable around people you don’t know, and you seem to gain confidence by wearing makeup. Now I think it is just a habit for you.”

Alicia absorbed that. She could imagine herself feeling uncomfortable with strangers – but maybe that was because now she was surrounded by strangers, with no hope of finding anyone familiar. Glancing at her watch, she saw that it was time to go see the doctor. She took her plate to the sink and rinsed it off. Looking at the mess on the table she felt an urge to tidy it off which was quickly buried when she thought of trying to figure out where everything went.

Andrew, seeing her sudden confusion, came to her aid. Taking the plate from her he put it down in the sink. Ignoring the table he said, “Come on, let’s go. I’ll get your bag.”

Alicia stared after him as he disappeared out of the kitchen. She supposed she had a bag full of day to day indicators of who she was. No, she thought. It would carry only the essentials. There would be no discarded tissues, old dockets or forgotten lipsticks in her bag.

She waited irresolutely in the middle of the kitchen. Logic told her that they would go out through the front door as that was the way Andrew had come in - but what if they were taking another car to the doctor? Then they would presumably go through the garage. Only thing was, she wasn’t sure where that was. There was an archway through to another room, and peeking through that she saw that it was a formal dining room. At least, she hoped it was formal. That left the door that led to the lobby and the front door, and a closed door in the far corner. Going to that, she opened it and saw that it led to the laundry. It was a reasonable assumption to think that the garage would be beyond the laundry. She looked around the well fitted, and of course immaculate laundry, then jumped guiltily when Andrew touched her arm. Feeling like a guest caught snooping she felt her face heat up. Andrew smiled kindly at her, looking a little puzzled at her guilty expression.

“Sorry, I feel like a visitor overstepping the boundaries.” She felt like crying at the stricken look on his face.

Wrapping his long arms around her he hugged her close, burying his face in her hair. They stayed like that for a long moment, then Andrew pulled back.

“Right, let’s get going. The sooner we see the doctor the sooner we find out what is wrong so you can get better.”

He handed Alicia her bag and she quickly peeked in. As she expected, the essentials with no rubbish or clutter. She did however admire her taste in handbags. Briefly, she wondered if she only had the one – she hadn’t seen any in the bedroom. Slinging the bag over her shoulder Alicia followed Andrew through the kitchen and lobby and out the front door.

Once out she paused to take in her surroundings. The front of the house was surrounded by gardens and a wide lawn that ended at a tall hedge. The car was parked on the driveway at the side, and she followed Andrew along the path to it. There was no-one in sight, for which she was thankful. She quickly got into the car, somehow feeling safer once inside.

The drive to the doctor was taken mostly in silence. Alicia was fully occupied in staring around her, trying to see something familiar. With a sinking feeling that she was rapidly getting used to, she gave up the attempt and just stared at the surroundings as they drove. She guessed they lived somewhere tropical, and felt certain that it was in Queensland. She wondered why she was certain of the state, but not the town she lived in.

Glancing at Andrew, she voiced the question that she had hoped would have been answered for her by looking around as they drove. “Andrew, where do we live?”

Andrew veered sharply before just as quickly correcting the vehicle. Glancing at her in astonishment, he visibly composed himself before answering in a hoarse voice.      “Mackay, for our entire married life. We have lived in our current house for the past four years. Neither of us are local though. I come from Brisbane and you come from the Sunshine Coast.”

“Oh.” Alicia thought for a moment. “Where did we meet?”

Spying a parking spot Andrew focused on parking the car before turning towards her and answering, “The Eiffel Tower, of all places. Honey, I will answer all of your questions, but right now I think the shock is setting in for me. Could we just go in and see the doctor, and I’ll tell you more after we get home again? I think I’ve only just fully realized what it is like for you and I have to try to come to terms with that myself. How you are so calm I don’t know because I feel like punching a hole in something.”

Alicia gave him a small smile. “I’m not calm, I’m numb.” With that she got out of the car and waited for her stranger husband to escort her to the doctor.

      Two hours later they were back in the car, somewhat shell-shocked. The doctor had reacted in amazement, he had never had a case of amnesia before. He had been unable to offer a quick cure, or a reason. Instead he had ordered a barrage of tests and booked Alicia into the hospital in order to undergo them. She might be in for several days. The doctor seemed hopeful that a reason for her amnesia could be found, but refused to even speculate on what that might be.

For the first time since she woke that morning Alicia was fearful for her health. A terrifying list of possible reasons were now presenting themselves to her, top of the list being brain tumour. She reached for the seatbelt to strap herself in, and realized that she was shaking so much that she was unable to buckle the belt.

Andrew leaned over to do it for her, then took her by the shoulders and gazed urgently into her eyes. “The doctor didn’t say anything, it probably isn’t anything medical. If it were you would have had other symptoms and you haven’t. These tests are just to rule out the possibilities so we can find the real cause. OK?”

Alicia stared back into his beautiful bitter chocolate eyes and nodded her agreement. Satisfied, Andrew straightened up and started the car. Alicia stared resolutely out the window. She would have been a lot more reassured if she hadn’t seen the flicker of fear in the depths of his eyes. She may not remember him, but it seemed that her subconscious could still read him as well as one would expect after 15 years of marriage.

Later on, sitting in the chair beside her hospital bed and staring out at the view across the river, Alicia was occupied in sorting through the things she knew about herself and her life. Andrew had only told her a little, as the doctor felt that too much information would be overwhelming. She knew her name – Alicia Russell. She met Andrew on top of the Eiffel Tower, when they were both on overseas holidays. He said that he saw her and deliberately bumped into her to start a conversation. They got to know each other in Paris and then when they found out they were both living in Mackay, they arranged to meet up when they returned. Andrew was the one who followed up on the arrangement and contacted her. He said he was surprised when she agreed to see him, and after just a year of dating they married.

He had described the wedding a little when she asked. She had insisted on an informal ceremony.  Both sets of parents had come, but no other relatives. This was also at her insistence, although he personally didn’t mind one bit. She supposed that meant that the parents’ had. They had married in a park, and had a reception at a local restaurant. There had been only themselves, their parents and their closest friends at the wedding. She wondered at that, but remembered that Andrew had said that she felt uncomfortable around too many people.

The children had come along in due course, each child planned and anticipated with delight except for Michael who was a happy accident. Her parents and his saw them often, but he did not mention any other family of hers. Maybe she didn’t have anyone apart from her parents. She shrugged as she thought about that. Right now she didn’t really care about the possibility of an extended family, not when she couldn’t remember her immediate one.

She continued her musing. She was an accountant – not surprising. Andrew was one also which she did find surprising. He had laughed when she said that to him, and said she was surprised the first time too. They owned an accountancy firm which was very successful. That was why he could easily take the day off, and as much time as was needed now to get her well, he had said firmly.

The only other information she had was sketchy. Andrew had told her a bit about the children. Josh was quiet and almost as tidy as she was. Sarah was a ray of sunshine, happy, bright, just a bit messy and rather loud. Michael was a bundle of energy, loud, talkative and extremely messy. Sarah and Michael were each an open book, but Josh was more introspective. Like you, Andrew had said.

She had asked him how he thought the children would react to what had happened to her, and he confessed that he didn’t know. They had decided to keep the children away until the tests had been completed. That would be the next day, so he was going to bring them to see her tomorrow afternoon. By then the doctors would have a better idea of what was going on.

Now, sitting in the chair, Alicia wondered if that had been the right decision. Maybe she should have seen the children today, perhaps it would have been less stressful for them. But perhaps Andrew was hoping that following a nights sleep she would wake up with her memory fully returned and there would be no need for an anxious meeting with them. Probably he did, because that was what she was hoping.

      During the whole surreal day, hope had been popping into her consciousness, wrapping tendrils around her mind so that it was always there in the background. The hope that when she went to sleep tonight the switch that had flipped to the ‘off’ position last night would in the same mysterious way flip back to ‘on’ and she would wake up with her memory fully restored.

For the rest of that strange afternoon, a patient in hospital yet not sick or injured, that hope continued to grow. She took a phone call from Andrew, who assured her that all was well with the children (he had downplayed the problem) and they were looking forward to seeing her the next day. She had undergone all the tests arranged by her doctor. She was a little scared by how rapidly the move had been to get all the tests done and was trying not to think about that.

Now she was waiting until she felt tired enough to go to sleep. She had tried watching television, curious to patch another piece onto the image she was developing of herself. It had not been a success, as she was unable to concentrate on anything on the screen. She tried reading, but could not concentrate on the printed word either. Instead she was back in the chair by the window, staring out at the night.

Although the events of the day had left her feeling drained and exhausted, those same events were playing around and around in her head which made it impossible for her to sleep. Try as she did, Alicia could not think of a non-medical reason for such sudden memory loss, and as the hour grew progressively later she worried more and more about what could be wrong with her. All kinds of terrifying possibilities haunted her until she had worked herself into a state of near hysteria.

The night shift nurse found her curled up tightly in the chair sobbing her heart out. Having seen more than her share of distraught individuals in her time, the nurse went smoothly into action. She gave Alicia a firm and reassuring hug, spoke to her in a sing-song soothing tone and placed her into bed.

Disappearing into the little bathroom she reappeared with a damp face cloth and gently wiped the tears from her face. Then she encouraged Alicia to take a few sips of water, knowing that such simple actions restored a feeling of normality to the patient. Alicia did as she was told without resistance.

When the nurse told her to lie down, close her eyes and try to sleep, with the promise that she would be back in ten minutes to check on her, Alicia did just that. And just as the knowledge that a grownup would be back to check on the child engenders a feeling of security so that they sleep, so too did it work for Alicia. When the nurse came back in ten minutes, as promised, Alicia was sound asleep. Satisfied that natural sleep was the best thing for her the nurse went on with her rounds. She came back regularly to check, but each time found Alicia deeply asleep.

It was the unfamiliar sound of a breakfast tray rattling along the corridor that woke Alicia from the heaviest sleep she could remember experiencing. For a moment she was disoriented, peering around the room in bewilderment. Then memory came rushing back. That’s right, she was in hospital. Today she would get the test results. Today she would see Andrew and the children. And in a weeks’ time… something was happening.

Frustrated, Alicia tried to grab onto the sliver of memory that pulled back into the dark recesses of her brain even as she tried to grab it. For just a second there she had felt like her old self. She had known her husband and children, really known them. She had felt something else too – was it foreboding, or fear, and something was happening in a week. She had felt tangible things from the person that she used to be but now they had gone again and here she was, this empty shell.

“Aaagh!” Picking up the nearest object, the tissue box, she threw it with all her strength at the wall opposite the bed. Small and light as it was it fell short and did nothing to alleviate the frustrated anger raging through her. She looked at the bedside table and seeing a book she had taken from the hospital library she flung it at the wall. It hit with a satisfying clunk, and fell to the floor in a mess of pages.

It wasn’t enough though. She could feel rage and frustration and fear boiling up inside her and she had to get it all out. Her eyes settled on the water glass the nurse had left the night before. There was still a bit of water left in it. She stared at it for several long seconds. A small rational part of her was telling her not to do it, to have consideration for the staff who would have to clean it up. Another part of her, another small part, was urging her to do it. Why should she always be the one to have consideration for others? Who was thinking of her when…

Abruptly a door slammed closed in her head. It was such a strong sensation that she could almost feel it. She touched trembling fingers to her forehead. Something had almost happened, something that felt momentous. Or it would have been momentous, if her brain had not cut off the thought before she could form it. The frustration and rage drained away, leaving only icy cold fear. What was happening to her? It was as though there was something inside her head operating independently from her conscious mind. Was it her subconscious?

Along with other bits of impersonal trivia that she had not forgotten was the little bit she had read about the subconscious, enough to know that it was capable of keeping information away from the conscious mind in order to protect the psyche of that person. Was that what was happening to her? But surely there was nothing so terrible in her life that she had to lose her memory in order to protect herself from it. Was there?

Picking up the water glass, Alicia took a sip, the urge to throw things gone. She felt quite calm now, and certain that the tests that had been done yesterday would show nothing. She knew with absolute clarity that there was nothing physically wrong with her. No, it was something else, but how was she to find out what when she couldn’t remember anything?

At that point the breakfast tray rumbled into the room. Alicia gratefully accepted a cup of tea, and added plenty of milk so that she could drink it quickly. She requested another one before the attendant had finished putting out her breakfast tray, and, after adding considerably less milk, drank the piping hot beverage more slowly. Gradually the icy cold fear seeped out of her body and the tea restored her equilibrium as it almost always did.

It was odd, she thought as she had been thinking ever since this had happened, how some things remained even when memory left. Some things she remembered, mostly general knowledge. That made sense as it was not directly linked to her or her life. It made more sense therefore, that she would not know how she liked her tea, since that was such a personal thing. Yet she did not even have to think about it. Maybe that was the key. Maybe it was the things that had become automatic that remained. Like muscle memory, there was no conscious effort required to recall them.

But then, she should have known what she looked like and she hadn’t – yet she had known how old she was. Weird. She spent the rest of the morning before Andrew and the doctor came writing a list of the things that she knew and the things she didn’t. She was certainly an accountant, she accepted wryly as she looked at the resultant ‘yes’ and ‘no’ columns. She had started on sub-headings – things she should have known based on the automatic theory yet didn’t, when her first visitor of the day arrived. Andrew.